Jason looked pensive, his eyes distant and melancholy. Renee recognised his expression: it was the exact same one he had worn in his recent campaign for Celine. She’d passed a blown-up version in half the MTR stations and shopping malls of Hong Kong on her last trip there. This somewhat undermined its impact now.
“I should have said something last night,” he admitted. “But it was so good to see you again. And you were so excited. I didn’t want to, you know, ruin the vibes.”
Renee’s jaw was starting to ache. “You could’ve thought more about my feelings and less about thevibes.”
“This isn’t easy for me either,” said Jason. “But we’ve got to face facts. What future do we have? My career’s back in Asia. If there was a plan for you to move back to Singapore eventually, maybe we could have worked things out. But you say you like it here. You don’t want to go back.”
“You know what it was like for me there.” Renee’s mouth was dry. She had to swallow before she could get the next words out. “With my family.”
“I get it.” Jason was transparently keen to steer clear of her family, a topic liable to upset Renee at the best of times. “But this isn’t sustainable. You see that, right? We’ve been drifting apart for a while anyway.”
“I’ve been trying,” Renee said, hating the self-pitying wobble in her voice but unable to stop it. “It wasn’t easy to make the time for this vacation, with the new launch for Virtu coming up. But I cleared my diary for you.”
Jason hated it when girls cried. Renee had thought it was cute when he’d told her this on their third date. It hadn’t occurred to her then to wonder how many girls had cried in front of him, and why.
“Oh yeah, your launch,” he said, in an ill-advised attempt to redirect the conversation. “What is it, your fall/winter collection?”
It was October, far too late to start marketing an autumn/winter collection.
“It’s our new homewares line,” said Renee. She’d talked incessantly about Virtu at Home on their calls. But why should Jason have any recollection of that? It was only the thing that had consumed her life for the past eight months. “I’ve been planning to expand the brand beyond womenswear for a while. I showed you the samples. Your mom liked the bowls, remember? I was going to send her some.”
Jason had the grace to look embarrassed. “Sorry. I’ve been busy.”
Renee softened. “I know you are. I know what it’s like. I find it hard to let go of work, too.”
It was a bad idea to let her guard down. She kept forgetting she and Jason were no longer on the same side.
“And I’ve always admired your passion for your business,” he said smoothly. “But let’s be real, Renee. You can’t afford two big careers in a relationship. I need someone who will be with me, who’ll put me first. Can you honestly say you’re willing to do that?”
His face was blurry, famously perfect cheekbones and all. Renee wiped her tears off on her arm, furious at her dumb eyeballs for betraying her. “It’s not like you’ve put me before your job. Or are you the only one who gets to expect that?”
“Let’s not do this.” Jason got up, to make it clear he, at least, was done with the conversation.
“I’ll always care about you,” he said. “I’m just not in love with you anymore.”
Renee registered the authenticity, the gentleness with which Jason charmed interviewers and fans alike. It wasn’t working on her this time, but that didn’t matter. She didn’t matter to him anymore, except as a problem to get rid of.
2
Renee decided towalk back to her flat instead of getting a cab. It wasn’t that far. She could go through Hyde Park. The fresh air might help clear her head. And it would be slightly less humiliating to be sobbing in a public park, surrounded by Londoners averting their eyes, than in the back seat of a taxi with the driver right there.
She’d always loved her proximity to the vast green oasis of the park. Its very scale was settling, dwarfing the red buses and tourist coaches stopping and starting along the busy roads bordering its perimeter.
But for once the place’s magic failed her. Renee trudged past stately trees decked in autumn colours and tourists arguing over directions, dragging the suitcase she’d filled with date-night dresses and lingerie behind her.
With typical caprice, the weather had turned. The sun had gone in and the sky was a glowing off-white. The light, reflecting off the ruffled slate-grey surface of the Serpentine, made the grass look greener than ever.
The park wasn’t as busy as it would have been on a weekend, but there were people around, as always in London. Families were feeding the ducks while trying to dodge the geese. Couples were out walking their dogs. Roller skaters skimmed along the broad, even paths. Renee felt like the only lonely person in the world.
Tears kept rising to her eyes despite herself. She wiped themaway on her sleeve, sick of herself and her stupid feelings. She couldn’t think of that morning without cringing right down to her soul.
Surely she could have foreseen how things would turn out. The signs were all there, in retrospect—Jason’s reluctance to commit, his growing disinterest.
Anyway, wasn’t this always happening to her? Chasing a man’s approval, only to be discarded when it turned out she wasn’t willing to give up enough of herself. Renee had let down pretty much every man in her life in this way, starting with her father.
With one exception. Butthathad been a bigger disaster than all the rest.
Ten years had passed since then. It seemed she hadn’t learnt anything from the experience.
