Settling into bed, we’re both lying on our backs, side by side but not touching. Our breathing sounds loud and harsh in the silent room. I'm bone tired, but my whole body is wired and alert to the fact Phoenix is lyingrightthere. It could be minutes, or it could be hours later when Phoenix breaks the silence.
“Connor? Are you still awake?” he whispers. I take a minute... I know I told him to call me Connor, but now he actually is—Ihateit.
“Mm.”
“This is weird, isn’t it?”
“You’ll have to be more specific; everythin’ about this day has been weird.” He goes silent again, and I wonder if he’s fallen asleep.
“Of all the times I spent picturing the day you’d finally be in my home, lying next to me in my bed, I… I never pictured this,” he chokes out the last part.
My eyes burn as I try to hold back the tears which have been threatening to spill all day. If I say anything out loud at the moment, I’m very much in danger of sobbing, and once I start, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop.
Maybe it’s the emotional day I’ve had or the lateness of the hour, but I reach out my pinky finger and brush it against his hand, interlocking it with his. It’s not much, but right now, it’s the best I can do, a tiny little olive branch to let him know,me too.
Phoenix Campbell
I scrub my hand over my face as I wake up and take in mysurroundings. I’m in my own bedroom, but my left arm is completely numb. As I dip my chin, I’m suddenly reminded of why. Cee is curled around me, using my bicep as his pillow; his arm wrapped around my waist and his thigh thrown over mine.
Taking a deep breath, I let the scent of lightning and heather fill my senses. I allow myself to enjoy the brief tranquillity while it lasts. It’s been over a year since I woke up to this, but as much as I want to cling to the moment, I know as soon as he wakes up, the spell will be broken. I have just enough self-preservation to discern I can’t handle the inevitable rejection. I don’t want to witness the moment he realises his unconscious mind sought comfort inme,and heimmediately pulls away. Untangling myself from his heavy limbs, I move slowly and carefully so as not to disturb him and head downstairs to make some coffee.
As I scoop coffee grounds into the filter in the top of the machine, I can’t help but dwell on how I ended up in this mess. The toilet flushes upstairs and the hot water pipes begin to squeal, alerting me to the fact Cee is awake.
If someone had told me a year ago that one day, Cee would be inmyhouse, having spent the night sleeping inmybed, asmyhusband, I would have probably cried with relief. It’s hard to feel that at present, though. It’s a cruel irony he’s finally here, existing in my space, and yet he despises me. I laugh, but it’s ugly and bitter.
“I think laughin' to yourself might be one of the first signs of madness.” Cee's voice startles me. I must have been entirely in a world of my own not to hear him walking down my creaky staircase.
“It occurred to me I don’t know how you take your coffee, four years together, and I’ve no idea if you take milk or sugar; how bizarre is that?” I’m trying to hold back the laugh because even to my own ears, I sound slightly hysterical. I remove the full jugof coffee from the machine, enjoying the bitter aroma that fills the kitchen.
“If you had to guess, how do you think I take my coffee?” he asks.
This feels like a test.
“I’d guess you take it with a splash of milk and maybe one sugar?”
“You’d think that by now, I’d be less surprised you’d get it right on the first try,” he snorts. “It’s as if you know me or somethin’.”
I’m relieved, as though somehow passing this stupid coffee test is a good omen. I think I needed the reminder that while we’ll never know every single thing about each other, he’s right, Idoknow him.
I whip up a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast, and we sit opposite each other at my tiny kitchen table, eating and sipping coffee.
“What’s the lake your house overlooks?” Cee asks.
“It’s Lake Coniston.”
“Does your family live near here?” I’m so on edge around him at the moment that I find myself looking for the trap in anything he asks me.
“Um, not too far. My parents and Alf live north of here in Glenridding, which is on the edge of Ullswater. Jasper, Jade, and Henry live East near Windermere. The rest of the pack are pretty spread out.” He pauses before responding.
“You have a beautiful home.”
“Yeah, it’s nice. It’s not very big, but it suited since it was only me here.”
“You know, you don’t have to leave your home behind,” Cee says.
“What do you mean? Of course I do? We can’t live on this land,” I reply, confused.
“What I mean is, although we’ll have to have a house in Yorkshire, the agreement never stated we had to live there all the time.”
