“Here’s the thing, Collin. The right woman will want to be married to you no matter your career. And you won’t treat a woman like your dad treats your mom. Because you aren’t your dad.”
“You can’t know that I won’t become him.”
“Yes, I can. I know you, Collin. I’ve known you on the job for almost a year. And I’ve gotten to know you personally, and what I see is not someone who is going to let himself be authoritarian in a relationship or with a family of his own. You’re kind and self-aware, and you notice things about other people and then work to make their lives better. You do it on the job. You’ve done it with me.”
I tear my gaze away from her because I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation right now. I can’t believe she’s making the argument she’s making. I’m overwhelmed to find out that Noli, of all people, thinks this highly of me. It’s too much.
“Look at me.” Her tone brooks no argument.
I shift my gaze down to meet hers again.
She looks more determined than I’ve ever seen her. “Our actions are our choice, Collin. Love itself is a choice. So is hate. So is everything in between. It’s one thing not to want to get marriedout of preference or whatever, but it’s a whole other thing not to let yourself love someone or enter into a partnership with someone because you’re afraid. I’ve known you for almost a year now. I never pegged you as a coward.”
My mouth opens on a slight gasp.
Before I can say anything, Noli narrows her gaze at me. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you haven’t made up your mind about love out of fear.”
I chew my lip again because I can’t tell her that. She’s right. She’s absolutely right.
“It’s scary, though,” I admit, my whisper getting caught on the wind and blowing down into the cove below.
For a second, I think Noli didn’t hear me.
“Living is scary,” she says after a pause. “Opening yourself up to getting hurt? It’s terrifying. But what’s the alternative?”
She looks away at that.
I remove one of my arms from around her back and use my fingers to tip her chin, bringing her gaze back to mine.
“What is it?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I’m a hypocrite.” She chuckles, but it’s humorless. “Because I can talk a big game, and it’s so easy for me to tell this to you, because I can see it for you, you know? You’re so good. You’ve got so much going for you. You’d make an amazing husband and a really good dad. But it’s not that easy for me. I’ve got too much baggage with my own parents. With Nelson. So I don’t think marriage is in the cards for me. Ever. Except for what we’re doing here,” she adds.
I frown. “How is that fair? If I can make a choice, then you can make a choice.”
“It’s not the same thing, Collin.” Noli looks away again.
“How is it not?”
“Nelson…he ruined my chances. I chose him, and I chose wrong. I can’t trust myself with my choices anymore—notpersonal choices, anyway. Besides, now I’m damaged goods. There’s no coming back from that for me. No one would want me.”
“I want you, Noli.”
The words are out of my mouth before I even think about them.
Noli’s eyes are wide and disbelieving.
My whole body is shaking with nervous energy but also with a new sensation. Something that pulses through my veins even stronger than the fear I’ve let control me.
It’s desire. For Noli. For a life with her. To get to know her. To take care of her. To see what we can be.
Because I think I’ve found the way I want to spend the rest of my life: proving to Noli Kasper that she is not damaged goods. That any fractures and breaks in her heart only make her more beautiful. I stare at the incredible woman standing in front of me. I want to kiss her, but I don’t want to push her right now. Instead, I crush her to me in a hug.
Her arms snake around me, and she holds on for dear life.
We stand there, embracing each other, as the lighthouse sways beneath our feet, or maybe that’s me and my off-balance equilibrium. Then again, I don’t really feel off balance. I feel grounded. Anchored. I can’t help but think that this whole fake marriage proposal seems more real than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life. I want it to be real. Because with Noli by my side, I feel like I can be the best man I can be.
28
