Page 54 of The Loneliest Number
“I don’t think we ever got round to fucking on the couch. Or the table,” I continue, the smirk a permanent feature on my face.
“No, we didn’t,” she agrees, but other than the smile, she gives nothing else away.
“So what do you say? Wanna join me for my final night there? Can I get you all to myself now Saff has gone?”
Her teeth worry at her bottom lip for a moment. “Will there be potato-based rewards if I do?”
My laughter spills out. “You can’t still be hungry after that meal,” I exclaim.
Her expression morphs into something serious. “Cam.” Her tone is admonishing. “There’s always room for potatoes. Notsure I have energy left for the fucking, but I have room for the tatties.” The impish grin is back, and my chest expands with joy at her using the Scottish term. I must be rubbing off on her.
“Let’s go,” I say as I drag her out of the terminal. “We’ll get a cab back. It should be quicker.”
“Stay with me.” My tone is pleading. We are sitting at the table in my hotel room, a tray of picked over food in front of us where she’s perched on my lap, but as soon as she’d had her fill of food, and I guess dick, she started squirming. “I’m going to get a complex if you keep leaving as soon as you’ve had your wicked way with me and the potatoes.”
She huffs, pushing against my arms that wrapped tightly around her when she made her move to leave. “Come on, Cam, let me go.” Her voice doesn’t request. It orders. She’s a fierce little pixie. I release my hold so she can stand, and I let loose a sigh of relief when she doesn’t go far. She turns to face me, laying her palm against my cheek. “What’s made you so needy?” Her head tilts to the side like she’s trying to solve a mystery.
“I thought you were going to spend the night. You’ll stay?” I ask, eyebrows raised to match the hopeful expression plastered on my face.
She purses her lips, still holding my cheek in her palm. I shift to rub my stubble against her hand, relishing her touch.
“I’ll stay. But only because it’s your last night here. Don’t be getting any ideas.” Her tone is brusque, at odds with her soft touch, and her gaze steadfastly avoids mine.
I don’t even care that I’m practically begging her to stay. I’m not ready for her to leave yet after spending the whole day with her. And I’m still a little sad that Saff is back on her way to Glasgow.
“I’m gonna go wash up and then curl up in that ginormous bed. What do you say?” she asks, her eyes finally meeting mine.
“Aye. Thank you. It’s been quite the day. I don’t think I’m ready to be alone yet.” I pour my honesty out, hoping that it will bring her closer rather than scare her away. I draw in a deep breath as she watches me closely. She says nothing but pats my shoulder and gives a nod before heading to the bathroom.
A short while later, she’s tucked under my arm, her head resting on my chest as we recline in the giant bed.Has anything ever felt so right?
“Are you sad about Saff?” Her question is quiet as she swirls circles on my chest with her hand.
I sigh, trying to make sense of everything that happened this weekend. “I feel bad I wasn’t there for my friend when she needed the support. I’m sad she had to go through that shitty experience and it’s knocked her confidence.”
“If you want more with her, Cam, I don’t think it’s too late.” Her words tumble out fast with a touch of vulnerability to them. “She’d be crazy to turn you down.” Shock reverberates through my chest.
“What? I don’t. I love her as a friend. I’ve enjoyed playing with her. But I don’t think either of us should settle when we both deserve more.”Has she been pulling back because she thought Saff and I were end-game?Hope trickles in now I can convince her otherwise.
“What do you mean, more?” Abby asks, gazing up at me.
“I don’t think I love her in that fully passionate way that she needs. I’m certain it’s the same for her, too. She wants true love. I think the love her and I share is more like a friendship love than some amazing love story.”
“Yeah, but all that nonsense about soul mates and one person for us is bullshit, right?” she asks, her gaze riveted on mine. “That’s why we all do the non-monogamy thing, isn’t it?”
I stare into her silver-green eyes, debating how much to say. I want to tell her that since I found her again, she’s become my anchor. Yes, we’ve played with others but I have no interest in playing with anyone if she’s not there. If I couldn’t see her for a while, it would just be me and my hand for company, along with every memory of the time I’ve spent with her. I want to tell her that if there is such a thing as soul mates, then surely the fact that we stumbled into each other in the street outside The Juniper is more than a coincidence. It must all be linked somehow, right?
But I don’t think she’s quite ready to believe it. So instead, I answer her question with another one. “What got you started with non-monogamy? I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that.”
She blinks, her circling movements resuming on my chest while she contemplates her answer. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a conventional relationship. Nothing long-term. Nothing that could be considered monogamy. I don’t think I’m built that way. It’s just not in my instincts to team up with one person, depend solely on them for what I need, and forsake all others.” Her lips twist inward as a frown pinches her brows together. “It sounds like a trap. I can’t imagine being anything other than independent. If I’m going to rely on one person for my emotional, mental, and sexual wellbeing, it’s going to be myself.” A few months ago, I would have agreed with her. But now I want to find a way to prove to her that we can work. “What about you?” she says with fire sparking in her gaze.
“I had a couple of girlfriends as a teenager, and then in my early twenties, I experimented a bit more and realised I was attracted to guys as well. Since then, I’ve had more fun playing. I had a steady relationship that came to an end in my mid-twenties, but it didn’t even last a year. I’ve been so focused on my career that I didn’t make enough time to have a relationship. I lether down.” I wait for the familiar pain in my chest, but it doesn’t come. “After that, I decided to keep sex as a fun thing on the side rather than anything serious. Saff and I would always end up getting together when we were both single.” I huff out a laugh. “That started because she wanted to go to a play party and she thought I was the most game of all her friends and asked me to go with her. We don’t tend to do stuff just the two of us. There’s usually other people involved, or at least watching.”
“Why do you think she wants something different now?” Abby asks, sounding baffled, as if she can’t quite believe that anyone would want to choose monogamy once they’d tried anything else.
“She has been in monogamous relationships in the past. It was only ever when she was single that we played. She had a shitty experience with a couple after I left and they’ve got a lot to answer for. They took away the playfulness for her and made it something mean.” I grit my teeth, anger rising in my chest as I remember how devastated she’d been when she told me. Abby’s hand taps my chest gently as if she’s trying to soothe me.
“I know. People like that shouldn’t play with others. They should be lonely and sad. I hope she does find what she’s looking for, even if I struggle to get my head around it.” I bend down to press my lips to her forehead and savour the feel of her here with me because who knows how long it will last.
