“Yeah, and it scared the shit out of me,” Raven said, laughing at how she’d tried to offload the decision to leave Cedar on her intuition. She wished he sucked. Even just a little bit. Why couldn’t he hate recycling or tipping or something.
“Have you thought about telling him your feelings? He might—”
“Absolutely not,” Raven said, even though the hopeless romantic in her, the one who believed in the power of love, the one who dreamed and hoped for the type of affection the greats balladize about, wanted to pour her soul out to Silas.
Twenty-one-year-old Raven would’ve done just that, probably in a flashy outfit with an effusive speech. But the Raven of today, with more emotional bruises and lessons, knew, just like she knew the sting of rejection, she couldn’t grand-gesture her way into being loved.
“It’s a life lesson then,” Gwen said.
Raven nodded. “I’m going to raise the bar a little bit when I start dating again, and Silas will be the prototype.”
“I like that plan,” her friend said.
But as Raven settled her head against Gwen’s shoulder, she knew that that blissful future was a distance away because, most days, she still couldn’t quite feel past her heart cracking like plaster.
* * *
Silas rang the doorbell to his brother’s home as his niece and nephew bounced beside him with their partially eaten ice cream cones.
When Isaiah opened the door, the twins ignored their dad and rushed inside. “Thanks, Uncle Silas!” they shouted before vanishing.
“You got them ice cream,” his brother said with an amused smile.
“It was on the way,” Silas replied. Sometimes he picked up the twins from their dance class when their fathers were unable to.
“You want to come in?” Isaiah asked. “We got some watermelon from the garden.”
“I’m good. I’m gonna head home,” Silas said, moving off the stoop.
“Wait a second, I haven’t talked to you in a minute,” his brother said, joining Silas outside and closing the door behind him. “How’re you doing? How are things?”
Silas shrugged. “Good. Nothing to complain about.”
“That’s good to hear,” his brother responded, nodding too much and tipping Silas off to a hidden agenda.
“You’re being real weird. What’s going on?” Silas asked.
“Nothing… Actually, you know what? I’m going to say it,” Isaiah said, throwing up his hands.
“Okay,” Silas said, bracing himself.
“You said you were making lemonade from what life has dealt you, but I don’t see it that way. I think you’re just eating the lemon straight, rind and all,” Isaiah said.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Silas asked, truly bewildered.
“You messed uponce, a long time ago, and now you’re scared of messing up again so you play it safe,” his brother said.
Silas stilled, finally clicking where this conversation was heading. “Why is it so hard to believe that I want to live in Cedar or work at Mountaintop?”
His brother laughed brashly. “Man, be real with yourself if no one else. You want to do competitive coaching. And I hoped when Raven entered the picture and started fighting for Mountaintop, you would finally admit it, but you just dug in your heels. Then I saw you falling in love with Raven, and I thought that would get you to reassess things, but instead you let her walk straight out of your life.”
Isaiah stopped talking, but Silas couldn’t discern the silence over the pounding of his heart. Too much had been cast at his feet at once, and he couldn’t possibly begin to parse it all right then. He gave his brother a curt nod and turned to walk to his truck.
When he got home, Silas made himself a meal but then couldn’t account for the actual experience of eating it. He turned on the TV and mindlessly watched until he was tired enough that sleep came almost immediately. However, his night was restless, and fatigue draped his body in the morning as he got ready for the day.
Studying himself in his bathroom mirror, he almost laughed at the miserable reflection. His skin was dull, he hadn’t visited the barber in a while, and he just looked so damn unhappy.
Of course, this was the moment he thought of his brother’s words from the evening before.
