Page 75 of Level With Me
“No, we don’t.”
I realized she likely only had suspicions, and I’d just confirmed them.
Lila took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring.
I considered giving her the denial she’d been waiting for. But I couldn’t lie to Lila. She knew me too well. I looked her in the eye. “Lila, I’m human, okay? I have… urges.”
“Is that what it is? Urges?”
I’d been trying to downplay it, but now that she said it, it sounded cheap. But if I could convince Lila that’s all it was, we’d all be better off. Including me.
“It’s probably amplified because I can’t have her,” I said.
I knew I was lying to myself. Still, Lila looked relieved.
“I’m not going to be seeing her for the rest of the week anyway.” I picked up the towel I’d left out here earlier. “I’m doing the rec stuff with Jude.” I’d planned on doing more touring with Cassandra this week, but it wasn’t necessary for her to accompany me. I could ask Jude to do it.
Some space would probably do us good after today.
Maybe it would be best if we didn’t see each other again at all.
That was impossible given our professional relationship, but maybe I could find a way.
You’re being a chickenshit.
“Fine,” Lila said. “Just… think very carefully about what you do. A lot of us depend on that.”
Guilt plunged through me.
I looked up to avoid looking at her face. I’d already betrayed Lila’s trust. But I’d do more damage if I let my feelings dictate my actions.
The sky overhead was a patchwork of white and blue now. The sunset from up at the resort would be stunning. Would Cassandra be watching it?
“I’ll figure it out, okay, Lila?” I said. “Don’t worry about me.”
Then I strode back into my lonely little house where I could sulk in peace.
17
CASSANDRA
I strodeinto the office with my own coffee on Tuesday morning. If how yesterday had ended was any indication, I suspected my days of Blake sweetly bringing me coffee were over.
And I was right. Lila let me know when she came in that they’d shuffled the recreation schedule of the review around, and Blake was going to be with Jude for the rest of the week.
“Okay, that’s great,” I said, smiling. She studied me for a moment, but I’d left her and gone into my office, closing the door behind me.
But even though I spent that day and the next busy with catch-up, I couldn’t help my eyes from going to the empty chair in my office, feeling like I was missing a limb.
Even after the sticky way it had ended.
I kept replaying our day together; all the things we’d done.
And how he’d given me the answer I’d pushed for. That he didn’t want a relationship at all. Not with me, not with anyone.I’m not the marrying type.
But I still couldn’t help the old pain that festered; the self-doubt. Did he mean that? Or was it just me?
And why did I care? It’s not like I wanted him to marry me.
