“My cream popsicle,” Hubrie sang. “I will slurp you to the greatest heights. I will guide you up the stairway to Heaven, with my tongue as your stairs, and my rippling abs as your backup stairs. Between my demonic, Satanic tongue-lashing and my heaving, glistening abs, you will be tied up like a roast pig and slingshotted into the sky, where you will explode and cover everyone with Heavenly jizz.”
“What,” Duke said.
Nat continued to heave his guts into the toilet.
“This is the best way to soften the morning sickness,” Hubrie said sagely. “When you make Nat promises during some of the worst moments of his life.”
“No one wants to hear about jizz when they’re throwing up,” Duke retorted.
Nat waited until his stomach had calmed down. Duke handed him a glass of water; he swallowed some and rinsed out his mouth. “The pickup line wasn’t all bad,” he said haltingly. “It helped me think about something other than my stomach.”
Hubrie waggled his eyebrows violently. “See?”
Duke looked betrayed. “No, I don’t see it at all.”
Hubrie scoffed. “You need to use yourimagination.Here. How about you look into each other’s eyes.” He flipped through his book again.
“No,” Duke growled.
“I think we should try,” Nat said quietly.
Duke froze. Slowly, he turned to look at Nat, as though he could not believe his ears.
Nat shrugged. “It’s just a pickup line.”
Hubrie cackled. “Once upon a time, my wee lil swimmers went on a date with your wee big egg. They all started making out and it became a pool party orgy. The lil swimmers boned each other with their tails. They covered the egg with their jizz like it was a wedding gown. And they all married each other to have a very happily ever after.”
Duke mouthed parts of the pickup line to himself, looking extremely gobsmacked.
“But sperm can’t jizz,” Nat said.
“They can’t have tail sex, either, or get married,” Duke said, eyeing the pink book with great offense. “What the hell are you reading?”
“699 Pickup Lines For Your Wriggly Heart Muffin, by Dicky Mems.” Hubrie cackled. “It’s ‘Guaranteed to work!!!’ Look, it even says so on the cover.”
Duke turned to Nat. “Is it working for you?”
In spite of everything, Nat smiled. “I’ve never seen you speechless before. So maybe it is.”
Hubrie crowed in triumph. Duke buried his face in his hand.
“I can’t believe this,” Duke muttered.
Nat was trying to think of a reply when his phone buzzed. He fished it out of his pocket.
NotAWalrus
Ok, I’m safe. You guys don’t need to worry.
HocusPocus
Do you need help getting out of there?
NotAWalrus
No, no, I’m fine.
I just need to not get pregnant
