Page 15 of Yesterday I Cared
The impact of my words is instantaneous. I can feel the way everything shifts, watch as Ronan seems to collapse in on himself. All the tension he was holding—all the bravado he seems to exude at all times—just vanishes. He blinks at me, stunned by my bluntness. And I feel a little sick.
I’ve never seen him look so small.
“I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what changed between us, but this…” He trails off in a low voice. “How long are you going to stay mad at the past, Mia?”
“I’m not mad at the past.” The bag of chips crinkle beneath my grip. “I refuse to let it affect my future.”
There’s literally nothing else to say. I can hear footsteps coming up the stairs. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, the weight of our words pushing them closer and closer. I take a step back, ready to retreat back to my office. Ronan reaches for me, but his hand stops mid-air as he realizes what he’s doing, then it drops.
And I know that whatever little shred of hope still hung between us is gone now. There’s no coming back from the things I said. Just like there’s no coming back from what he said. The past is going to define us; it’s going to shape and influence everything that comesnext. It will serve as a reminder that our words and actions have consequences, and we’ll have to face those consequences one way or another. Even if it’s eight years down the line.
The door to the stairwell swings open, pulling Ronan’s gaze from me. In that brief moment of distraction, I do what every sensible woman would do in my position. I run.
I seek solace in my office; the door swinging closed behind me. I listen as Ronan chats with Bryce about some game that was on TV the night before, our friend clueless about what just happened. I used to want to hurt him the way he hurt me all those years ago, but seeing it unfold in real time made my stomach twist. Why did he have to make things happen this way?
We could have been happy. We had a chance to have everything, and he took it from us.
And I definitely never fought for it.
Mia’s words haunt me for days.
Every time I shut my eyes, memories flash through my mind. Good memories, great even. Only…now they’re tainted with the truth I’ve learned. She regrets everything. She wishes it never happened. And I don’t know what to do with that information.
Sure, she’s not the first one to say those words to me. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, leaned a little too heavily into the playboy reputation swimming and media branded me with. I’ve had women scream at me in public, drinks thrown in my face, and unfortunately, even received a slap or two. They were all well-deserved reactions, but still.
None of those reactions mattered, though. They were reminders of what I was doing to myself, and of how I was filling my life with things I’d regret. Ultimately, they were fleeting moments in my life. Moments I wouldn’t dwell on too long. I thought I would finally let go of them once the world seemed to understand I’d grown up. Except that never happened. I was never given the chance to be honest about who I am with anyone. Except Mia.
And that’s why it hurt so badly. Because this one—thisone matters.
For the first time in years, I had tried to build something with someone. I was dedicated to learning everything I possibly could about Mia Sheridan. To make her feel seen and heard. I wanted to get to know her on a level deeper than just the mutual attraction already there.
There has been something about her from the moment I caught her in my arms in Charlotte.
I slipped into the reputation I was known for with ease, but Mia never bought into it. No matter how flustered I made her—no matter how hard Josie was trying not to freak out—she just pulled herself together. She wasn’t flustered for a minute; she went right to business and introduced them as the owners ofAdair Swimming, the blog this club is named after. Even when I surprised her, she never broke her composure. It was one of the first things I learned to admire about Mia.
I was hesitant to push for anything more with Mia. I knew back then what I did to women, and I didn’t want to put her through the same heartache. She deserved someone better—still does. When she pulled herself into my lap that night, every warning bell was blaring in my head, telling me to run before I fucked up one of the few good things in my life. But then I set my hands on her hips, and she was leaning in until our lips were barely touching. She brushed her long, silky dark hair to the side as she asked me to kiss her.
I was unable to resist.
I checked in so many times. She was the one who kept pulling me back in for more. More I was happy to give, but the fear was there. The very real possibility I would hurt this woman. We should have talked about it more that morning, but she was gone early. Woke me up long enough to let me walk her back to her room, hoping Josie wouldn’t be too worried.
I kissed her goodbye at that door and held onto the fleeting feeling ofalmostfor a whole year. A year I spent building something real. I thought we were doing it together, but I was very, very wrong.
When we met in Indianapolis the following summer, everything felt great. I had plans to see if she wanted to be something more, take it to an official level, and then it all came to a screeching halt. She went from being this bright light in my life to nothing but a cold shoulder. She wouldn’t even look at me.
When I’d asked Josie if she knew what was going on, the way she joked about the reputation I had back then cut me deep. I’d put on a brave face, met her joke with one of my own, but I watched the way her smile faltered—she saw right through me. I spent weeks combing through messages, replaying every moment over, trying to figure out where I screwed it up; because it had to be something I did.
After a week’s worth of text messages went unanswered, I finally took the hint and let her go.
Now she’s throwing everything back in my face—proving my worst fear. Proving that it never meant anything to her.
When Bryce and Carter originally approached me about this position, I was hesitant because they mentioned Mia doing their media. It had nothing to do with me not wanting to see her. Over the last few years, whenever I let my mind wander, it always found her. Of course, I wanted to see her and what her life was like, but I respected her too much to force her to confront me and our past. It took a lot of convincing from the two Olympians and a quick glance at Mia in Paris for my resolve to crumble.
Whatever second chance I was hoping for clearly isn’t on the table.
And that’s fine, because we’re two different people now. Who knows, we might not even be compatible anymore.
If I could only believe my own lie.
