Page 131 of Play With Me
I sound unhinged.
“I’ll be fine,” I say. Then I rise up on my toes and kiss his cheek. I’m clutching Gunther’s shoulders, but I’m looking into the hotel, to the room next to the empty one that was mine. I look to the man inside, who maybe I’ll one day get over, but who’ll hold the biggest piece of my heart till the day I die, when I say the word, “Goodbye.”
I text Farrah from the train, telling her what’s going on and asking her to tell Cap so he won’t be too upset. This is the part I know is not ideal, but I can’t hang around the hotel with Jude right there beside me. I’ll be too liable to slip, to tell him I’ll take him anyway he wants. And I won’t do that anymore. Besides, the three of them need some time on their own, to see how it fits.
Farrah responds in only a minute. They must be at the inn.
FARRAH: Don’t worry, I will tell Cap. We will call you when we are back. Please let me know if you need anything at all.
She’s a good person. I wonder, briefly, if Jude had gotten his shit together back then if he might have entertained a relationship with her?
It’s neither here nor there.
I have a few hours before I arrive back in London—enough time to write up a rough draft of myLove and Losssubmission proposal. By the time I get home, I’ll have just enough time to polish it off and get it in by the 11:59 p.m. deadline.
CHAPTER32
Jude
“Most of all, I’m thankful that every single one of my children managed to come home for Christmas this year, I—”
Dad swallows, holding a finger up.
Eli leans into me, rolling his eyes. “The old guy’s gonna cry again.”
It sounds heartless, but I can see the way my brother grips his fiancée’s hand on the table and looks up, blinking slightly, that he’s affected too. The guy is just as emotional as Dad these days, straight-up tearing up when he talks about their wedding coming up this summer.
Dad goes on with his epic toast, but his words fade out of focus. Everything’s been out of focus since Cap and I got back stateside three weeks ago.
Eli’s twin, Cass, on my other side past Cap, kicks my foot under the table, and I look up. “Yeah?”
“We’re waiting on you, son,” Dad says.
“Something you’re thankful for,” Chelsea says, bobbing her one-year-old, Kev, on her knee as he gurgles.
My stomach twists. “Didn’t we just do this at Thanksgiving?”
Dad looks personally wounded, and guilt washes over me like it does every other minute these days.
At least Coach is blissfully absent. He’s been gone ever since I told Nora about him.
“Jude,” Cass says. “You’re the one who came up with this tradition!”
“Yeah, since when do you not have something to be thankful for?” Eli asks.
I look down at my son, who looks stricken.
I wrap my arm around his head. “I’m grateful for Cap. My one and only guy. My best friend.”
My stomach twists, and Griff gives me the strangest look.
But Cap squeezes me around the ribs and Dad moves on to Chelsea, last on the list by age.
“Dad, you have to have a sip,” Cap reminds me when everyone’s lifting up their glasses.
“Right,” I say, holding up my glass of water. It’s been like this ever since we got home. I can’t remember how to fucking function.
After the cheers, I pull my phone out of my pocket for the five hundredth time. I texted Nora this morning. In the middle of the night, actually, when I knew she’d just be waking up.
