“No, Nono, I didn’t hate working withyou,” I told him, emotion thickening my voice. “I just hated not doing what Ido.”
“And you had to go all the way to Wisconsin? You couldn’t get a job in like Maryland or something?”
I stifled a sigh. “There was an opening here,” I said softly. “One I knew existed.”
“Did you even look anywhere else?” he asked, accusation in his voice.
I forced myself not to get angry. Or, at least, not to let my anger show in my voice. Yelling at Noah wasn’t going to do me any good. It would only upset him and upset me more. “No, because I knew about this one. I knew Hart could write me a recommendation, and they might actually listen to him because he grew up here. Because he worked on a case here. I consulted on a case here. It gave me a real chance instead of a remote possibility.” All of that was absolutely true.
It’s just that Elliot was the real reason I’d moved out here.
But that wasn’t going to become anything. He’d made that clear. It had always been clear, I just hadn’t wanted to pull my head out of my ass to see it.
Noah was quiet for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” he asked, his voice small and hurt.
“Because I didn’t want to hope too much,” I retorted. “And if I didn’t talk about it, then I wouldn’t be as disappointed if it didn’t work out. Because I was scared that if Shawano wouldn’t hire me, nowhere would.”
“Have you told them you’re a shifter?” he asked, then.
I blinked, surprised. “One of the detectives knows,” I answered.
“But not your boss.”
“No.”
“And what happens when they find out?” he demanded. “What if you shift at work?”
“I’m not going to lose control,” I retorted. “Elliot worked with me on controlling my shifting.”
“Did he.” It wasn’t a question.
I blew out a breath, trying to control my temper. “Yes, Noah, he did. It was helpful. I can shift of my own free will and I know who I am and what’s going on around me when I do.” I didn’t mention the fact that I’d lose my contacts and not really be able to see all that well. I wasn’t planning on shifting at work, so it shouldn’t ever be a problem.
“You’re—are you sure?” He sounded… sad? Wistful? Why would me being able to control my shifting make himsad?
“Are you upset that I can control this?” I asked, incredulous.
“No—I just… I wish I’d been there to help you, too,” he said, finally, and I felt like a jerk.
“Noah—youdidhelp me,” I said, trying to placate him. “You helped alot. When I really needed you.”
“But you needed him more,” he said.
I didn’t really know how to handle this. I hated that I’d upset him, but I also didn’t want to turn around and go back to Richmond. I love my brother—but I also wanted to have my own life. “I—I needed to make my own choices,” I said. “To know that I canbeon my own.”
“You can’t be on your own here?” he asked, and I could hear the hurt in his voice.
“No, I can’t,” I said softly. “Not because you’d do anything wrong, but because I wouldn’t be able to help myself.”
“What does that mean?” he asked, and, if anything, the hurt was stronger in his voice.
I sighed. “It means,” I said, trying to sort through my words and feelings so that I didn’t make this any worse. “That I will rely too much on other people if I’m around them. You, Quincy, Hart—I’ll let everyone else do the hard parts for me, and I won’t ever learn how to do them myself.”
“But I want to help you with the hard parts, Sethy.”
“I know you do, Nono. And… I’m grateful you do. Really. But I need to be able to do this on my own.”
“Dowhat?” Noah sounded exasperated.
