Page 95 of Trust Again
“That night… it meant everything to me, Dawn. I told you everything. It’s okay if you can’t do the same with me. Really. But I just don’t think I can take it any more.”
“That night meant a lot to me too,” I said, lamely. God, I could have slapped myself silly. There was a wall inside me that stopped me from opening myself to him. And I’d been so close. It wasn’t fair that Nate could still destroy everything with one call. That he could make me ruin everything with Spencer.
“Maybe you were right.”
“About what?” I asked.
He returned my gaze firmly. “About Nate having destroyed you. He pushed you down, but you stayed there. You don’t want to get up.”
“That’s not true!” I said, louder than I intended.
“You’re using me, Dawn!” he retorted just as loudly.
“That’s nonsense!” My words tumbled out. Everything was blurry. “You said you wanted me however I’d let you have me. That it would be okay.”
“I know. But then you…” His voice became gruff. “You stayed with me. That meant something, didn’t it?”
I swallowed. “Yes. But…”
He stopped me. “Yes, but. You always have some excuse to keep things from getting serious, so you can keep your distance. And that’s bullshit.”
“We decided together to keep things casual, Spence. You and I. Don’t act like I forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
He winced. “You can’t seriously be trying to tell me that what’s between us is purely physical, Dawn. We both know there’s more to it. You’re just too much of a coward to admit it.”
“Don’t call me a coward!” I shouted.
“But it’s true, isn’t it? I want you, you want me, it could be so simple. But ‘simple’ doesn’t work with you.”
Spencer tapped his fingers on the box for Olivia. “I wanted to introduce you. But it would be unfair to Olivia to introduce her to someone who won’t be in my life for the long run.”
Blood rushed in my ears. “What do you mean by that?”
He lifted the box and handed it back to me. Dumbstruck, I took it.
“I never had the chance to prove to you that love, real love, is different from what you had. You didn’t let me get close enough. And I don’t have any strength left to convince you. Especially if you’re determined to never leave the past behind you.”
“But I don’t want to lose you,” I said, my voice cracking.
“It’s too late for that,” he replied coolly.
To hell with the gift. I dropped it and gripped the fabric of his shirt. I had to hold on to him, touch him, so he wouldn’t slip away forever. “It’s not. It’s not too late,” I said, desperate.
He shook his head. “In the beginning… you were always saying you couldn’t. Couldn’t be with me, couldn’t care for me. Now I can’t. Do you understand?”
My throat was dry. “What we had was… It was good, just as it was.”
“But it’s not enough for me any more,” he whispered. He didn’t try to push me away but he didn’t touch me, either. He just looked down at me, darkly, sadly.
I uncurled my fingers and touched his cheek. He had to understand that he was more to me than just a means to an end. That he meant something to me.
“Spence…” I whispered.
Something softened in his eyes. And then I kissed him. I pressed my lips urgently against his and let my body speak for me. A moan vibrated in his chest and returned my kiss. He was devastating and fierce. I dug my hands into his damp hair and held him to me, so close, as close as humanly possible. He needed to understand. He just had to.
Spencer grabbed me and lifted me up; I wrapped my legs around him and my back met the wall. It knocked the air out of me, but then he took my lower lip between his teeth, and lava poured through me. He branded me, his tongue met mine and I melted into his body. Spencer’s hands slid under my shirt, and the familiarity of his rough fingers made me whimper. Our kiss tasted like my tears. I clutched at his shoulders and he groaned. His lips were on my neck, and I let my head fall to the side.
“I’m so fucking in love with you,” he said hoarsely.
