Page 28 of Yesterday I Cared
Sighing, he turns to face me. “Do you know why Carter and I asked you to come out here?”
“Because you needed another coach so you could handle the business.”
“Yeah, but that’s not the whole reason. We could have hired anyone, but we specifically sought you out, even though we knew we couldn’t afford you.”
This conversation is getting dangerously serious and I’m not about to cry over beers with a kid who has always been like a younger brother to me. “And you knew I’d show up for you guys.”
“Of course, but showing up, and sticking around are two different things.” Fuck, he’s too perceptive for his own good. “Iknow you’ve only been out here for a couple of months, but I’m beginning to worry you don’t see this position in your long-term plans.”
Yup, definitely not going where I want it to go. I reach for the beer with a shrug. He’s tracking my movements. “You know me, Clark. I never stay in one place for too long.”
His frown deepens. “That’s what I’m worried about, O’Brien. Don’t you ever get tired of it? Not having a place to call your own?”
Someone once told me that you don’t realize you’re lonely until you learn you’re alone. For better or worse, coming to Columbia proved that to be true. I’m suddenly on the outskirts of a group of people I’d once been a part of. We’ve all grown, we’ve all changed, but we’re still the same in other ways. Except now I’m on the outside looking in. They found one another again without me because I was too busy running away.
And now I’m here, wanting to bring back what once was. I’m here forming a connection with a young athlete who I could see making it all the way to the Olympics, which is why I never let myself get close to any of the kids in Operation Fly. Yes, I trained them, but I wasn’t their only coach. I was, once again, on the outside.
Bryce considers his words before saying, “I said something to you a long time ago, and it stuck with me. It’s always been replaying in the back of my mind, and I want to say it to you again. I want you to hear me, really hear me, like you did before.”
A long time ago…Shit, there were a lot of things he said to me back then that he could be bringing up now. And most of them are things I don’t know if I’m in the mental position to hear again, even if I should. Maybe especially if I should.
I default to humor, like I always do.
“Quoting yourself and bragging about it? Damn, Clark, maybe you should have been the one with the asshole label.” The look on his face says it all. I let out a sigh. “All right, lay it on me.”
“Don’t get so caught up in your own shit that you miss when life gives you another chance.”
That was the one I didn’t want to hear. Those words back then…they meant something different than they do now. They meant the difference between giving up on myself and pushing harder. They were said to me when he was one of the few people who were there for me, in the darkest moment of my life. When my parents didn’t even have the decency to show up or check in on me. That sentence got me to where I am today.
And now he’s giving it back to me again.
“It’s not the same,” I insist. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes against my will. I’ve cried in front of Bryce more times than I can ever count, but right now, it’s the last thing I want to be doing. “Back then, it was different.”
“Is it that different, though? Come on, Ronan, you’re running from your fears, just like you were back then.” I angrily wipe at the corner of my eye. “I’m not trying to make you upset, dude, but Carter and I wanted you here because we know what you can do. You were our team captain in 2016 and in other international meets. You have this magnetic personality that motivates people and makes them see what they’re capable of. I don’t understand why you don’t see it for yourself.”
It’s frightening when someone sees everything you wish you could see in yourself. It’s unnerving when they call it out and try to prove you deserve more, or at the very least, deserve to give yourself a break. That’s something I’ve never been good at: giving myself a break. If I wasn’t swimming perfectly, I was hard on myself. If I wasn’t swimming perfectly, it meant I was a disappointment to my family. I didn’t let myself get close or be real with anyone out of fear of ruining my career.
Until I met Josie and Mia and got closer to Bryce and Carter, that is. They were the first group of people who proved to me I can let people in without it being a distraction. Without it negatively impacting my career. I stopped caring about being the perfect athlete my parents wanted. I let myself love the sport again, only to have it taken from me.
“Have you…” Bryce clears his throat. “Have you told Mia anything?”
“She just found out about Operation Fly, man.” The thought of telling her about this cloud lingering over my head—the seconds that changed everything—makes my palms sweat. The urge to run clouds my mind. “I don’t want her to pity me.”
“Mia Sheridan has never pitied someone a day in her life, not the way you’re scared of. Just…consider it. Consider telling her. Consider sticking this out. Consider seeing what this chance holds.” Bryce pauses before adding, “But if you do decide to take off, at least give me some warning, yeah?”
“Yeah, I will,” I promise. It’s the least I can do, especially when I’m not ready to face the other things. When I don’t know if I can promise him I’ll stick this out.
Silence settles once more. I stare down at the unopened beer in my hand, knowing I’ll regret it if I drink it, and set it back down on the table. I reach for the remote instead. “There has to be some kind of sport on TV, man.”
With a laugh, Bryce settles back in his seat. “When I left, a riveting game of shuffleboard was starting.”
I snort and scroll through the channels in the hopes of finding something better. “They’ll televise that, but not a non-Olympic swim meet. I see how it is.”
“Stop fighting the media, Ronan.”
“Never.” I settle on a baseball game and silence falls again.
“Are you coming over for dinner tonight?” I glance up at Bryce and he lets out a long sigh. “We’re having everyone over. Josie sent out a text.”
