“Not at all,” I replied before realizing what I’d said. Godr didn't miss the meaning, though.
“Oh? So then, what’s got you so flushed?” His tone was teasing, but I stiffened anyway, and his face fell when he noticed my fear. He squatted in front of me, tipping his head. “What’s wrong?”
“I…” I bit my tongue. The last time I talked to someone about my desires, my entire life fell apart. I didn’t want the same to happen with these people. Each day, it felt more and more like home. I didn’t want to lose them.
“You know you can talk to me, Finn. I am not loose lipped.”
I knew that. He’d been kind to me since I started staying with him during the day. He even let me help sometimes. He had another clan member build me a step so I could better reach and taught me to brush the horses’ manes. I liked it, it was relaxing, and it made me feel useful after I’d told him I didn’t like not doing my part.
But this wasn’t about the clan or my place here. I wasn’t comfortable discussing intimacy with anyone. Not even Rath. I was too scared.
“Is it my brother? Let me guess, he snores and you don’t know how to tell him.”
A smile tugged at my lips, and I shook my head quickly. “He does not.”
“No?” Godr pretended to be thoughtful. “He did when we were young. I thought he was a beast from the forest come to steal me from my bed with all that noise.”
Laughing, I tossed a handful of grass at him. “You hush! You did not!”
He nodded solemnly, his face full of mock sorrow. “I did. It was horrible. I was grateful when he got his own tent. But then it was too quiet without him. I could not win.”
My shoulders shook with my silent laughter, and some of the tension eased. Godr was nothing like my brothers. He teased and joked, but he was never cruel about it. And he seemed to care genuinely about Rath’s happiness.
Sitting beside me, Godr bumped my shoulder, raising his eyebrows at me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Biting my lip, I stared at my lap, twisting my fingers anxiously. “It’s not… I shouldn’t discuss it.”
“Is it about the person who attacked you? Are they bothering you again?” he asked more seriously.
I got the feeling he wouldn’t let this go like Rath would. And I didn’t want him mentioning it to Rath. So despite my trepidation, I blurted it out.
“I want to please Rath!” My face flushed bright red, and I ducked my head, refusing to look at him.
“Did he say he was displeased with you?” Godr asked, confused.
I shook my head, but still couldn’t look at him. “N-No. Not like that. I mean, um… I want to please him… in bed…” I barely muttered out the words, so embarrassed, I thought I might burst into flames.
“Oh. Oh!” He chuckled as he finally realized what I meant. “I’m sure you don’t have a problem with that. I’ve heard the talk of the sounds coming from your tent.”
Horrified, I whipped my head up to look at him. “W-What?”
He shrugged. “It is not as though the walls of the tents are thick. Most don’t bother to be quiet. Why hide that we are enjoying ourselves?”
To him, maybe, it was normal to overhear such things, but for me, it was beyond embarrassing. I honestly hadn’t thought about it before now. I wasn’t sure what was worse, knowing people heard us, or knowing it’d happen again. Soon. Rath had a… healthy appetite, and took me as often as he had spare time. Especially since the shadowstalker attack. Like he needed frequent reminders that I was there and safe.
“Why do you think you don’t please him?” Godr asked, distracting me from his horrifying revelation.
I winced. “It’s not… I don’t think he’s unhappy with what we’ve done… I just… I’m… inexperienced. I don’t know how…” I trailed off.
“Ah. I understand now. Have you asked him? I’m sure he would be happy to teach you.”
“I, um… I wanted to surprise him. He’s usually in charge and–” I shrugged. “Nevermind. I shouldn’t be discussing this. I’m sorry. You can go back to your work. I’m fine.”
“No. I can help. After all, I am quite experienced in this area,” he said, waggling his eyebrows and bumping my shoulder. “Do you have questions, or should I just tell you things to try?”
Looking up at him, I felt my chest swell with relief and elation. This wasn’t like last time. He didn’t shame me or makeme feel bad for asking such things. Godr actually wished to help me. I had to work hard not to burst into tears and hug him silly, I was so grateful. I couldn’t have that kind of relationship with my brothers, but Godr was Rath’s brother. If Rath chose to keep me, maybe I could have that relationship with my brother-in-law instead.
Fifteen
