My lungs are full. Of fire or ice, I can’t be sure, but I know I’ve stopped breathing.
“NOAH!”
My heartbeat plummets before it picks up so rapidly that it feels as if it’s physically pulling my body upward, except it’s only pulling me awake.
“Noah. Open your eyes.” It’s not my dad screaming my name. It’s a safe voice. A concerned voice. I feel the cold sweat covering my neck and back as I open my eyes to find Savannah staring down at me. Her own breathing sounds heavy. “Hey.”
I inhale as much oxygen as I can while dragging both hands through my hair. The scent of vanilla and oranges, mixed with the feeling of the warm flannel sheets beneath me, brings me the final few steps back to reality. Back to safety. Back to Savannah.
“Noah?”
“It’s nothing.” My voice is hoarse, and the horror of if I was talking—or worse, screaming—enters my mind. “I’m fine.”
“Please just talk to me.” Her pleading voice sends a giant crack across my heart. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I tell myself it’s because I don’t deserve to feel the way I’m feeling, or because I can’t even explain it myself, but the reality is—I think it’s because it’s further proof that I’m failing. I came here tonight to comfort her, and once again, we’ve woken up because of me.
“I should probably go.” I wait a beat and then lift my head, but I’m stopped by Savannah’s palm on my chest.
“Stay.”
I lay back down, not wanting to disappoint her any more than I already have. I close my eyes, pretending to sleep while she continues to run her fingers through my hair.
33
savannah
Noah crawledout of my bed this morning before the sun came up. He left with a whispered, “Early morning practice. Go back to sleep,” and a soft kiss to the top of my head.
After meeting my dad for coffee this morning, I confirmed that his practice was the Kingston family kind, otherwise I might have tried to get him to talk to me about last night. It’s not the first time he’s woken up like that. It’s not even the first time he’s shown signs of stress or panic. He hides certain things, but I notice the way he rubs the heel of his hand over his chest, like he’s attempting to soothe an ache there. I notice the dullness he’s been carrying in those usually bright eyes, and the way he shuts down at any mention of things being too much for him.
“Hello?”
“Huh?” I shake my head, pulling myself from my thoughts.
Chloe looks at me with a mixture of confusion and concern, and I can’t blame her. We came to the library to study almost an hour ago, and as I look down at a blank paper, I realize that I haven’t even started my work.
“Sorry. I think I’m in a funk.”
“This wouldn’t pertain to a certain somebody sneaking out of our apartment at five thirty this morning, would it?”
Yes.
“You saw him?”
“I fell asleep on the couch again.” She waves a dismissive hand. “You want to talk about it?”
I don’t get a hangnail without Chloe knowing about it. I have, and always will, continue to share every part of myself with her, but I can’t share every part of Noah with her. His struggles are his, and if he can’t even bring himself to share them with me…
“I’m starting to feel like maybe he isn’t all in with me.”
“You’re joking.”
I purse my lips with a slight shake of my head.
“Sav, that guy has been flirting with you and chasing you for months. You gave him nothing but attitude and cold shoulders and he still tried to claw his way to you. I refuse to believe that he finally got his shot with you, and now he’s pulling back.”
“Maybe I was just another challenge for him.” I shrug, but even as I say the words, they feel wrong.
“I know you’ve been wronged before, but you can’t put the shit that other guys have done to you on Noah.”
