Page 54 of From Angel to Rogue
My fingers clutched the toilet seat in a murderous grip while I heaved my guts, the burning sting of acid and remnants of my dinner and vitamin water washed out of me.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand as I crashed on the floor, too exhausted.
What the fuck was I doing, hiding in a hotel room when everyone was out here living their lives?
Was that what I, Katy Evans, had become? Had been reduced to?
Wasn’t I so much better than that?
Did I do all that I did to end up here, puking my guts out in a nowhere hotel room while I lost everything, the only person I loved more than I loved myself?
The more I sat there with that thought, the more the blurred lines became clearer.
I slowly dragged myself off the floor and washed my mouth twice.
The girl in the mirror staring back at me was tired and sad, but there was fire in her eyes.
Fire that wasn’t there before.
Fire because realization dawned on her.
I finally understood what Lan was trying to say.
He didn’t abandon me.
He didn’t leave me.
Instead, he gave me the freedom to do anything I wanted without having a reason, without having to explain myself. He stepped back before I could derail us to the point of no return.
It wouldn’t take a fool to realize that I was gone.
So far gone that I dug myself into a deep hole, so deep that I was on the brink of completely losing myself.
If I had stayed with him any longer, I would’ve broken his heart more than I already have been doing the past six years.
Because how many times had he asked me out on a date these past six years and I said no?
How many times had he initiated sex and I evaded with an excuse?
How many conversations had he tried to have, and I made myself busy?
All the while, he stayed quiet, patient, and understanding. Only because he loved me or loved the girl who I created.
I let my weakness, my humiliation of not being able to be a complete woman, a woman who couldn’t give him everything, sink me into a destructive path that I created for myself.
Lan did the hardest thing a man in love could ever do—leave the woman he was still in love with, while he waited for her to find herself again.
I could’ve never done that. I would have clung to him and destroyed us both.
My dumb head didn’t even get that. I guess at the end of the day, Lan did know me better than anyone.
Maybe he even saw the real me underneath all that fakeness.
Maybe he saw it all along, even at times when I didn’t.
A different kind of fear shot through my heart.
If I… If I uncovered all the layers, and if maybe, maybe I became the version of myself that I was truly happy with and was truly proud of, would he even like her?
