Hart made a sound, and I couldn’t tell if it was approval or disapproval. “You do you, I guess, Mays,” he said, although he sounded dubious. “Just—don’t let him get himself killed, okay?”
“I’m going to do my best,” I said.
“And don’t break his heart.”
I swallowed. “No intention of doing so,” I replied, my throat feeling tight.
“One more thing, Seth.”
“Yeah?”
“Don’tyouget yourself killed, either. Because thatwillbreak his heart.” He paused for a second, then continued. “And I’d be pretty fucking bummed out, too.”
I felt weirdly warm and worried all at the same time. “Thanks?”
Hart snorted. “Stay safe, Mays.”
“You, too,” I told him.
He hung up. I finished putting the last few things away, shoved my phone in my pocket after checking to see if Elliot had texted me back—he hadn’t—and headed out to my FJ Cruiser.
I pulled into the driveway,taking the corner slightly fast, my tires kicking up a tiny spray of gravel, grateful that Elliot’s truck was in the driveway, and more grateful that I could see him sitting on the stoop.
It was a little weird that he was outside sitting on the cement step like it was a warm day, given that the temperature was a handful of degrees below freezing—and the sun was low in the sky, the trees casting long shadows that reached purple fingers across the yard and driveway, obscuring Elliot’s features.
For a single, panicked moment I thought that maybe someone had gotten to him—that maybe he’d been posed, but I pushed that away the moment it slithered coldly through my brain. I was not going to think about that. I wasnot.
I winced as I jarred my knee getting out of the car faster than normal, worried about Elliot even though I could literally see him.
He was breathing, I noticed as I got closer, my bag over my shoulder swinging against one hip. I dropped the satchel to the pathway and knelt in front of him, ignoring the pain in my knee as it took my weight on the cold ground. I took his hands, chilled from being outside for too long, and blew against them, trying to heat them with both my breath and the warmth of my own skin.
His gaze remained fixed behind me, staring at a spot on the ground.
“El, look at me?”
He raised his eyes to mine, and I watched the brightness in them turn to water that spilled over and tracked down his cheeks.
“El?”
And then he pitched forward, falling into my arms as I let go of his hands to catch him, sobs already shaking his strong shoulders.
I held him close, his arms around my neck, his face tucked into the curve of my shoulder. I tightened my arms around him, hearing the thick, heaving coughs of his grief, even muffled as they were in the thick layers of my parka.
I don’t know how long I knelt there—my knee was throbbing, my hands chilled by the contact with the cold air. It didn’t matter, because I’d stay there until Elliot was ready. His sobs had subsided into sighs and sniffles, but his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder remained heavy.
I didn’t know what to say. Asking if he was okay would be incredibly stupid—he clearly wasn’t. Telling him it wouldbeokay wasn’t a better idea, because I didn’t know if it would be, and, if I were being honest, I wasn’t entirely certain it would or could be, given the circumstances.
So, instead, I turned and pressed my lips against his forehead, feeling the heat of his flushed skin against them. I stayed there for another few minutes, breathing in the scent of him—earth, musk, cedar-scented soap, and the sharp soapiness of his shampoo.
“I’ve been meaning to finish winterizing the roses and putting it off,” Elliot said softly. “But then I thought that the Distant Drums might die if they went another winter uncovered, and I couldn’t stand that, so I came out to finish covering them.”
A few weeks ago, Elliot and I had put piles of leaves over the roses, but he’d been covering them with burlap tied off with twine, although he hadn’t finished them.
“But then I got there and—couldn’t.” His voice broke.
I didn’t understand, but?—
And then I remembered the pictures Hart had sent me. Ground with a tiny white button. I glanced down. There was nobutton there, of course, and it was almost impossible to tell one tiny square of dirt from another, but it all clicked into place.
