Page 5 of Yesterday I Cared
I had arrived at her small office less than an hour ago, on time for our bi-weekly meeting on marketing for her design and renovation company, Effervescent Renovations. Watching Katrina walk away from the toxic company her stepfather ran and standing up for herself less than a year ago had been truly awe-inspiring. I still use it as a reminder to myself that it’s okay to go after the things I want. While I know she doesn’t necessarily see it, she does have it all—the doting boyfriend, the perfectly healthy relationship, and her dream job.
The last thing I expected, though, was for her to be the one to bring up my past. Especially because she’s the only one who wasn’tinvolved in that past. I know the other three well enough to know they suspect something happened. However, they are all, thankfully, too scared to push me into telling them. Either Kat hasn’t learned that about me yet, or she’s not scared of me.
“All Carter told me is that Ronan is a good guy and that they’ve discussed the concerns you’ve brought up.” She says it casually as she flips through some tile samples. “Although he did tell me he thinks something happened between the two of you, but he’s not sure what. That you and he used to be closer.”
There’s not a lie there. We had been closer once upon a time. Closer than anyone of our friends knew. I know Bryce doesn’t know what happened because he would have told Josie by now. And Carter would have told Bryce. Overall, this group is really horrible at keeping secrets.
And then Ronan ruined it. Ruined it in a way that shouldn’t have been surprising to me, but felt like a personal blow that I’ll never recover from.
Instead of focusing on the part about him and me, I focus on the first part of her statement. “What do you mean, they talked about the concerns I brought up?” She shrugs. “And they still hired him?”
“I don’t know what those concerns are, really,” she admits. “All Carter told me was that anything you might be worried about has been handled. I feel a little like I’m in limbo here and wish someone would give me something to go off of.”
I didn’t want to spread rumors, especially because I’m still not sure they’re true, but Kat has a point. Hiring Ronan could affect her life as well, and she has a right to know. “Back when Josie and I first started the blog, Ronan O’Brien was pretty famous in the swimming world. He was a hell of an athlete, charismatic, and pretty fucking gorgeous. He’s the kind of guy who knows how pretty he is and isn’t afraidto use it to get what he wants.”
Understanding fell over her face. “The most dangerous kind of pretty.”
“Exactly. He was a player and never really seemed to take anything too seriously. He had this air about him that said everything came easy and he didn’t have to put in much work.”
It’s no secret that those are the kind of people I like least of all. That kind of behavior is one of the biggest reasons Bianca and I broke up. There was always something different about Ronan, though. Something I wanted to understand, because it felt like an act. He never let me get close enough to see the real him.
Her eyebrows crawled up her forehead. “And you were friends with him?”
“He was different with us.” I’m not really sure how to explain what I mean to Katrina. “He never acted that way with us, or even around us. It was something we saw from the outside looking in.”
Kat takes the seat across from me, tile samples forgotten as she gets more into the story.
“We all got along pretty well. He and I even spent some time hanging out alone after the 2016 Trials,” I continue, forcing myself not to think back to those memories. They are more dangerous than anything else I’m about to tell her. “The following summer, though, something changed. I overheard Ronan say something to some younger swimmers, and it proved to me he’s exactly the kind of person people always thought he was.”
“Well, what did he say?”
A twisting feeling settles in my gut. I can still hear the way his deep, warm voice curved over each of the ugly words he said that day—the ones I wish would stop haunting me. “It’s not important.” I wave her off. “What is important is what happened next.”
She sits completely enraptured as I finish off my tale—how that meet in 2017 was the last time we ever saw or spoke to Ronan. Howless than a year later, he had refused to take a drug test, and all these doping scandals started surfacing, ruining the reputation he had left. He never denied them or fought against them; all he did was quietly announce his retirement on social media before they could formally pursue any allegations. The retirement post didn’t make a single mention of the drama surrounding him.
By the time I finish, Katrina is staring at me with wide eyes. “Holy shit.”
“Neither Josie nor I ever thought he was doping, not really,” I say. “But when those rumors persist for years and there’s no one around telling you the truth, it becomes kind of hard not to believe them, you know?”
“Do you really think Carter and Bryce would let him come out here if that were true, though?” That’s the question I’ve been wrestling with since Bryce made the announcement, and the reality is, I don’t know. “Or do you think maybe he’s lying to them, and they don’t know the truth?”
“Absolutely not.” Ronan may be a lot of things, but a liar has never been one of them. “I think they know the truth of what happened, but don’t feel like it’s their story to tell. I guess I have to respect that.”
“Then why are you so upset with him?”
I try not to let my frustration show. “Because, whatever happened, Josie and I deserved to know. We were all friends, and we deserved more than to have him fall off the face of the earth.”
“But I thought the two of you weren’t really talking at that point.”
We weren’t, but I still deserved to know. I would have listened if he reached out to me then. “That’s true, but it’s still something we should have known.”
“That makes sense,” she replies. “Can I ask you one more question? It’s pretty personal.”
Worry creeps up my spine, wondering how much more personal we can get. Still, I nod.
“Does Josie know you slept with him?”
“W…What?” How did she possibly guess that? It happened almost ten years ago; how could she possibly know that? “I…I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”
