“Abdicating?” she probes.
“Yeah.” My tongue is thick in my mouth as I try to figure out a way to explain. The weight of failure that I associate with it presses painfully down upon my shoulders.
“Like forfeiting your position as prince of Penwick?”
“Pretty much. But I don’t know if I’m brave enough.”
“You are,” she says without hesitation. “How long have you been thinking about this?”
“Years, I think,” I admit. “My whole life maybe. Even before I knew there was a word for it or that it was an option. But I’ve been looking into it more recently. Since I’m only twenty-eight, I could give my mom and the palace some forewarning so they could get things arranged for succession. I’d like to still work for Penwick, behind the scenes, but not as the king.”
“Have you told anyone?” Rose asks.
I shake my head. “Not yet. Does that make me cowardly?”
“Not at all. It’s a big decision.”
“It is.”
“You want to talk me through it? Or not. Either way.”
I blow out a breath, grateful for the space she’s holding for me. “I’ve always felt suffocated in Penwick. Getting out and cominghere was the best thing I’ve ever done. I love my life and getting to play the sport I love. I think I can make a difference here. I know I could make a difference in Penwick too, but not on my own terms. Everything is dictated to me, and I’m expected to fall in line. I don’t love my life as a prince. That’s what it comes down to.”
Rose chews on her lip. “It seems like you’ve made your decision.”
“Yes and no. I can’t help but think I’m acting selfishly. I’m not someone who walks away when there’s a job to do. But I’m already a miserable prince. I’d be an even more unhappy king. I’m sure of it. So, I don’t know what to do.”
Rose blows out a breath. “You’re not selfish, Anton. You are the least selfish person I know. Maybe it’ll be difficult for some people to swallow the change in their expectations, but you’ve been forging your own path for as long as I’ve known you. I admire that about you. You know who you are and what you want. I wish I could say the same.”
“Hey now.” I’m not about to let her diss herself.
She spins in my arms and puts a hand against my lips to silence my protest. “I know. I know. I’m working on it, okay?”
I blow out a breath and nod.
“It’s not easy to push against expectations, but if you do that here, you’d be doing it not in an unappreciative or untasteful way, but with integrity and your focus on the greater good.”
I nod slowly. “Truthfully, Duke would make a better king than I would.”
Rose freezes and cocks her head to the side. “Duke? Really?”
“He loves our country. He’s a better fit that I am.”
Rose looks thoughtful, and we lapse into silence. She rests her head against my shoulder and wraps her arms around my waist. It’s a simple hug but incredibly intimate. I feel safe in her arms. It’s a gift.
“You don’t think I’m crazy?” I say after a couple minutes. “Wanting to give it all away? To stay here in the States?”
“I don’t think you’re crazy. Your mom might,” she adds ruefully. “You should talk to her about all of this. You may as well get out in front of it.”
“I know.” I sigh. “I’m dreading it.”
“Don’t blame you there.”
“She’ll consider me a blight on her good name and her legacy. If I go through with this, I will be the single greatest letdown of her life. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
Rose cups my face in her hands, her eyes flashing blue flames. “You are anything but a letdown, and if your mom makes you feel that way, then that’s her issue, not yours.”
I close my eyes. “Thanks for letting me unload all that on you…off the record.”
