Page 1 of Yesterday I Cared
“I think it’s time you consider putting yourself back out there. Try finding someone you want to form a relationship with.”
I stare at the woman across from me with a blank expression, waiting for her to crack and start laughing. Because I know she can’t be serious right now. We had spent almost an hour talking about all the reasons I should avoid a relationship. Now she’s telling me to get back on the horse. The very broken horse with a horrible sense of direction.
She holds my gaze, but I refuse to be the first one who breaks. We only have ten minutes left; I can sit here in awkward silence for that long. I don’t need to use every moment offered to me in therapy. I don’t need to dredge up a topic I don’t want to talk about.
Nine minutes left.
Joy shifts in her seat, arching a brow at me. I’m not giving into whatever challenge shethinkswe’re having though.
Eight minutes.
Joy breaks with a sigh. “Mia, there is nothing wrong with being afraid to put yourself out there.”
There’s not really a good way to tell her how wrong she is without being rude. Being the center of attention has never been my problem,not in the way she seems to think. No, the issue isn’t putting myself out there; it’s what I’m supposed to do when it inevitably blows up in my face. Because itwillblow up in my face and probably take a couple of other people down with me.
I have a knack for picking the absolute worst person to want to be with. They never want to stick around once life gets messy. Actually, scratch that. They get bored when my life gets too normal, and they want to help me blow it back up without caring about the wreckage they leave behind. I’m attracted to people who live for drama.
“You’ve been in Columbia for months; you’ve established yourself within your new community; you are surrounded by people who are in happy relationships,” she continues. “You’ve said you want that for yourself one day.”
“Of course I want it. Everyone wants it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to get it, though.” We still have six minutes left, and I know it’s about to be the longest six minutes of my life. “As my therapist, aren’t you the one who’s supposed to remind me we don’t alwaysget what we want?”
“Of course we don’t, but I can also promise you that you’ll never get something if you don’t go after it.”
Therapy had been Josie’s idea, reminding me of how much it had helped when I was younger. Plus, all my friends are regularly going, and I’ve seen firsthand how good it is to have a healthy outlet. They’re basically peer pressuring me to better myself—it’s kind of ridiculous.
“We’ve spent many sessions talking about your fear of being stuck in the same place while everyone around you moves on.” Joy isn’t ready to let this go, apparently. “This is a way to help you conquer that fear. By putting yourself out there, attempting to find a new relationship, you’re pushing yourself forward. Sometimes we only need a push.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of getting a goldfish.” The unimpressed look she gives me only makes me groan. “Dating is exhausting. No one meets each other organically anymore. It’s all through apps, and the apps are going to drive me nuts, Joy. Especially as a fat, queer person.”
“But it’s better than the alternative. Look, Mia, no one likes doing this because it opens us to the possibility of getting hurt. As humans, we do what we can to avoid feeling pain, but pain is a part of life. You shouldn’t allow yourself to miss out on something wonderful because of fear.”
I cross my arms over my chest as I allow my body to sink deeper into the couch. Why can’t it swallow me whole? “You sound like my best friend.”
Her eyes flicker with amusement. “Well, you already know I think Josie is a great friend. If you don’t want to listen to me, maybe try listening to her.”
I don’t need my therapist to tell me how great Josie is; there’s a reason we’ve been best friends for over a decade. My life would be in shambles without her, more than it already is. She’s my person. No one sees me the way she does.
“Start slow,” Joy advises. “Maybe try taking yourself on a date first or go on a double-date with Josie and Bryce so you have someone to lean on.”
So I can have an audience for my failing love life and give the front-row seat to Bryce Clark? No way in hell.
The alarm on Joy’s phone buzzes, signaling the end of our time. I shouldn’t be surprised the longest ten minutes of my life come to an abrupt close right as I’m about to have some kind of lonely-single-woman breakthrough. At least this means I have two whole weeks to pack all these feelings back into their box.
I stand and gather my stuff. The end of a therapy session is always the most awkward for me, especially when there’s nothing else to say. I know Joy will tell me we’ll pick back up here next time, and I know I’ll do everything I can between now and then to avoid that happening.
“We’ll pick back up here next time.” Called it. “I look forward to hearing your progress.”
I freeze a couple of steps away from the door and turn to look at her with a frown. “Is this homework?”
I hate when she gives me homework. Last time she did, I had to call my mother.
Smiling slightly, she shakes her head. “Not officially. If you have an update in two weeks, great. If not, we’ll continue to work through this together. See you next time, Mia.”
With the final dismissal, I exit the room and head toward the front door, waving to the receptionist as I go. The entire session plays through my mind while I walk across the small parking lot to my car. Once I get there, I slide behind the wheel; the door rattling shut behind me. I stare straight ahead at nothing.
Dating terrifies me. Bianca was one of the few people I ever had a real relationship with, and I was naïve enough to think she could be the one. Until it ended and her mere presence was enough of a threat to my marketing career that I had to move to a different state. I learned two things in that relationship: don’t date rich people who have everything handed to them, and don’t date someone in the same field as you.
Thank god for Bryce Clark, Carter Abrams, and Adair Swimming. I now work for my best friend’s boyfriend and our mutual friend, doing marketing for their swim club while also balancing some freelance clients. It’s been great. I feel like I have control ofmy future again, and now my therapist wants me to go out and find love? Why the hell should I do that?
