My mental pep talk doesn’t work, and my anxiety rises up my throat, threatening to choke me. My skin feels ice cold, yet I’m sweating.
I scramble across the room, pick up my phone, and hit Maddie’s number.
“You’re up early,” she answers.
“Rodney just called me from prison.”
I hear her sharp intake, then imagine her counting down from ten to calm herself. She doesn’t make it and ends up cursing quietly.
“Did you answer?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Good. Don’t answer his call. Ever.”
My hands continue to shake as I twist a strand of hair around my fingers. “What do I do if he doesn’t stop calling?”
“We get a restraining order,” she says matter-of-factly.
“But he’s in prison. And he hasn’t hurt or threatened me.” Despite the way he treated me when we were together, I had actually believed he loved me. I was so convinced I was everything he wanted, that I could change his bad boy ways and turn him into the perfect husband and father someday. And though he never physically hurt me, his constant negativity about my body, about who I was, left just as many scars.
I don’t want him in our lives, even if he shares the same DNA as my precious boy. As far as I’m concerned, Crew inherited nothing from his father. I plan to keep it that way.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll keep that scumbag where he belongs, forever, if I have to.” Maddie speaks with such conviction I almost believe her, but she’s still in law school and if worse comes to worst, she can’t help me at all right now.
“I know,” I say, walking down the hall to check on Crew.
He’s nestled in his little bed with his old stuffed bear cuddled in his arms. He’s safe. Hopefully, I’ll always be able to keep him that way.
“I need a distraction. Tell me about school.”
“It’s awful.” She sighs.
I know how important success is to her, but sometimes I worry she’s working herself to her grave. Being a lawyer was expected of her. It wasn’t her chosen pathway. If I were to guess, she’d make a great personal trainer or volleyball coach. She used to dominate on the court and that was how she paid her way through college.
“I have to work with Connor on a mock case, but I think I’ll kill him before we finish it.”
“Is he hot?”
“Is the hunchback of Notre Dame hot?” she asks sarcastically.
“I’m sure to some people he is.” I shrug even though she can’t see me. “But how can he not be? Aren’t lawyers supposed to be attractive? Isn’t it a requirement, like on that tuxedo show?”
Her laugh is so loud I have to pull the phone away from my ear. “You meanSuits?”
“Same thing,” I mutter. I’m terrible at remembering anything (mom brain is real). Crew’s tendency to rename things doesn’t help.
“It’s not. But I’ll let it slide.”
“Are you coming over after work to help me find something to wear for Ward’s family dinner?”
“You’re still going after what that woman said?” Maddie asks.
I didn’t even tell Maddie everything, but she’d seen the hurt on my face after Ward’s mother had left.
Her comments had stung, just like each one of my mom’s not-so-subtle digs, but I’m tired of cowering. I want to prove to Claire, and to myself, that I won’t be walked over anymore. Up until twenty minutes ago when Rodney called, I was feeling content with that decision.
I rummage through the cupboards for edible cereal, the stuff with no health benefits and a high sugar concentration, but I find only tasteless squares of nothingness. I hate when healthy me does the grocery shopping.
