Page 54 of Yesterday I Cared
"And you were wearing the same clothes with your makeup from the previous night smeared." Josie points at me. "You never sleep in the shirt you wore all day, and youalwaystake your makeup off.”
Well, fuck. Apparently, there never were any secrets between us. They all knew what I was so upset about and the secret we thought we managed to keep was clocked by everyone but Carter.
Ronan clears his throat. "Well, this has been an enlightening evening so far. Are there any other questions before we stop talking about the past?"
In that moment, I want to hug him. I'm not ready to face every aspect of the past. The last few days have been more than enough for me. It feels almost like my entire viewpoint is shifting, and I don't know what to do.
"Are you two together now?" The question comes from the only person in our little group who hasn't talked much, Katrina.
"No," Ronan and I reply in unison, the unsaidbutlingering in the silence that follows.
"Okay, then," Bryce replies. "What do we want to play first?"
I’m in the kitchen for another drink when Carter comes in. I nod to the bottle of wine I’m opening, and he comes over to me with a nod.
“I’m a little embarrassed to admit I’m apparently the only one who was clueless about you guys hooking up.”
I hand him the full glass, leaning against the counter. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good chat with him and now seems as good as time as any. “Honestly, that makes me feel a little relieved. Maybe we weren’t so obvious.” I take a sip of my wine before remembering my conversation with Kat months ago. “But I do need to tell you that your girlfriend clocked it immediately.”
He groans into his wineglass. “Why would you tell me that? Now I feel really dumb.”
“You had a lot going on back then,” I argue, smiling at him. “You’d just made your first Olympic team, and I didn’t see you much after that night. Not until the next summer when everything went to hell.”
“I was so confused in Indianapolis. First, Josie was pissed at Bryce, then you were pissed at Ronan—I was getting whiplash. Not that both instances weren’t justified. I get it. I don’t blame you for being angry with him.”
“Really?” The surprise is clear in my voice. “You don’t?”
“Not at all.” He sets his glass down on the counter before leaning against it. “When he told us what happened, my initial reaction was anger, too. Anger at him for even putting himself in that situation and anger toward the assholes who said it. It took me a while to realize he was in a different position than I would ever be and that his reaction would be different.
“I mean, yeah, people knew Bryce and Ronan got along, but they never guessed how close they were. When it came to me, Bryce and I were always lumped together. Which makes sense with us being best friends forever and me transferring to his team. Still, it meant no one would attempt to talk about Bryce in front of me. Not the way they would with Ronan.”
“And his reputation probably didn’t stop them from thinking they could,” I point out.
“Exactly,” Carter agrees. “It took me a while to realize he was defending them in the only way he knew how.”
“I can’t believe I never considered it. I was so worried Josie would end up heartbroken that I took everything at face value and went with it. I was so angry for so long and he couldn’t even tell me the truth because I never let him know where the anger came from.”
“He understands,” he assures me. “Ronan…He dealt with the consequences that came from his reputation more than he alluded to. People never took him seriously and people tended to make a spectacle of him instead of being honest. I actually think the way you handled it might have been a relief to him, because you continued to prove you were different.”
But I haven’t been doing that over the last several months. Instead, I’ve been treating him horribly, letting him think that I truly believed the rumors and the stereotypes. I used his reputation to hide my own hurt, to pretend like this man couldn’t touch me when, in reality, he was always one of the few who cut through my own bullshit.
“Forget everything that’s happened since you started at Adair,” Carter says. “I know what you’re thinking, Mia. That was a defense mechanism, and he knows that.”
My gaze drifts toward the living room, where I could hear Ronan’s laugh before settling back on Carter. “But how does he know that?”
“When he retired and everyone was accusing him of doping, you stood by him. You didn’t listen to any of those rumors and never once let your anger cloud your judgment. When every other media outlet turned their back on him, you refused.”
Flushing, I look down at the wineglass in my hand. “That was a joint statement from both Josie and me.”
“You wrote it, though.”
He laughs when I look up at him with wide-eyed surprise. “How do you know that?”
“Come on, Mia, you and Josie have distinct voices. Even back then. Bryce and I knew it came from you, and Ronan did, too.”
A thick lump is forming in my throat, but I swallow against it. I’m determined not to cry in this kitchen because Ronan and Josie will see it the second I join the rest of the group. “I knew he didn’t cheat.”
Carter nods, reaching for his wine, and pushing off the counter. “Like I said, the two of you have always seen each other for who you are. That’s why you’re here. Don’t doubt that.”
