Page 81 of Trust Again
“If you hadn’t had a cell phone and had been watching her climb, would you have been able to get to her fast enough to prevent her fall?”
“You don’t get it. Even now, six years later she’s disabled, and everyone thinks she’s mentally disabled because she can’t speak the way she used to and her face is paralyzed. She doesn’t deserve this, Dawn. She deserves a better life. And because of my mistake, she can’t have it.”
I held his face in both hands. “Stop punishing yourself.”
“But it’s my…”
“If you even form the word ‘fault’ in your mouth I will beat you silly.”
He fell silent.
“I know you, Spencer Cosgrove. I know you and that you love your family more than anything. You’d do anything for them. That’s more than enough.”
“But being willing to do anything now doesn’t erase any of the pain my family has had to suffer because of me,” he sighed.
If he’d been telling himself this for the past six years, it would certainly take more than one night of me arguing with him to undo it. I stroked his cheeks with my thumbs and just looked him in the eyes. It was a heavy burden he was carrying around, and the weight was pulling him down. It was a burden he was going to share with me from now on. I’d see to that.
“Did your relationship with your family change after Olivia’s injury?” I asked cautiously.
Spencer blinked. “Yes. One hundred percent.”
“In what way?”
“I didn’t leave Olivia’s side. Even when they tried to throw me out, I refused. One time I even tied myself to her bed with zip ties. My dad looked like he wanted to hit me again but the nurses ignored me after that and I stayed with Livvy day and night. My grades took a nosedive but I didn’t care. I think my mom forgave me. When things were at their worst, that’s when I started painting. Livvy’s therapy inspired me to get serious with art. The way one could communicate with colors was fascinating to me. Sketchbooks were our first step toward connecting. You have to be patient when someone suffers that kind of injury. Livvy was irritable and her emotions would fluctuate a lot. They still do.”
“Is that why you go home so often?”
He nodded. “I’m the only one that really gets her. That’s why my parents bought this house. When I was accepted into Woodshill they wanted to move here, too, but her treatment possibilities are much more limited here than in Portland. My move made Olivia’s condition worse. It was a lot for all of us to get used to. And I’m only here because mom pushed me to study. If it were up to me, I would have stayed with Olivia. Especially because of my dad.”
“What do you mean?”
His gaze became gloomy. “He doesn’t know how to deal with her. If she throws a tantrum, he screams back. He just has no patience. He treats her like she’s a burden. And he talks to her like she’s a baby or a kindergartener. But she understands everything and, from their tone, knows very well when someone is talking down to her. Sometimes it gets to be too much for her. And she has seizures. It’s gotten worse since I moved out. Because I’m no longer there to serve as a buffer to my dad.”
The word buffer made me flinch. The idea made me incredibly angry.
“But she’s feeling better now, isn’t she?”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s true. She’s in high school and wants to go to college after she graduates. But it’s going to be hard. Aphasia is often mistaken for a mental disability. It’ll be this way for the rest of her life. She can’t even order food in a restaurant because she’s afraid to read the menu aloud. But she’s in treatment and giving it everything she has. I’m sure she’ll be able to do anything she wants. It’ll be difficult, but I’ll help her.”
He radiated such confidence that I was speechless for a moment. “How do you do that?”
“Hm?” He looked up at me questioningly.
“You sound so sure… how do you say that with such certainty?”
“I’ve already told you about my life philosophy.” He cracked a wry smile. “Every new day gives me another chance to start fresh and be a good person. Every morning is a new beginning. I haven’t forgotten what I did but I try to live with it and strive to be someone who deserves the love of my family and the time of my friends.” He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. “And the touch of a woman who is much too good for me.”
Something painful rippled through me.
How could he say things like that? How could he assume he wasn’t good enough for his family—or for me—given everything he did?
“Don’t say that.” My voice sounded tight and only now did I realize that tears had sprung into my eyes.
Spencer sat up and looked at me, startled. “Dawn…”
“When I moved here, happiness seemed like a far away dream. It seemed impossible to laugh so hard I’d cry, or dance wildly. Or just feel alive.” I gave him a little punch. Not hard, but just enough so that this stubborn ass would really hear my words. “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. So just stop saying you’re not good enough.”
His shocked expression started to melt away.
