Page 88 of Yesterday I Cared
"Not what?" Carter finally asks.
"Not leaving," I reply with a bright smile. "That trip to California was never meant to be a precursor of me leaving. It was me tying up some loose ends with who I'm handing the reins to at Operation Fly."
Bryce balks. "Wait, what? You're giving up your organization to come out here and work for us? That's not what we wanted you to do, Ronan."
"Operation Fly is in good hands. I have enough coaches and other team members for it to run without me. I’m still on the board, so there will obviously be times I need to be there for something, but the day-to-day is not my responsibility anymore. It hasn't been for a long time; I just made it official. And then I came home."
Bryce looks to Mia. I don't know what he sees in her features. I keep my gaze locked on him. Whatever he sees, though, must calm him since he turns back to me and holds out the clipboard and stopwatch. "You got a bunch of teenagers to coach. That's what I hired you for."
I reach out and grab everything. I turn to give Mia a quick kiss before I head out onto the deck, needing to make sure everything is in order for today's practice. Just as I'm about to walk out of the lobby, I hear Mia murmur a "Shut up, Clark" and my grin grows.
“What do you want to talk about today?”
Over the last several months, Joy and I have started a lot of sessions this way. Mostly during our sessions when I felt like being stubbornly quiet despite the thoughts and emotions whirling around in my head. She’d ask the question, a gentle prod to get me to open up, but I rarely ever did. Today, though, is going to be different.
“Ronan is staying.”
I’m smiling so big my cheeks hurt. I see the briefest flash of surprise on Joy’s face before she’s smiling with me. She’s not radiating the same elated happiness I am—not that I expect her to, but I can tell she’s happy with the news. Happy about what it means for me going forward. Which is good, because I’m happy, too.
“That’s wonderful news, Mia.” She sets her pen down on her notebook. “I know you’ve had concerns about his ability to settle down and stay in one place. How are you feeling about this announcement?”
“Like I can finally let the past go and focus on my future,” I admit, which earns me a brighter smile. “The whole time he was in California, I was terrified that was it. Something would happen andhe’d decide to stay, even though he kept telling me he was coming back.”
Joy picks her pen up, scratching a quick note across the page. “That makes sense, though. Humans base their fears off experiences. You have had a history of people choosing themselves over you, despite how hard you try and of no fault of your own. Have you talked about these fears with Ronan?”
“We talked about it a lot over the last couple of days,” I tell her. “He promised to be better at giving me the details I need to be assured I’m not getting left, and I promised to work on fearing he won’t come home every time he leaves.”
“Do you know what that sounds like to me, Mia?”
“Healthy communication within a relationship?” This is something Joy and I discussed a lot in the aftermath of Bianca—all the ways she refused to give me that basic necessity of a relationship.
“Yes! Now, talk to me about what this is bringing up for you in regards to your past relationships.”
“Ronan is helping me realize where things fell through with Bianca, like lack of communication,” I explain, picking my words carefully. “I know I wasn’t perfect in my last relationship, and that she probably views me as the villain in her story, but it’s okay to be both the villain and the victim in a relationship. As long as you’re willing to admit that, while you were hurt almost irreparably, you also weren’t perfect.”
“That’s a wise observation.” Joy nods, jotting something down. “I like how you recognize that you can be the bad guy in her variation and still be the victim in yours. You don’t know what she says about your relationship, and there’s no reason for you to know or care if she’s taking any responsibility. The important thing is you’re recognizing the parts that hurt you and the parts you might have slipped up.”
“And I don’t want to make those same mistakes again. I know our lives will not always be perfect. This isn’t some fairy tale or movie—it’s life and we both have baggage. But we want to get better at communication. We’ve already started discussing couples therapy to help us with that. I want to stop thinking everyone is going to leave.”
“I think therapy is a wonderful idea, Mia,” Joy nods encouragingly. “I want to focus on that last bit, though. People leaving. Remind me again who’s left.”
My skin prickles at the shift in topic. “My parents, Bianca, and…”
I can’t think of anyone else, but I know that when she first asked me that question there were four people total, and now, I can only think of three.
She’s smiling knowingly at me. “The first time I asked you that question, you listed some guy you used to know. The absence of that person tells me it was Ronan.”
She’s right, I realize. I used to include Ronan in that last, but I never gave her details or shared how much it hurt. But I guess it doesn’t hurt anymore.
“And you know what that tells me? That even though people sometimes leave, they can come back. Just like Ronan did.”
“I don’t know where I’d be if he didn’t,” I admit.
“You would have been fine, Mia. The dependence of happiness does not rest on him alone. He’s part of your happiness, yes. The same way every other person is and, guess what, those people have left and might come back. Just like Ronan.”
“Josie has never left,” I point out.
“Yes, because Josie is your person. You know I’ve always liked Josie and I’m sure she wouldn’t go even if she was dragged away.”
