Spencer made a circle around his face before pointing to the hatch.My brother? he mimed silently.
Tabitha nodded.
So, Buck had just heard a few home-truths and was waiting for more.
Was Spencer still going to spill his guts?Hell, yes. Maybe it was time for one of his siblings to understand exactly how he’d felt.
Spencer drew in a fortifying breath. “When I got out of high school, I followed several of my brothers’ examples, and joined the military,” he revealed. “But it never felt like a fit to me, soI did my time and got out, heading back to school even without the GI bill I would have received if I’d reupped.” That had been fine with him. He’d socked away his pay while being enlisted, so he’d been able to fund his higher education.
“Like my brothers’ Mason and Kyle, I got my degree in Criminal Justice. Then I started working for the Bangor Police Department. Kyle was there already, and Mason worked for the Orono PD.
“At first, it being a new situation, I found things to do that made me feel like I was finally forging my own path, but the novelty wore off pretty quickly. I lived with Kyle, we went out with Mason a lot, and we had the same friends. I became their…wingman, or an appendage of sorts for lack of a better term. Everywhere I went—being third youngest—I was compared toallmy brothers. I was regaled with how well they were doing. I was given the side-eye for any family drama that arose. I was constantly painted with the exact same brush as them, even as I backed off from public visibility.
“At my childhood home…” Spencer paused here, wanting Tabitha to understand. “Listen. I love my parents and I don’t blame them one bit for me feeling overlooked. Having been tasked with raising eight hellions, God knows their energy wasn’t limitless. As I aged, I grew quiet, and kind of slipped through the cracks. I became what I recall as…unseen, Even as a ‘settled’ adult, years later, I didn’t have much that set me apart from the bunch.”
Spencer took a deep breath, wondering how Buck was taking this.
He could tell by the look on Tabitha’s face that she was in full understanding.
“To branch out a little, I took specialty courses, like the one I enrolled in to become a hostage negotiator. I joined the SWAT team that Mason started. I even took up cooking; a skill noneof my brothers enjoy. But I still felt…untapped. Like there was something in me I wasn’t recognizing. I knew if I didn’t get away from Bangor, away from my family, I might never find out what that was.”
“So you literally ran away to sea,” Tabitha supplied gently.
“That’s right. But I’m not a complete asshole. I told my parents that I was leaving, although they didn’t know what I would be doing, and I swore them to secrecy. I also filled my Chief in, who gave me an indefinite leave of absence should I ever want to return. I just…didn’t let my brothers in on anything. I, uh, kind of disappeared one day, and that was that.”
Buck was suddenly standing in the doorway, a look on his face Spencer couldn’t interpret.
Before Spencer could say a word, his brother was speaking.
“Me, too,” he whispered into the silence. “I mean…I felt the same way,” Buck choked out. “Ifeelthe same way.” He gave a self-deprecating laugh. “How did I not figure out that you were having the same shitty doubts? We’re the youngest, you, me, and Seifer. We kind ofdidget lost after all the hoopla with our larger-than-life, older brothers.”
Spencer was dumbfounded. He’d never thought beyond his own uncertainties and dissatisfaction. Maybe he should have added “self-absorbed” to his list of sins.
“You mean…you, and Seifer? You both…” Spencer struggled with a strange sensation in his chest.
“Yeah,” Buck confirmed. “But I took the easy road and joined up with the Coast Guard, thinking at least I wasn’t going into the same branches of service as the rest of you. And Seifer… Well, I had conversations with him before I left for Boot. Even with him being only ten at the time. When I found out that his dream was skiing, but he was already thinking it would be wrong not to follow in the family footsteps by donning a uniform, I basically told him to cut the shit. That if he wanted to ski, that he shouldgo for it; that he shouldn’t pay any attention to the crap he'd get from our brothers.”
Spencer hadn’t been around to see any of that, having his head up his ass where his own career was concerned, but Seifer had, indeed, gone on to ski for his college team, and was even now getting ready to compete in the Olympics.
Spencer felt…guilty.
“You…” Spencer swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. “You were a better man than me, advising him. All I could think about was myself.”
“And I couldn’t see how miserableyouwere, so that’s on me,” Buck rebutted. “I didn’t notice your troubles, since I was having the same self-critical doubts.” Buck scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “I don’t know how you’re feeling now that you’ve been with the Merchant Marine, but me? I’ve figured a few things out. Even though I haven’t found my true calling here with the Coast Guard, I’ve relished my time at sea. It’s made me realize that I eventually hope to find something along the same lines; being on or around the water, helping people in distress, being challenged with the unknown.” Buck looked at him with the kind of hope in his eyes that still burned within Spencer.
Sometime during their conversation, Tabitha had snuck out.
Spencer had noticed, but he’d been too astounded by what Buck was saying to stop her. He’d catch up with her later. They had more conversation to be had,andsome eventual burning-up of sheets. But right now?—
A thought hit him from out of the blue, nearly blindsiding him. It was such a strong concept—a bold idea—he almost couldn’t contain himself.
Maybe…
“Do you have any idea what your dream job might be?” Spencer asked excitedly, a spark growing within him. “Because if you’re game to talk about it, I think I do”
CHAPTER 12
Spencer didn’t knowwhere his idea had come from…
