“Wait.” I reach for her again. She stops, but doesn’t look at me. “My car is right there.” I take out my keys, unlock the car, and hold them out to her. “Let’s just go sit and talk for a minute.”
Her cheeks hollow out before she takes the keys from my hands and walks toward the parking lot. I hang my head, blowing out a deep breath, and follow behind her.
The door closes, shutting out the cold air and locking in a suffocating amount of tension.
I want to be there for her. I want to be someone deserving of her. How do I tell her that I want to give her all of the parts of me? I want to give her everything I am while admitting that I’m probably not enough.
I haven’t found the words, and even though neither of us has said anything, I can feel her frustration growing. For a little over two months, I’ve spent every day working with a mallet in hand to break down her walls, only to run headfirst into the wall between us thatI’vebuilt.
I’m about to stumble over my words, attempting to voice my thoughts, but she breaks the silence first.
“Is this just casual to you?”
I nearly break my neck as I whip my head toward her. “What?”
“I just… I can’t help feeling like I’m getting ready to tell my dad that we’re…” She shrugs a shoulder, unsure of the word to use. “Dating.”
God, I love hearing her say that.
“But I don’t know. Am I supposed to follow that up with ‘but don’t worry, he doesn’t think it’s that serious’?”
No. Fuck no.
“I don’t want to believe that that’s how you feel or that you would do anything to intentionally hurt me.” She shakes her head, and her voice wobbles on her last words. “And maybe it’s not fair to blame you. It could very well be my own insecurities and intrusive thoughts, but I can’t ignorethe feeling that something’s coming. I just…” The column of her throat works hard. I can’t stand to see her get upset because of me. I’m doing this.I’mmaking her feel this way, and it’s unbearable. “I feel like if you can’t talk to me, if you can’t?—”
“I’m stressed.” I cut her off.
Whether she’s surprised by that admission or at my outburst, I can’t tell. I run aggravated hands through my hair and attempt to fill my lungs with air but the pressure in the back of my throat is crushing. “When I got drafted, I thought, ‘Finally, all this work that I’ve put in over the years has paid off, and maybe my dad will let up,’ which was a foolish thing to think because it only made my training harder and more intense.” I keep my eyes trained on the top of the car, assuming that if I don’t look at her, it might be easier. “When your dad banned him from practice, I spent one full afternoon believing that I might finally be able to relax a little, but it only made him more creative with ways to make me practice.”
“I told you that throughout my life, I’ve only ever done things that I could give one hundred percent of myself to, and that was true. But then I met you, and it was like you picked up my world and threw it off its axis. All those things still matter to me, but I don’t want to live for them anymore.”
“You could have told me all of this.” Her voice is soft, and I feel like I deserve for her to be harsher with me.
“My whole life has always been ‘suppress your problems and work harder,’ and that’s all I’ve ever known. I was thirteen and had been practicing for hours outside when I told my dad I was cold. He said, ‘Skate faster’. And the night you told me about your mom, I just felt so fucking ridiculous. Like, how could I be stressed over something like this when you’ve had it so much harder?” I shake my head. “And then again, last night, you were upset, and I just wanted to be there for you. I wanted to comfort you and help you, and I… didn’t. Because of my own shit, and it just seemed so insignificant and stupid.”
“It’s not.” She shakes her head, twists herself in the driver's seat, and puts both hands on my thigh. “First of all, just because I’ve had loss in my life, doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to struggle too. And it’s not stupid because it’s not just about studying for your classes or extra practices. It’s this unattainable goal that you’ve made up. Believing that you can give every ounce of yourself to everything you’re doing, and I know you’re the golden boy,” she says with a teasing smile. “But you’re draining yourself and it’s literally making you sick.”
She squeezes my thigh between her hands, and I cover them, finally looking over at her.
“I don’t know how to say this tactfully, but since I’m not really known to mince words anyway—” Her lips twist to the side for a moment before she continues. “I know you love your dad, and I know you think he’s doing what’s best for you, and I’m not saying he’s not, but… It’s not healthy, Noah. The way he overworks you is not normal, and neither is the way he constantly tears you down when that doesn’t work.”
I know she’s right to an extent. I’ve spent years of my life defending his behavior to my friends, teammates, coaches, and even to my own mom. He might not be doing things the right way, but I know more than anyone about what he’s been through, and he never does anything with malice.
I look at Savannah with her dark, shiny eyes and the boulder that takes up residency on my chest lifts, letting me up for air while I’m with her.
“I’m sorry, Savvy. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to bring it up before, and I’m sorry if I ever made you think I would, or could, hurt you.” I reach up, cupping her cheek, and she turns into my hand like she’s silently accepting my apology. “But understand this: You have never been casual to me.”
35
savannah
My heels hoverabove the floor as I tiptoe down the stairs. I’m not even half way down when the scent of freshly roasted coffee hits me. My sneaking around was definitely done in vain.
I peer around the corner and find Silas sitting on the couch in all his shirtless glory.
“There are mugs in the cupboard to the right of the microwave,” he calls out, never taking his eyes off of the TV.
My options are limited to running back up the stairs and waiting for Noah to finish his shower, or pulling my sleeves down over my hands and coming out from hiding. I choose the latter.
