Page 17 of The Pursuit of Happiness
I raise a brow, “Who knows about this PR stunt?”
Selene answers almost immediately, “Everyone who was in this room today. The managers, you two, and of course, Brody and Ivory. That’s it. Nobody else can know.”
I give Selene a look of doubt, “You know Brody can’t keep secrets from Harvey.”
She smirks, “Harvey and Dallas, too. Especially if they’re gonna be working on getting to the bottom of where that video came from.”
I nod, “Is there anything else?”
She shakes her head. “As of today, no. I’ll have something for you to do in a couple of days so be ready.”
I rise from my seat immediately, taking her dismissal as an opportunity to leave. I don’t want to be in this room with Slater for any longer than I absolutely have to. I mutter a quick goodbye to Selene before rushing out the door, never sparing Slater so much as a glance. I keep my head down as I speed walk down the hall and right when I’m near the finish line for the elevators, a firm hand wraps around my upper arm to stop me. I know who it is before I even turn around. I reluctantly look over my shoulder and find Slater who looks just as bad as I feel. His eyes are bloodshot the same way mine are from lack of quality rest and his eyes hold so much heartache, it feels like my own heart absorbs some of that pain.
I stare blankly at his perfect face and feel sudden anger rise inside of me. He did this to me. I know he was involved in some way, I just don’t knowhow. I’m angry that I still feel attracted to him even though I know what he could’ve been responsible for. Angry at myself and angry at him.
“Aria…” His voice trails off, exhaustion in his voice.
Coming back to reality, I shove my attraction for him back under the surface and yank my arm out of his grasp. “Don’t touch me,” I snap.
He frowns, his face falling, “I’m so sorry this happened. I didn’t have anything to do with this and it’s killing me that you think I did. I would never hurt you, Aria. Not in any way.”
I’ll admit that part of me wants to believe him, but there’s another part of me that just can’t get past the pain I’m feeling. Is there a chance he could not be involved? I guess so. But I need someone to blame. I need something to focus my anger on because if I don’t, I feel like I’m going to scream. Is this totally wrong of me to do? Yes. I just can’t stabilize my emotions right now.
I want to snap at him, to lash out and take my anger out on him, but then I remember that if I don’t work with him, if I ruin this newfound business relationship, I won’t just be hurting myself. My reputation is already shot but my name is still tied to Satan’s Angels and I don’t want my negative publicity to hurt my friends. Not when it’s already killing Brody that she can’t play the drums in the new album. Selene worked her ass off to come up with this plan and to work on this deal and I can’t just risk all of her hard work because I feel like I want to snap at Slater.
I swallow down my pride and raise my chin, forcing the anger to dissipate and be swept under the rug for just a while longer. “Look Slater,” I start but he cuts me off.
“Sly,” he corrects.
I roll my eyes, “Sly, whatever. Saying sorry isn’t going to change the fact that my reputation is ruined. I know you claim you didn’t have anything to do with it, and I’m still deciding whether or not I want to believe you, but we aren’t friends. We arenevergoing to be friends, so let’s just both be on the same page on that. We may have to work together on this new album and pretend to be in love, but when the cameras aredown, I don’t want anything to do with you.” My words are harsh, I know. I feel a twinge of sympathy in my gut at the way his face falls. The heartache and stress that clearly shows in his face makes me regret being so blunt, but I can’t help it. The conviction in his voice when he claimed that he wasn’t involved in the video tied along with the state he’s in has me questioning if he really could’ve been involved in the tape. I. Just. Don’t. Know.
He sighs, “Okay, I’m sorry.”
Now I really feel like a total asshole, so I soften my voice around my next words, “I appreciate your…apology.” I take a step back toward the elevator and press the button, desperate to get the fuck out of here.
Just as the doors open he speaks up, “For what it’s worth, nothing they’re saying or posting about you is true. Nobody who really knows you believes that.”
I snort a laugh, “And you think you really know me?”
He gives me a weak smile, the tips of his ears turning red to show his embarrassment, “No.” I step inside the elevator and press the white button to lead me to the lobby. When the doors start to close in front of me, cutting off my connection to Slater Nicks, he adds, “But I want to.”
––––––––
I SHUT THE DOORto my house behind me, kicking my shoes off in the entryway. I immediately start to make my way upstairs, the wooden floorboards creaking against my weight with each step. The creaky floorboards along with the things that go bump in the night are the reasons I bought this house. Apparently, it’s been haunted for fifty years and while it needed some tender love and care in terms of renovations, I wanted to keep all of the original gothic features. The creepy stuff just makes me happy, what can I say?
I was coughing up cash when the real estate agent told me there were ghosts in here. Sometimes at night, I can hear the cabinets in the kitchen opening and closing and I know it’s one of the ghosts. I named that one Ethel, not sure why. It just felt right.
I make it all the way to my room where I change into a pair of loose fitted sweats and curl immediately into bed, pulling my duvet up to my chin, the emotional exhaustion of the day taking its toll on me. Usually, I have a lot more energy than this, but considering the fact my reputation was ruined and there’s amateur porn of me floating around the internet, I’m giving myself a free pass to wallow in self pity.
I put the TV on and immediately press play on my go-to comfort film,Scream. What’s even better is that there are enough movies to keep my brain occupied for ten years. I relax as the intro starts, the familiarity of my favorite film encases me in a blanket warmer than this duvet. Soonafter, Kiko and Taz come stalking into the room and right into bed with me. They both cuddle up to me and I start to pet them both, making sure to scratch Taz behind his ear in the way I know he likes.
With each stroke behind his fluffy little ear my mind retreats deeper and deeper within its recesses. The comments I read about myself on social media swirl around my mind on a loop, the worst ones in a larger, more intimidating and threatening font than the rest. The worst part about this entire predicament is that I don’t remember any of that night. I’ve never filmed a sex tape before and I want to know if when it was happening, we knew we were being filmed and were okay with it or if someone took advantage of us at a vulnerable moment. My skin crawls and chills break out on my arms at the thought that someone unknowingly watched us and filmed us without our consent.
What’s worse about the latter is that the media is still tearing me apart even though I could’ve been taken advantage of. Theynever said a bad thing about Slater though, which brings out the bitter and insecure side of me. I know the issue is black and white. It’s because I’m a woman and Slater is a man. They’re complimenting him and his giant dick, but ripping me apart because I had sex? The sexual disparities are so blatantly clear and it’s eating me up inside.
After reading so many horrible things about myself, I actually start to believe them. This feeling brings me back to when I was a teenager and I would go along with what my friends were doing, and mirror them because I didn’t know who I was. I wanted so badly to fit in because throughout my entire life, I’ve been walking around feeling like a shell, completely empty inside. I thought that I would be happier if I was accepted, if I became someone I’m not. It reminds me a lot of what Brody went through, but its different too. Brody was able to be happy by being herself. I stopped mirroring because it just didn’t feel right anymore and it was never making me happy. The only problem is that I still don’t feel happy.
It always felt like a piece was missing from my puzzle and I’ve never been able to find it. I have a constant dark cloud above my head following me all over and it just never goes away, always leaving me feeling miserable. Drugs and alcohol were always temporary fixes but when we all nearly lost our careers five months ago, we stopped indulging as much and it didn’t affect Brody and Ivory nearly as bad as it affected me.
