Page 6 of Feral Creed
It’s quiet.
I start pacing again. “I think once you’ve got an association with it, it’s locked in.”
“It’s not the same thing,” says Arrow. “Being homosexual is something internal, not something you associate.”
“We really don’t know,” I say.
“Oh, God, are we still doing this weird homophobia thing with you?” says Arrow. “You know, I didn’t know I was attracted to men either, but it’s been this way ever since we saw each other in the facility. Really, the way it feels to me is that, like, when that side of me woke up, the one with the memories, I remember being straight, but now I’m bi. The straight part feels like the weird part to me.”
“Agreed,” says Striker, “although I was just kind of all around repressed back then. I thought I was asexual.” He laughs quietly.
“It’s not a homophobia thing,” I say, still pacing. “I’m totally accepting of my own bisexuality, I swear, it’s fine. I’m just saying, we don’t know why people are homosexual. It’s not really natural.”
“Oh, myGod,” says Arrow, laughing in disbelief.
“No, I’m not saying it like that.” I stop pacing to glare at him. “It’s very natural for animals of all kinds to engage in homosexual behavior. Every species does it. But it’s weird to specialize. Like, most creatures are bisexual. Or, uh, opportunistic, I guess.” I shake my head and start pacing again. “This doesn’t matter. We’re getting off topic.”
“Maybe we should get back on topic so that you can stop being a bigoted dick,” says Arrow.
“I’m not being bigoted,” I say. “Whatever it is that humans do with sex, we do it in this differentwaythan animals do.”
“Okay,” says Lotus. “So, then maybe rat studies are not the best place to be getting information on how to handle this.”
She’s right. I groan, hanging my head, still pacing.
“Here’s what I think,” says Striker. “I think there are two components here. An instinctive one and something else, something learned or associated or whatever. That part, we could alter, but the instinctive part we can’t.”
“Sure,” says Lotus. “So, you guys aren’t instinctively trying to kill me.”
“No,” says Striker, “which is why we haven’t.”
“And you won’t,” says Lotus. “If I could just… believe that. I don’t know why I’m worried—”
“We’re all worried,” says Striker. “We don’t want to risk you, Lotus. You’re our omega.”
I’m still pacing. “The violent part is instinctive for me,” I say. I used to be a mafia hitman. I’ve always liked killing things. I’ve always been good at it. I self-diagnosed myself as fitting apsychopath profile when I was a teenager, but I’ve never told anyone that.
When I figured it out, at first I felt really relieved and a little bit smug, like I was hot shit and really superior to everyone else. It was like, for the first time, I made sense.
But later, thinking about it just made me sad.
It was like I didn’t actually want to be superior to everyone, because the thing about being superior is that it’s the same as being inferior. It means you’re different, “other,” and you don’t belong. And, uh, I knew I was never going to belong, but some part of me still kind of wanted to.
Not so much that I would not be what I was, but…
Anyway. I don’t like to think about that.
And it’s different now, different now that I’m in this pack, because, well, I do belong, and, uh, it’s nice.
“Is the violence instinctive for you, really, though?” says Lotus. “Because of the three of you, Knight, you’re the one who seems the most sure you won’t kill me.”
I stop pacing and look at her and then at Striker and Arrow. She’s right. They seem warier than I do. I draw in a breath, folding my arms over my chest.
“Are you not sure?” she says. “Are you just pretending to be sure?”
“No, I’m sure,” I say. “I guess it’s because, um, something about the way I feel about you overrides that other part of me. It’s an instinct, and it’s strong, but my alpha instincts are stronger, and they won’t let me hurt you.”
“Well, that’s probably true for all of you, then,” says Lotus, looking to Striker.
