But mostly, Kestrel just lamented.
“I couldn’t have been a bigger fool,” she went on, mindlessly stroking the fox’s fur, an act that seemed just as comforting for her companion as it was for her. “How could I have not known? Every time he came home, he was so sour. I always thought it must just be miserable out there. Harrowing, even. But all this time, what if he just regretted having to come back? Sometimes I would see him on the horizon and watch him walk all the way to our doorstep, and I swear he grew heavier with every step.”
Kestrel swallowed against the sting in her chest. “I never knew—I never even suspected…”
If she had, she wondered if things might’ve been different. If she would’ve confronted him, asked him to take her with him. To show her the world and how to survive in it. After all, her books had made her curious about such adventures. In most of the stories, seemingly ordinary people would do extraordinary things. They would fight dragons, take on tyrannical governments, explore uncharted lands.
The Wilds had always seemed far too dangerous for her toeven dream of such a thing. But maybe that was just the fear that Thom had instilled in her talking. Maybe this was the start of her own adventure. The day she would seize her own destiny. Make a life all her own.
The only problem was, Kestrel didn’t have a clue what that life would entail.
When she had left their tower, her only goal had been to find Thom and return home safely. But now?
“I don’t know what to do,” she confessed, her hand stilling on the fox’s back. A poisonous concoction of shame and remorse twisted in her belly. “I don’t even know where to begin because I don’t even know where is safe. Thom never told me the places that could be trusted—I didn’t even know there were places that could be trusted. And now, the only place I’ve found, I can’t return to. Not if Thom’s there.”
The fox made a grumbling noise again, nudging her hand with its dry nose.
Kestrel mustered a weak grin. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out.”
It wasn’t an empty promise, but one she intended to keep. Not that she had a choice, really. It was her life on the line and Kestrel intended on figuring out how to survive, even if she had to do it without Thom.
So she thought back to all the books she had read, especially the ones where the heroines found themselves wandering foreign lands with no clue how to survive on their feet. If she put her mind to it, she could do the same.
Kestrel’s stomach grumbled. Food, she supposed, was a good first place to start. Then probably lodging so that she could rest awhile. Although she didn’t want to run into Thom again, the guards she’d encountered earlier were still at the front gates. Maybe they could point her to a place where she was unlikely to run into him for the night.
Before she could nudge the fox out of her lap and start making her way back toward Mutiny Bay though, the fox’s ear twitched in the moonlight.
“What is it?”
The fox sprang from her lap, teeth bared.
It was then that Kestrel heard the sound of footfalls in the sand behind her. She jumped up too, snapping around to face whatever was approaching.
Through the darkness, she could discern the silhouettes of two people walking toward her.
Kestrel snatched the knife from her belt again and thrust it outward. “S-stay back! I’m warning you. I know how to fight.”
That was a lie, but she hoped between the gleam of the blade and the fox’s vicious growls it would be enough to deter anyone who meant her harm.
The one in the middle threw their arms up. “It’s okay. It’s just us.”
Hearing Leighton’s voice was like curling up next to a warm fire in the middle of winter. Her blade arm dropped. Kestrel stepped toward him, desperate to leap into his arms and soak in as much of his reassurance as she could. But she stopped herself. As much as she wanted to be comforted, she hadn’t yet forgotten that he had kept secrets from her as well.
Kestrel squared her shoulders instead. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to?—”
Leighton was interrupted by the cursed sun shooting back into the sky. Everyone winced, the sudden burst of light leaving them all temporarily blinded and disoriented. But Kestrel tried keeping her attention on the two of them—notthree, she noticed. For the first time, she wondered where Efrem was.
“Ah, you never do get used to that blasted thing, do you?” Micah groaned, hands shielding his steel blue eyes.
If he was waiting for a reaction, Kestrel wasn’t giving him one. She didn’t want them to feel welcome in her presence. She wanted them gone.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Leighton said, also readjusting to the light. “It didn’t feel right letting you run off without checking in on you after…after all of that.” He dared a step closer. Then another. When she flinched as if she would bolt, he held up his hands. “I just wanted to see if you were okay?”
How could she lie? Her face was still covered in tears.
But she didn’t want to admit her vulnerability to him either. He hadn’t earned her trust earlier, she’d just given it willingly. And that had been a mistake. One she wouldn’t repeat so readily.
