She nods. “All right. All right, Cassie.” She taps the table. “Now, please, sit.”
It takes all the strength in me to do so.
Chapter 9
Iwas twenty-four the first time I hosted a dinner.
We never had anyone over when I was young. Eli was the only friend who’d come inside my house, and even that had been on rare occasions. Mom never had anyone over. Our dinners were always just the three or four of us, depending on where my father was at the time, until Keira got old enough to start going out.
I’d been working at Brooklyn Hospital Center for two years by then—I’d done a few rotations there as a student, too—and after being invited over by a few colleagues, it felt like it was my time to step up. I’d rarely been this nervous before. I’d had my clean slate, made good acquaintances, and yet I still spent my time feeling like an imposter. Who didn’t know how to host a dinner party at twenty-four? I ended up spending way too much of my paycheck on those fancy cheeses and cold cuts, and I was so focused on not embarrassing myself, I forgot to actually enjoy it.
I’m feeling the same kind of jittery now as the doorbell rings. I wouldn’t be caught dead saying how long it took me to set the table. The eyeliner I put on was supposed to make me look casually made-up but probably ended up making me lookmade-upmade-up.
Keira doesn’t wait for me to answer the door before she walks in, a smaller version of her holding her hand. While I’d seen him in pictures, this is the first time I get to see Xavier face to face. He’s got Keira’s sage-green eyes and her pointy chin, which means if I’d had a son, he could’ve looked like this, too.
I swallow, then kneel in front of him.
“Hi. You must be Xavier.” I try to take in all the ways he resembles Rob, Keira’s partner, instead of us. Small ears. Lanky limbs. Fluffy brows.You can do this.“I’m your auntie Cassie.”
He doesn’t react, not even with a hint of recognition. Keira probably never mentioned me. I picture my Christmas gifts, pushed down the trash before Xavier could notice them.
Eli and Zoe show up at that moment, and I’m grateful for the interruption. I thought it was important for Eli to be there tonight since he was such a big part of Ruth’s life, especially at the end, so last night, I went by his place to invite him. His jaw was tight when he opened the door, like he was wondering whether I’d bring up the stinted way our night ended when I babysat Zoe. Lucky for him, I’m a professional at pretending. It runs in the family.
When he steps inside, his eyes remain on me just shy of too long. I really shouldn’t have put on that eyeliner.
Keira brushes past me and disappears into the kitchen before I’ve had a chance to say anything to her, and Eli quickly rushes inside, too, when Zoe decides she wants to play hide-and-seek with Xavier—which is a horrible idea in a house filled with so many non-kid-friendly trinkets. Yesterday morning, while packing boxes, I found what looked like a sword from the Middle Ages inthe guest bedroom’s closet, and I would’ve bet a lot of money it wasn’t fake.
I’m rubbing my sweaty palms across my dress when Mom shows up, completing our mismatched group. She’s wearing her woodpecker brooch today.
“Come on, I’ll help you settle in,” I say as I grab her arm.
“I’m fine, Cassie,” she says, but still holds onto me all the way to the table.
“Do you want us to serve something for the kids first?” I ask Keira and Eli, the latter fighting for his life with two kids running around like it’s the last day of school.
“Xavier already ate,” Keira says bluntly.
Eli has the decency to wince when he says, “I made Zoe eat before, too.”
“Oh.” I imagine the plate of sandwiches I made with animal-shaped cookie cutters I got at the store this morning, untouched in the refrigerator. “Yeah, of course.”
Eli turns on a Pixar movie in the living room for the kids, who immediately melt into the couch and turn silent.
“So, let’s get this started, hm?” Keira says. She goes to open the fridge, but I rush to stop her. No way am I letting her see those sandwiches. I don’t need her to think of me as even more desperate than she already does.
“Sure, yeah.” I’d also prepared a veggie tray with multiple dips and bread I got at the good bakery one town over, but now my skin is itchy, and I agree with Keira that this can’t be over soon enough. Actually, this entire thing was probably a mistake.
Remember who you’re doing this for.Ruth would’ve held the party of a century for me. I can do one dinner.
Eli helps me get the chicken cacciatore Mom and I prepared yesterday out of the oven, along with the green beans and potatoes. The entire table remains silent as I serve.
“This smells good,” Eli says with a small smile in my direction.
“Thanks. Well, thanks to Mom.”
Keira hums, then takes a bite.
I sit, then crack a knuckle under the table. “Thanks for being here. I, uh, I think I’d like to start by having each of us say one thing we’d like to remember about Ruth, or what we’d like to thank her for, or anything, really.” I’d prepared a longer speech, about what this house meant to me, whatRuthmeant to me, but I can only get those words out. I feel like a kettle about to squeal.
