As I drive, I think about yesterday. I rarely take a day off, but persuaded by Drew to make time for myself, for the first time in ages I did something I’d long wanted to do. Until I strayed from the path and came face to face with that bear, I was enjoying the beauty of the canyon, which I’d wanted to explore for some time.
But the bear incident brought Tse to me. Last night I dreamed about my rescuer. The man so striking in looks, and so kind. If only I’d been free to indicate my interest in him. His card and number are stuck to the fridge in my trailer, and that’s where they’re going to stay. Though I’d love to, I won’t contact him, won’t do anything to encourage the mutual interest I’m sure I’d seen in his eyes. I won’t even ring to say thank you, even though I know he did more than just swap out a broken bulb last night. A brake light working doesn’t make a car run any better.
For a moment, I imagine what it would be like to have a relationship with a man such as him, or anyone for that matter. Someone who’d be there for me, someone to share things with. Since my mom had been taken away, I’ve had no one to lean on, no one to talk to. No one to share my hopes and fears with. Maybe that was why I’d been so open with Tse yesterday. He’d been easy to talk to. Drew’s getting older now, but even so, there’s only so much I can disclose to him. He’s lost one parent; I don’t like to worry him that he could lose me too. Unlike me, he doesn’t have to fear exposure, he’s a US citizen, with the birth certificate to prove it.
He’s not stupid, that’s why he was upset I was speaking to Tse yesterday. He keeps my secret, doesn’t have friends over, doesn’t talk to anyone about his illegal sister. Talks about his plans to sponsor me. But it’s not just the money he’d need to be earning. What I haven’t explained is that in order to apply for a green card, I’d have to enter the country legally. I’d have to get a visa to cross that border, and take the unlikely chance I’d be allowed back through.It’s safer to stay and take my chances.
Life goes on, each twenty-four hour period the same. I work myself to the bone, study or do work experience during the day, fall into my bed each night exhausted. As days turn into weeks, my adventure in Sabino Canyon becomes just a distantmemory. Even though I try to recall it, each day Tse’s face fades in my mind.
“You look rough.” Drew’s critical eyes sweep over me.
I normally do when I’ve had little sleep, but last night was worse than normal. I had a dream, so vivid and real, my unconscious memory dredging up details I lose when I wake, however much I try to relive it. It was impossible to go back to sleep. What was it about Tse that my mind doesn’t want to forget after all this time? I barely met the man, yet he haunts my nights.Last night he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t make out the words.
“Coffee will sort me out.” I fill the pot, glad water’s coming out of the tap today, and wait for it to brew.
Drew’s still watching me carefully. “I hate you having to push yourself the way that you do.”
Putting on my brightest smile, I turn to him. “It’s not for much longer, Drew. I’ll be qualified soon, and will be able to take a nursing job. That will bring in much more money than I’m able to earn now. I won’t be working eighteen-hour days anymore.” My smile becomes genuine as I imagine the future I’m painting for myself.
“Long enough, sis. And what about when your DACA status runs out? What if they won’t renew it?”
Pouring coffee into a cup, I wave him off. “I’ll worry about that when the time comes.” I might sound dismissive, but the truth is, I worry about that all the time. Waiting for my drink to cool, I gaze out of the window. This is the only home I can remember, I have a few shadowy recollections of the place where I spent my first four years, but that’s all. I don’t speak the language, don’t know the people. If I was returned to Colombia, what the hell would I do? Would I still be able to be a nurse? Would the country of my birth reap the benefits of my education in North America? That seems crazy to me.
I shudder, and try to cover it up. I couldn’t leave Drew, and certainly couldn’t take him with me. My pulse races as I face my fears, and the coffee trembles in my cup. I make an effort to still my shaking hands. My back towards my brother, I breathe deeply, trying to get my mind on the day ahead, trying to force my ever-present anxiety into the background.I can’t let it show. Have to be strong for him.
“Got football practice tonight, remember?” Drew reminds me.
“Mal dropping you off after?” The focus on everyday things helps bring me back to the here and now,just take it day by day.I keep my voice light.
“Yeah. You ready to go, Ma?”
I drain my cup and turn around with a cheery smile. “Let’s get this day started, shall we?”
The dream from last night stays with me. Tse’s face, so close, so detailed I felt I could reach out and touch it, his mouth opening and shutting as he spoke a warning.Take care.Why, after three weeks, should I still be thinking of him? Why that dream, why those words of caution? I’m always careful, I think as I drop Drew off.Nothing unusual here.I point my car towards the community college, and, as I normally do, drive carefully.
There’s a traffic light ahead, it’s just turned red. I slow, stopping well in time as I draw up to it. A few seconds while I wait, the signal obstinately refusing to change. Then suddenly my car’s moving and my body tries to fly forward, violently halted by the seatbelt.What the hell?My chest hurts, my knees are pushed up against the steering wheel.
Someone’s at my door, trying to open it. Stunned, I don’t even try to help. Then it’s open, and a stranger’s reaching in, turning off my engine—why hadn’t I thought of that?
“Are you alright?”
I can’t answer, can’t speak, just turn my eyes on him. I’m in shock, unable to understand what happened. A crowd has gathered.Got to get out. Got to see what the damage is…
As I go to move, the man places a hand on my shoulder. “Ambulance is coming. Stay there. You don’t know how badly you’re hurt.”
I’ve got to get out and find out. Can’t afford an ambulance.“I’m okay, just shocked.” I find my voice at last. “I don’t need medical help.”
I fumble with the seatbelt fastening, managing to get it undone, then slide my legs out. Pulling myself up by the doorframe, I stand, leaning on the roof of the car while my shaking legs threaten to give out. It’s then I look at the damage. My car’s crumpled up, both rear wheels at odd angles. I know in a flash I’ll never be driving it again.I can’t afford a new car.Then I look at the one that’s driven into me. The driver is out, his eyes shooting daggers in my direction, and he’s gesticulating to the state trooper who’s just arrived and got out of his vehicle.
It’s then I notice the policeman’s partner coming toward me. “Driver’s licence?” he asks when he gets close.
Holding my painful chest, leaning into the car, I take out my purse and pass the document over. He peruses it, then glances up. “Mariana De Souza?”
I nod. Yeah, that’s me.
“Can you tell me what happened?”
I wave back at the traffic light, now a few feet to my rear. “I was stopped on red, Officer. I wasn’t looking behind me, I was concentrating on watching for the light to change. I knew nothing until that car ran straight into me.”
