My eyes well up, and I swipe away the tears forming quickly, telling myself I’m being stupid. For what, I can’t even say at this point. Am I stupid for still missing him? Am I stupid for accusing him of something that deep down doesn’tfeellike Ezra? Or am I just stupid for continuing with this radio silence without even trying to talk to him, cutting him off with no attempt to meet him halfway?
I tap out a text before I can overthink it.
Me:Hi.
I stare at my phone until my vision blurs, and it takes several agonizing minutes for the little dots to appear, several more before he finally sends a reply.
Ezra:Hi.
I exhale shakily, relief flooding me.
Me:How are you?
His answer comes quicker this time.
Ezra:Really? Three days of silence and that’s what you want to ask me?
Me:Yes?
Ezra:Do you still think I went through your things?
Me:I don’t know.
It’s the truth, and right now, with my inhibitions low, I can’t give him anything but.
Ezra:How could you think that I would do that to you, Dani? After everything? I thought you knew me better than that.
Me:I thought I did too.
Ezra:Apparently not well enough.
Me:Ezra…You’ve used some pretty shady tactics in the past. You have to admit that.
The dots dance for a long time, and I bite my lip as I wait.
Ezra:You and I both know how unfair it is of you to throw that at me.
I wince. Deep down Idoknow it’s unfair. I know how much he loathes having to follow Alexander’s every whim. But I also know that there is a part of me, buried even deeper, that can’t just accept it. Maybe I didn’t even realize it was there before our fight.
Me:But you still do it, Ezra. I know you have a good reason, but can you really say that you wouldn’t purposefully hurt me if Alexander told you to? How am I to know if he found out about us? How do I know he didn’t TELL you to go through my things?
Ezra:That’s bullshit, Dani. you KNOW that’s bullshit.
Me:But I don’t. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared.
I realize it’s true as I say it. Maybe I ignored it before. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the glow of the thing blossoming between us to even realize how terrified I was of being left behind again. Because he would, I think. Leave me behind. If Alexander told him to. And what’s more, knowing what I know about his family, about his mother…could I even blame him?
Ezra:Dani…I would never hurt you. Not on purpose.
Ezra:I care about you too much to even consider it.
A tear slips down my cheek, and I don’t bother wiping it away. My chest hurts, because Iwantto believe that. I want to tell him to come find me. I want to tell him that we can work this out. That I know he would never hurt me on purpose.
But I’ve been proven wrong too many times before, and in my wine-addled brain…the idea of ending it before it can happen seems better for both of us.
Me:It’s probably better this way.
Me:It would have been a mess between us, you know?
