Give a woman a fish and all that.
Pretty sure the Bible was talking about real fish, but I actually prefer the sweet little red ones.
I did manage to slide some carrot bites into Crew’s mouth when he wasn’t looking, so I’m not the world’s most terrible mother. Just close.
I push back from my laptop and rub my eyes. I’ve been working so long I can no longer see straight. I spent five hours today transcribing phone calls for people I’ll never meet, all while entertaining Crew and attempting to clean the house. After he went down for his nap, I started on a few Etsy orders, and for the last two hours have smashed my fingers countless times while hammering tiny letters into the crescent bar necklaces I sell. It’s insignificant, but I take pride in the work I do, even if it’s not my passion in life. It’s a means to an end. When orders are high, it helps pay the bills. Lately, it hasn’t been enough.
What I need is a real job. One with a decent, steady wage. And benefits. But I can’t stand the thought of leaving Crew, even if it is just during the day. I promised to take care of him, to be the one that attends to his needs since he’s only ever had one parent in his life. I know it’s ridiculous, but I feel like a failure even admitting I need help from my best friend Maddie.
When I found out I was pregnant, I had gone to my mom. I don’t know why, since she’d never been in my corner before. She always chose my narcissistic stepfather, and his equally awful son, over me. But I was desperate. She had taken one look at me, laughed, and gone back to the pie she was making for my stepbrother’s fiancée. The next day she called to inform me I was no longer welcome in her life, that I had always been a disappointment, and this was the last straw.
Rodney, my ex, wasn’t any happier. He refused to accept the truth and accused me of cheating, which led to one of his many tirades. He started yelling and breaking things. A neighbor called the cops and Rodney was hauled away that night. Before I could decide whether or not I wanted to bail him out, he was hit with possession charges and selling drugs to minors. I’d known he had shady friends, but I always tried to assume the best.
Another one of my flaws, according to my mother. Rodney was given six years, and I was given freedom from him I didn’t know I’d needed.
The last person I told was Maddie. She took me in and cared for me until I could get back on my feet. She has been the only constant in my life when everyone else disappeared.
Those who didn’t matter, and some who did.
The biggest loss had come years before all that, though. My dad. He died in a car crash when I was six, and I guess he had taken his side of the family with him, because no one came around after he was gone. Or maybe he didn’t have any family left either. I’ll never know now. The only good memories I have from childhood are the ones I have of him. They are few and far between.
I don’t need my mom or Rodney, but I wish I had my dad. He would have loved being a grandpa, I think. I was so little when I lost him that sometimes his very existence feels like it was only a dream. The few pictures I have of him only comfort me so much. I like to imagine he’s out there somewhere, watching over us, orchestrating the little miracles that keep me going, because without him, I don’t have anything left of my family.
I switch tabs and refresh my email, hoping to find a letter congratulating me on getting a job I never applied for.
Surprise. It’s not there.
Before Rodney sidetracked my life, I’d been excited about school. I had taken every class at the community college I could without a real end in mind, just to experience life.
Then life gave me real experience. The best experience.
For the last five years, I’ve found any and every online job I can to make it by. I have yet to find something I’m passionate about.
My mom always told me I couldn’t make up my mind to save my life. Apparently, I didn’t have a problem making up my mind about dating a good-for-nothing jerk. Or letting him seduce me.
I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the escalation right there. Going down that rabbit hole never takes me to Wonderland. Unless Wonderland is where everyone wonders what went wrong in their life.
I wouldn’t know; I never finished the movie. Or the book.Is it a book?
But no matter how many things I had done wrong in life, Crew was never a mistake. He saved my life just by being born, and he’s why I do everything I can to keep our heads above water and one inch away from utter poverty.
I print off the shipping label, then gently tuck the necklace into the tiny pink box along with my business card. I finish off the package with a personalized thank you note.
Someday things will be different.
There’s a knock on the door. I shut my laptop before remembering it hates to turn back on whenever I do that. I need a new one. But if I can’t afford the big bag of Swedish Fish, I can’t afford a new laptop either.
I open the door to find my best friend in the hall.
Maddie’s brows wrinkle. “Why is there a Swedish Fish stuck to your shoulder?”
I wish I could blame that one on Crew.
“I may have fallen asleep on my lunch.” I swipe off said Swedish Fish and pop it in my mouth with a smile.Still good.
Maddie just shakes her head and walks around me, looking completely out of place in her navy pencil skirt and white blouse. White is a no-no color around here. She should know that.
“Sometimes I’m amazed Crew didn’t come out looking like a gummy bear,” Maddie says, stepping over Legos on the floor.
