“Today was my nightmare.” My hands are shaking as I get to my feet. “Didn’t you see the way people looked at us? At me? It was just like being back in high school. I wanted to disappear.” It was a feeling I’d thought I’d never experience again. I never wanted tofeel this horrible in my skin again. I heard whispers all the way to my car, even in the parking lot where people had noticed the scene or had received a text about it. I’d never missed the invisibility of the city so much. I’d started to forget how it used to feel, but the stark reminder was just what I needed to wake up from my stupor. “This summer wasn’t reality. This is.”
“What does that even mean?” he asks, eyes pleading.
“I left in the first place because I couldn’t stand beingthat McIntyre girlanymore. I changed my name. Tried to escape it. But today?” I point outside, the first tear slipping. “Today proved I’m always going to be that girl.”
“You don’t have to be.”
My voice is barely more than a whisper. “They don’t give me the option not to.”
“And what about howIfeel about you? How you made me fall—”
“Don’t,” I stop him with a hand up. Twin tears form tracks down my cheeks. “Please, don’t make this any harder.”
He wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?”
It physically hurts to see him like this, like tiny cuts all over my skin. He should never look this sad, and certainly not because of me. “If I stay, I’ll suffocate again.”
He was wearing protection before. A helmet, a shield, a bulletproof vest. My words take them all off, and he deflates, as if I’ve finally hit him. As if he’s realized the same thing I did a few hoursago: this is bigger than the two of us. There’s no escape, no matter what we do.
His head hangs between his shoulders as he leans against the small desk next to me. “I thought I’d be enough to make you stay. Thoughtwe’d be.”
Breathe.
I make him turn so he’s facing me, then take his face between my hands. His whiskey eyes are drowning.
I breathe deeply to control myself before I say, “If anyone could have, it would have been you two.”
His forehead drops to mine, and the sigh he lets out feels like the weight of the world has landed upon his shoulders. Mine does, too. Even if I know I need to leave this place, I also know I’ll be miserable without this. Without him. He’s more than a friend. More than a crush. More than a lover. He’s everything.
And so I bring my lips to his; not because I think it will change anything, but because if I only have a few days left, I want to absorb every second of them. I’ll store all those memories, but this time, I won’t lock them away. I’ll keep them close, reexamining them under bright light whenever I miss him and remember all the little details that made me fall for this man.
I worry he’ll move away, that he’ll want to protect himself, but he doesn’t. He kisses me back with a heightened fervor, like he, too, wants this storage of memories.
We fall backward onto the bed, but neither reaches for the other’s clothes. Instead, we kiss for a long while, each stroke languid, each touch meaningful. We’re taking our time, kissing not like wehave all the time in the world, but like we don’t and never want this moment to end. Our bodies are tangled, his hands at the base of my head, mine on his back, and I focus to commit it all to memory. Our kiss turns salty, a declaration of love and sadness at once.
When he pulls away, I almost cave at the defeat written across his face. “I can’t leave.” His throat works. “Zoe… Her whole world is here.”
“I know.” I hold his jaw between my hands, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs. I’d never have asked him to follow me, either.Hiswhole world is here, and it’s time he thinks of himself for once.
His mouth twists to the side as he stares down at me. I blink fast, then drag his mouth back to mine. We kiss some more, and eventually fall asleep in the guest bed, still clothed, our limbs intertwined, not an inch of space between us. But no matter how tight we hold on, we both know we’ll have to let go soon.
Chapter 37
The bell above the door of Eileen’s Flower Delights rings as I enter the shop.
I’ve been wondering what to give Zoe before I leave, both as a reminder of me once I’m gone, and a thank you for the wonderful summer she gave me. It gave me hope that one day, maybe, I’ll find something like it again. I’m also waiting for her choir recital before leaving, so I can’t show up empty-handed.
As I take in the flower arrangements available for purchase, I can’t help but smirk. Gertrude was right. Theseareweird. When Mom corroborated by telling me Eileen wasn’t the best florist but everyone in town still buys from her because she’s the only one around, I didn’t quite believe her, but she wasn’t lying. Bright orange Birds of Paradise mixed with delicate peonies and overpowering greeneries. Round, untrimmed shrubs planted in the middle of rose arrangements. Nothing makes sense. And yet, there are indeed customers around. I guess people around here are used to appreciating the thought rather than the bouquet itself. And isn’t the intention more important than the final result?
“Cassie!” Eileen says as she walks in from the back of the store, holding a bouquet of flashy purple roses with plastic butterfliesstrewn across the stems with wool string. The flowers are bent at odd angles, one going as far as pointing downward. “What do you think of this? I’ve been toying with this idea for a while.”
“The…” I’m not sure where to start since all of it looks experimental. “Butterflies?”
“No, of course not! I mean the flowers shaping a letter.”
“Oh.” I use all my strength to keep a straight face, not even trying to decipher which letter it is supposed to depict. “Beautiful.”
“I think so, too!” she exclaims, and I understand now why people keep coming in. The pure joy she gets out of it is worth all the ugly gifts. She drops the heavy arrangement on the counter, then wipes her hands across her muddy apron. “What can I do for you, sweetheart?”
