“Yes,” she fumed.
Ouch. That stung a little. “That’s not very nice. At least yell at me first so it’s make-up sex.”
“I am yelling,” she shouted. “Because I couldn’t go through with it. I’m so angry I could kick a hole through the wall, and all I wanted was for you to feel half as pitiful as I feel right now. But I care for you, and I couldn’t do it, and I’m absolutely homicidal over it.”
The sting over my heart eased a little because she said she cared for me, which… win. But clearly, I’d hurt her. “Maybe you should tell me what I did so I can grovel.”
Arabella released a screech of frustration, pulling away from me, picking up her scrubs, and storming to the bedroom. I stood there in dumbfounded silence. It was one thing to royally fuck up, but it was another thing to not know what the hell I’d done. Cautiously, as if she’d left a trail of landmines behind her, I made my way back to the bedroom. I found her shoving an enormous black sweater over her pink hair, and it engulfed her, falling to her knees. She put on a pair of white leggings, and then she whirled around to face me.
I flinched. The hurt on her expression was far louder than the fury. And then what she’d said sank into my brain.
It’s okay to do something shady as long as it benefits us both, right?
I closed my eyes in resignation. “You found out about the investment.”
“Theodore Spencer, big MD brain,” she snarled.
“Right.” I expelled a breath. “I should have said something before.”
“Why?” she asked with heavy sarcasm. “Why, when I’d never find out and you could continue playing the hero for me? Right?”
Jesus, her barbs were sharp. “Bee, I never took the money he offered.”
“How noble,” she gritted out.
“I came here for you,” I insisted, coming into the room to inch closer to her. “I know it probably sucks to find out this way, but I swear to you, this was never about money.”
She choked out a laugh, her eyes going glassy and looking away from me. She folded her arms defensively, and it broke my heart when I realized she was trying hard not to cry. That hurt far more than her words ever could. “The worst part is that I know that, Theo. I know you came here because you’re a good person.”
Oh, God, she was hurt. She was so hurt, and it was my fault. “It was never my intention to hurt you.”
“I know,” she repeated, her eyes closing. Her lashes shimmered with tears. “I know you didn’t mean to, and it almost hurts more because of that.” When her eyes opened again, they were stark blue and shimmering with moisture. “You accepted an enticement from my brother to come out here and help me because I was honestly that pathetic.”
“You are not pathetic,” I argued swiftly.
“It feels that way,” she insisted. Her anger had dissipated, and instead, only deep anguish remained. “My mother’s affection has dollar signs and zeros attached to it. What I can offer to my animals here is contingent upon dollar signs and zeros. Your coming here was supported by—whether you meant it or not—dollar signs and zeros. The gentle things in my life all come at a price. And you’re no different.”
I reared back like she’d slapped me. Because it was true. I had accepted Knox’s bribe to take on Arabella’s “charity case.” My genuine feelings for her notwithstanding, I had done that without a second thought. And then I’d hid it from her. Selfishly, I’d kept it to myself because I knew it would make her angry. I hadn’t wanted to lose her, but those had been thoughts about my wants, my desires. Not what would have made her feel the most secure.
I swallowed hard. “Ara, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think…” I paused, rubbing my forehead. “Well, I didn’t think. That’s about where that explanation ends.”
“You thought plenty about how you would benefit,” she argued angrily, and her glassy eyes flashed again. “And I’m sure you thought about telling the truth, too, but you didn’t.”
I paled, and like I was walking a nightmare of my own making, I realized I was losing her. I didn’t know how to navigate this, how to find my way through the tangled web I’d spun for myself. “It was never meant to be like that.”
“But it is, Spencer,” she insisted, her voice cracked across my heart like a whip. “Itislike that for me. I am so sick of being a piece on everyone’s board game.”
“You are not part of some game,” I argued, feeling the first inkling of my own frustration and anger. “You mean every—Arabella, I—” I fumbled over the words, suddenly doubting myself. If I told her now that I loved her, it would be empty. It would be a weapon of self defense and she might never believe me. Frustrated, I paced away and back again, only to find her closing in on herself. “Ara, stop,” I insisted. I took her arms in a gentle grip, turning her to me. “I care about you so damn much. Don’t do this.”
“I know you do,” she admitted, but there was a hardness to her gaze as she tipped her head back to look at me. She’d put the walls back up, and her resolve to hide behind them seemed ironclad. “You care deeply for people—that’s your strength.”
“Not ‘people,’” I gritted out, shaking her a little. “You, Bee. I care aboutyou.”
Her eyes bounced between mine, and she deflated again. “I’m sure you do.”
God—fucking—dammit. All the time I’d spent with her, all the softness I’d coaxed from her had been wiped out by my own stupidity. And I didn’t see a way around it. I didn’t know howto get her back. I didn’t know how to convince her to trust me after this. Arabella had never been able to trust anyone growing up, and now I’d fucked up the tiniest sliver of hope she’d dared to hold onto. “You mean more to me than money, Arabella. Much more. I hope you know I’m here and making chili and being around horses and chopping firewood because I want to. Because I truly thought you wanted it, too.”
She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “I don’t know what’s real.”
