“Or more like you’ve always seen things that weren’t there.”
He chuckles. “Sure, sweetheart.”
There he goes with that name again.
And fuck me if it doesn’t mess with my head even more than he already has.
On the drive back home, Zoe falls asleep the minute she’s buckled into her car seat, so by the time we reach Ruth’s house, Eli pulls up in the driveway and walks me to the door. Twilight has come and gone, only faint hues of red and dark blue coloring the sky. Otherwise, hundreds of stars blink down at us, the sky such a contrast to the one in the city only three hours away. It’s sometimes hard to remember I’m not moving back to a different planet at the end of the week.
“Thank you for pushing me to come,” I say, my back to the door. “I had a great time.”
“Good.” He puts his hands in his pockets but doesn’t move. Even though Zoe was with us the entire time, it almost feels like we’re coming back from a date, and I have no idea what to do with myself. There’s a deep want for him that’s lived inside my chest my entire life and that will likely never go away. It might have been lessened by our years apart, but now I feel it, whooshing inside me like a lighthouse that’s been powered back on.
Eli’s tongue darts to wet his bottom lip, and it takes all my willpower not to follow the movement with my eyes. God, this is bad. I’m not seventeen anymore. I know what happens once I leave. Keira’s words come back to me, about how Eli was when he learned I was gone for good. Whether they’re true or not, I would never want to be responsible for that kind of hurt again. This man deserves the world.
And yet, watching him watch me, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to throw caution to the wind as much as I do now. Iwanthim to touch me. With Michael, and with my ex before him, there wasan expectation to being touched. It would lead to a relationship, to the development of something serious between us, which was what I ultimately wanted. I wanted the after more than I wanted the now. It’s the opposite here. I trace the hard line of his jaw with my gaze, imagine how he would press his lips to mine if he took that last step between us and finally allowed me to see if his lips still feel the way I remember.
He sees it, too. I don’t know whether he wants it like I do, but the widening of his pupils as he takes me in once more is unmistakable. Still, he remains one step away.
I guess I should be grateful my craving is unilateral.
I cross my arms in front of my chest, then say, “Why didn’t you say yes to Zach tonight?”
He’s taken aback by my question. “What?”
“You should’ve. You used to love playing.” He was part of a league in high school. He mostly practiced during the school year, but I did get to go see him play a few times. Even though I never knew where the ball was or what he was supposed to be doing, I loved cheering when everyone else was.
“That part of my life’s over.” As if by reflex, he looks over to where Zoe is still sound asleep in the backseat of his SUV. He even adds a small laugh, like the simple thought of him doing something for his own pleasure is ridiculous.
It’s in this moment I realize, in the entire month I’ve been here, I haven’t seen Eli do something for himself. Not once. Sure, I don’t know what he does when I leave the house, but with the time he gets home from work and the hour he has to leave, I doubt it’smuch more than sleep. He spends all his waking hours taking care of his employees, of his clients, of Zoe, ofme. When does he take care of himself?
“You’re not a hundred, you know,” I say.
“I feel like it, sometimes.” He grins, but I don’t return it.
It feels wrong. This good man, splitting himself in a thousand ways and being the best father I’ve ever seen, all the while forgetting he’s only twenty-nine.
“Goodnight, Cass,” he says, and with one last look, he’s headed back to his car.
Meanwhile, all I can do is stare at his strong back and think, if I have one last goal before I leave, let it be this: get Eli Grant to have fun, for once.
Chapter 22
Eleven Years Ago
It finally happened.
After years of dreaming about what her mouth would taste like and what sounds she would make when she gave up control, the boy kissed the girl.
It didn’t happen the way he expected it to. In fact, he didn’t know he was going to do it until his lips were pressed to hers. But when he turned to see her lying on her side next to him, the sun setting behind her silhouette, she looked like a goddess, like a supernova the second before it disappears, and it was no longer a want. Hehadto have her like this.
Thankfully, she seemed as eager for him as he was for her, whimpering the second he put his hands around her jaw as if she, too, couldn’t wait a second longer.
It was a good day. The best day, really. He still can’t believe it happened.She wants him.
Yet the harder he tries to be happy about it, the more heartbroken he becomes, because he doesn’t see a world where this is forever. A person cannot be hopelessly in love with another and wish for them to remain near the people who make theirlife a living hell. It doesn’t make sense.
And the girl knows it, too.
