Grinding my teeth, I realize something—there is a real possibility that Hex might fall for Mong, especially if the man has shown the kind of interest I never do.
I dig my fingers into the sun-chair’s armrests as a heavy feeling invades my stomach. I don’t like that thought at all. Just acknowledging it puts me on edge and makes me want to punch or shoot or break something. Hex is not mine, but I also dread the idea of him being serious with someone.
Because what if he decided that he doesn’t need me anymore?
What if he sits me down one day, thanks me for my service and sends me packing?
I shudder, vibrating with even more agitation as scenarios play out in my mind. I don’t know how I’d react if he came to me one day with someone by his side. I thought I was okay with it—after all, he’s bound to find his person one day—but I am not so sure anymore. Watching him with Mong… it does weird things to me. Things that I hadn’t considered I might have to deal with simply because Hex has only ever shown an interest in me.
I might need to rethink where I stand. If more of this is what awaits me until Hex finally cuts me loose, I better take a hard long think about what it is thatIreally want.
Do I cling a promise that has long been fulfilled because I’m afraid to confront my own demons, or do I face my fear and guilt so I can grab onto my only chance of real happiness with both hands?
Hex and Mong return twenty minutes later, soaked and dripping. Grabbing the fluffy towel I’ve hung over the empty sun-chair next to mine, I pull the younger man over and dry his blue hair. His silky strands slip between my fingers in wet clumps, and I tousle them a bit until they don’t stick so tightly together.
“You know I can do that myself, right?” Hex complains, pouting those pink lips at me as he hops up and plants his hands on his waist.
His mouth is more enticing than usual, making me swallow hard so I can restrain myself from doing something that will probably make us the center of attention.
“I bet your friend is just worried you might catch a cold and is just looking out for you, Hex,” Mong says, throwing an arm around Hex’s shoulders.
I see red. It’s the first time it happens so profoundly, and I can’t say I like it. I have to squeeze the armrests, so I don’t punch the unsuspecting guy. A nasty scowl will do for now, even if nasty scowls of this type aren’t really my thing. He’s innocent—Hex is my problem alone—but he’s also a threat. He’s a variable that has thrown off my rhythm, a better me who could snatch from under my nose the one person who means the world to me.
I simply can’t allow that.
Naively, I thought I could. That I would be okay, that I could move on. Because it makes sense, because it is how things should be. Because forbidden things should remain out of reach, there only so they can be admired from afar. But the readiness to let go of this ray of scorching sunshine that I believed I possessed has long left me, and I just chose to ignore that truth. I lied to myself, I made up excuses and arguments in my head.
But Hex is my everything. I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him, I stand under the hot shower looking at the slick tiles and thinking about him. I look at the sky at dawn, I seek out the moon and the stars at night thinking about him.
What would he like to eat? Did he sleep enough? Would he try to kiss me if I told him I’d booked us tickets for the lizard event at the zoo? Would he laugh if I confessed that I helped Leo and Matt organize the surprise party for his birthday? Or that I was the one who picked the cake and paid extra so the baker would let me be the one to write the ‘Happy Birthday Hex’ on top of it?
Just protecting and looking out for Hex ceased to work for me a long time ago. I just refused to acknowledge it and now I am forced to do so on the go just because he hasn’t stopped smiling at some guy who looks like me.
This is ridiculous. Silly. I’ve lost my mind and gone insane. If anyone found out I am having an epiphany of this magnitude while pretend-sipping cocktails and relaxing by the pool on a luxury cruise, they’d be laughing for an entire day.
But life is strange like that. It doesn’t care if you are ready for love or if the moment is convenient.
A nudge to my arm shakes my thoughts, pulling me back to the present. I’m not ready to be back there yet, but I take a deep breath and swallow my confused feelings. The worst has passed, so the resolution can wait another few days… I hope.
“No, seriously, Mong. That daiquiri was amazing! Hands-down the best cocktail I’ve ever had,” Hex says with so much enthusiasm, you’d think he’s won the Oscars and this is his thank you speech.
My brain somehow remembers Hex’s crazy plan and my part in it. Even though I feel like my head has turned into a mushy cloud, I force myself to meet Mong’s gaze and smile. “I’ve never seen Hex so impressed. It makes me curious to try one of your drinks.”
Clapping his hands, Hex grins at both of us. “Mong, how about we move this to our cabin? We’ll throw a party with booze and juice and board games.”
I shake my head, fighting off a smile. Since when do alcohol and board games make a party?
Mong doesn’t seem at all concerned with Hex’s nerdy idea of having a good time. He nods excitedly and pats Hex on the shoulder, letting his hand linger there.
My heart jumps into my throat, frantic and loud. Before I know it, I’ve gripped Hex by the wrist and pulled him into my arms. His wide brown eyes stare up at me in surprise, glinting and soul-stealing. The ire within me settles down, my chest no longer suffocating.
“What was that for?” the smartass asks, frowning at me.
What indeed?
I pull my own towel from the chair’s backrest and drop it on him. “You didn’t dry off properly.”
Dabbing a few places as he snorts at me and complains about not being a kid, he yanks free and rolls his eyes. “Ugh. Stop embarrassing me!” Then at Mong, he tosses, “So, are you coming or yes?”
