Without a word, I locked the door behind me and hurried to her room. My sweet pea lay on her back, arms and legs stretched out in her purple butterfly pajamas, brown hair in a fluff around her peaceful face. My hand shook when I reached out to smooth a silky lock of it from her forehead.
Was it the same color as mine? Did her nose match my nose’s shape? We both had funny little toes, but maybe that was a common thing with babies. I couldn’t remember what Paige’s toes looked like. I fought the urge to pick Evie up and never let her go. Instead, I kissed the top of her head and tiptoed out of the room.
Sam watched me pour a cup of coffee from the still warm pot. “Do you want fresh? I could make another pot.” I shook my head, and he offered a smile. “How did it go?”
“Thank your friend for recommending Giovanni. He’s great. He came up with a really good plan to navigate all this… shit.” I took my mug to the couch and slumped back on the cushions.
Sam followed and turned toward me, one leg bent the same way as on the day I ended up in his arms. “If I can do anything to help, Gil, please tell me. I’m still on winter break for another week, so I can watch Evie or just…” He shrugged and offered that sweet smile I’d grown used to. “Anything really.”
With all the scary, angry things in my mind, it shocked me that I still had room for the heat that sparked to life at those words. The image of Sam in those tight, sheer briefs that night in the cabin kitchen popped into my mind. My fingers tingled asI remembered how his skin felt under them when I helped him down from the counter.
“Now that the wedding is over, I have a pretty empty schedule for a while, too. I will need someone to watch Evie when I meet with Giovanni again.” Dare I take a chance at happiness? Life was too short and uncertain. “I’d love to hang out with you, too. I mean if you’d like to outside the childcare agreement.” My jaw clenched. It felt weird asking, but I didn’t have many friends to fall back on, and I enjoyed Sam’s company. As I waited the second for his response, my muddled mind filled with wishes beyond simple good company.
He smiled that sweet, open smile that lifted my spirits every time. “I’d like that.”
***
The meeting with a couple interested in a May wedding ran almost half an hour over my scheduled time. I didn’t have any other clients on the books, though, and I wasn’t about to hold them to such strict timelines. The bride-to-be gushed over my portfolio, and her fiancé seemed willing to go along with whatever she wanted, so I let myself have a bit of hope.
I needed some hope. Two meetings with Giovanni to finalize paperwork for the eventual custody hearings gave me some peace of mind. His reminders to schedule the paternity test as soon as possible destroyed most of it again. Whatever the test revealed would affect the rest of my life. I didn’t care about genetics. I cared about keeping Evie in my life.
Love made a family. Love and care. In my darkest moments alone in my room at night after my daughter went to sleep, I gave in to sheer anger at Paige’s audacity. She left. She disappeared.
That day in the hospital room filled me with a type of joy and protectiveness I thought other parents exaggerated out of somesense of duty. I watched Evie coming into the world and knew I could never, ever stop loving her.
Memories of Paige holding a tiny baby Evie in her arms as she slumped, worn out and sweaty in the hospital bed flowed through my mind. I sat at her side, one hand on Paige’s leg and the other on Evie’s swaddled form. We’d had our problems, sure, but now we had something to fight for. Was I naïve? Did I somehow miss glaring signs that she would disappear completely?
These thoughts turned back to worry. Giovanni had asked if it was possible that Evie wasn’t my biological child, and I had to admit it was. I couldn’t remember names – some of the men she brought in didn’t even give one – and I struggled to remember faces. Did Evie look like any of them more than me? I had no way of knowing if Paige was faithful either.
I sighed and tipped my head back onto the car seat. None of that mattered. None of that even upset me anymore. It had taken a real slap in the face and ten months of time to accept our relationship hadn’t been healthy for quite a while.
The thought that Paige had slept around didn’t hurt me. It only affected the paternity issue. I pulled out my phone and opened the scheduling app for the clinic Giovanni had suggested and signed up for the earliest time slot.
I had to know. My coat wrapped around me, I locked the car behind me, and headed toward the door. Evie and Sam waited inside, and they would help me push some of the darkness away for a little while. Every single thought fled my mind the moment I stepped into my apartment, hung up my coat, and turned around.
Sam stood at the kitchen sink, t-shirt rucked up over his perfect butt and legs bare. He held the leg of his khaki pants under a fast flow of water and rubbed at the fabric in a way that made his round cheeks bounce and jiggle. Black and gray-striped briefs skimmed over his pale skin. The printed waistband kept the small scraps of fabric together in front and back.
My gaze skated over the curve and settled on the bare skin of his cheeks that peeked out from below the tight cloth. I wanted to touch it, squeeze it, bite it. Trace the few scattered freckles with my tongue. Heat cascaded through me, and I must have made some sound, because Sam dropped his pants in the sink and looked over his shoulder.
“Oh my god. You startled me!” Pink flared in his cheeks, blotting out the cute freckles for one moment. He shut off the water and rung the water out of the fabric. “Evie’s down for her nap, and I thought I’d get started on dinner, but I spilled tomato sauce on my pants. I had to rinse it out before the stain set.”
I know I should’ve said something friendly and dismissive. I could’ve offered to put his pants in the laundry and give him some sweats to wear home. My feet carried me across the room before any thoughts coalesced into something reasonable. “Sam.” It was the only thing my brain came up with as I stepped closer and let my gaze sweep over his body before meeting his eyes once more.
Chapter 7
Sam
With one eye on Evie playing with her blocks on the floor of Gil’s apartment, I logged onto my student dashboard. The professor dragged his feet getting the grades up for the last paper, but I finally had something to settle my nerves. An eighty-nine with no points deducted for lateness. Yes! I shimmied in place to the rhythm of the silly cartoon song playing in the living room and caught Evie looking up at me.
“Sweet pea!” I danced across the rug toward her while she bounced and giggled. “A B plus is good enough for me. I’m gonna get my ma-master’s degree.” She didn’t care what I sang about, only that I was silly and fun. We’d already finished a couple ofrounds of early development games and had a snack. It would be naptime next.
I sat cross-legged on the floor, and she crawled over to me right away. “Little Evie, should we read a book before naptime? Are you getting tired sweet girl?” I cuddled her in my arms and smiled down. “I’m going to make some delicious pasta sauce for your daddy to eat when he gets home. You can have some too, of course. I know how you love noodles.”
Evie blinked up at me, her little body relaxing as she listened to my soft voice. “Da.”
“Yes, your daddy will be home very soon. He’s working hard to help people have beautiful weddings.” I babbled on about flowers and fancy suits as she quieted in my arms. It didn’t look like we’d have time for a book. Evie’s eyes slipped closed. I got up without jostling her and headed for the nursery. The tiny second bedroom would work fine until she reached school age and needed more space.
As I lay her down and positioned her stuffed cat nearby, my thoughts turned to darker things. What Gil had told me about Evie’s mother’s leaving and the rekindled contact reminded me of subjects we’d covered in my classes. Lack of parental bonding. Maternal disconnect. These weren’t horrible in and of themselves. Adopted children and those with surrogate mothers grew up quite fine as long as they had a loving, supportive environment.
