Page 126 of Captivated
Zeeb: I think we both know that isn’t true.
Nate: Sorry, I forgot you know me. Get to work, man. I wanna see.
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It’s quiet up here now. Just me, the water, the pine trees, and those big old mountains far off. I came back to Mirror Lake today. Figured I’d check in on it, see if it still looked like it did when we went there. It does, mostly. Sky’s the same color, kind of like the inside of a robin’s egg, and the water’s still catching it just right. But something’s missing, and I know what it is.
Him.
Funny how a place can feel full when someone’s with you, and then hollow when they’re not. I’ve been coming up here for years. It was always a place to breathe, to think. But now I know it was waiting for that afternoon with him. The one where we didn’t say much, just swam and listened to the wind working through the trees. That wind’s still here, but it sounds different without him breathing next to me.
I’ve been trying to write this down since he left. I haven’t written ever since my dad … Nope. Not gonna go there. Guess he didn’t understand what it feels like to have something in your chest and no good way to say it. So this is me trying.
Nate had a way about him. Like he saw more than what was in front of him. He noticed things, like how the light hitthe water, or how my hand shook a little when I was trying to draw. I never had anyone look at me the way he did.
I don’t know if this lake means anything to him now that he’s gone. But it means something to me. It’s the place where I realized quiet ain’t always empty. Sometimes it’s full of everything you’re not saying. I sat here today and tried to hear his voice in the trees. All I got was my own heart knocking around too loud.
But he’s where he’s supposed to be, and I ain’t gonna ask him to come back. But if the day ever comes when he finds himself missing the sound of his name being said like it matters…
He knows where I’ll be.
Nate: I don’t know what to say. This…. It’s beautiful.
Zeeb: You know what I think would make it better? If someone—naming no names—could put the words into a painting.
Nate: It’s a possibility. Zeeb? You definitely need to write more.
Zeeb: Because I need the practice? Gotcha.
Nate: No! Because people need to read your words.
Zeeb: You got me blushing. Now go paint something.
July 31
Zeeb: You had therapy today, right?
Nate: Yeah.
Zeeb: Dr. Lacey one of those therapists who make you talk about your “feelings”?
Nate: LOL Every damn session. Today he made me draw them. I ended up sketching the stable. And the cabin.
Zeeb: Hah. The boss would call that classic deflection. He likes big words.
Nate: You saw through that faster than Dr. Lacey did.
Zeeb: That’s cos I pay attention.
Nate: Yeah. You always did.
August 2
Nate: You ever sit in the stable and just… think too hard?
Zeeb: Daily. That place knows things.
Nate: I think I left something in there.
