“What possible benefit is there to me being sober right now? I tried it earlier, and I cried so hard I vommed. No, thank you,” I say stubbornly.
“You’re going to need to be clear-headed to fix this, Con,” she says firmly.
“I already tried. I begged Fee not to go through with it, and he just kept saying hehadto, like some sort of martyr.”
“Yeah, well, Phoenix isn’t the only one who needs to call off an engagement.” She looks at me as though her patience is wearing thin with one eyebrow raised.
“What’s even the point in calling things off with Will? Fee is gonna to marry you in a couple of days, so I may as well marry Will.” My words slur from the haze of alcohol.
“I’m going to forgive you for saying that because you’re obviously drunk and hurting right now. But Will is one of your best friends; he’s been in love with you for the better part of fifteen years, and he deserves better than being your fallback guy. Drink the coffee because Will is on his way over, and we’re going to find a way to fix this mess.” Niamh’s tone leaves no room for debate.
Part of me wants to deny Will is in love with me; I don’t think he really is. Still, deep down, I do know he feels differently for me than I do for him. If it had been up to him, we’d have gone through with getting married by now, but it was always easier to ignore those niggling thoughts. Guilt eats at me for being so selfish, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from lashing out at everyone around me.
By the time I’ve downed the coffee, some water, and had a shower, I can hear Will and Niamh talking downstairs. Unfortunately, I’ve sobered up enough to really start to dread having this conversation with him.
The argument with Fee has left me raw and exposed, and I don’t want my best friend to hate me. Equally, I can’t help but think if I’d been less of a coward and called things off with Will sooner, this engagement between Niamh and Fee might never have happened.
The three of us sit around Niamh’s small wooden kitchen table with cups of tea. Will must have come straight from work because he’s still wearing his scrubs. My life would be a lot easier if I did love him that way. Will has a heart of gold; he’s hard-working, and he’s loyal to a fault.
“What’s going on, you guys?” he asks nervously, looking back and forth between Niamh and me.
“Go on,” Niamh says, kicking me under the table.
I come clean about everything. All the way back to when Fee and I met, to us breaking up now. I try to explain why I kept it all a secret, and through it all, he never interrupts. When I’ve finished spilling my guts, I wait for him to say something, but when I look up from the tiny scratch on the tabletop I’d been staring at, he looks stunned.
“Did you know all along?” he asks Niamh, and I feel fucking awful at how betrayed he sounds.
“No. I found out a few days ago.”
I wish he would yell at me or something. I’d rather he get mad than have to see the wrecked look on his face.
“I’m so sorry, Will. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I’m so sorry.” And I mean it. Because all this time I’ve been telling myself Will just had a little crush on me, I’ve been lying to myself. I recognise the brokenhearted expression on his face because I’ve seen it in my own reflection.
The sound of Niamh’s chair scraping against the tiled floor echoes around the room as she gets up. She leans down and kisses me on the forehead.
“I love you, I’m here for you, and everything’s going to be okay,” she says softly to me. I look up at her, and she has her quietly determined face on. I’m not sure what she thinks she can do at this point, but I know my sister, and she won’t quit until she’s exhausted every avenue.
“Come on, Will. Let's take a walk.” She squeezes his shoulder, and he stands up to leave.
“I’m so sorry, Will,” I blurt out again before he makes it out of the door.
“Yeah, me too, Con.”
In the past twenty-four hours, I’ve told my boyfriend I hate him, wrecked my house and broken my best friend’s heart. To top it off, I’ve left Niamh to pick up the pieces, even though she’s the one who has to marry a stranger in a couple of days. Even thinking of it makes my stomach churn. Enough is enough, though; I can’t have a pity party forever. I down another pint of water and plug my phone in to charge.
When my phone finally turns back on, I ignore the incoming texts from Fee and text my da.
Me:I need to talk to you urgently. Are you home?
I lie back on Niamh’s spare bed, waiting for a reply. I know I told Fee it was down to him to put a stop to this, but I have to try.If I tell my da I’ve called things off with Will, he’ll be angry, but maybe he’ll consider making a change to this agreement. I can’t sit back and do nothing anymore.
Da:Down on the south border with Sam. Can it wait until the morning?
I sigh, feeling slightly defeated because I’d just psyched myself up to tell him tonight. Realistically, it won’t make much difference if I tell him tonight or in the morning, though, so I reply and make plans to go round to his for breakfast.
I putParks & Recon in the background while I wait for Niamh to get home.
I must have fallen asleep. As I open my eyes, I register the sound of footsteps on the stairs. It’s dark outside. A glance at my phone tells me it’s four am.
