Page 97 of So Much More
“To be clear, you’re talking about me sleeping here, right? Not anything else?”
“Sleeping. One step at a time. Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay. But as soon as you’re ready to take that next step, you let me know.”
He gives me a wink, and I giggle.
“Just so you know,” I say, “my body has been ready for a long time, but my heart still isn’t quite there.”
I’ve determined that until I know with absolute certainty that I love him and he loves me back, I won’t take that final step with him. Although I care much more for him than any other man I’ve ever been with, I’m holding myself back precisely because of those feelings. I know I won’t be able to bear the pain if I take that last intimate leap with him and then he shatters me again.
He kisses my forehead. “Your heart matters most, so I’m glad that’s what you’re listening to.”
That very heart melts at his words, which makes it a little more ready.
He asks, “What’s our topic of conversation for tonight?”
Each time we’re together, we pick a different topic to discuss. Sometimes it’s serious, and other times it’s silly. One night we ranked our favorite Muppets, gave detailed explanations for each, and critiqued the other person’s obviously wrong choices. But tonight it’s time to be serious, which is the primary reason I want him to stay with me.
“There’s two topics tonight. First is me visiting Andrea,” I say.
“Ah. You got your flights?”
“Yes, Leslie and I are flying to Arkansas a week from Friday. We’ll take off work that day, and then we’ll fly back on Sunday.” I pause. “And we’re staying with Shannon.”
Randall nods. “Sounds like a good plan.”
I search his eyes. “You’re okay with the Shannon thing?”
He cups my cheek with one hand. “I don’t love it. You know that. But I trust you, and I trust Leslie’s judgment, and I’m choosing to trust Shannon, too, even though I don’t know him very well.”
“Thank you. I know this isn’t easy for you, but I’m glad you trust me. Now for the other topic: the divorce.”
He drops his hand from my face and leans his head back against the couch cushion. “Mom’s filing next week.”
“Everything’s in order?”
“The lawyer needs to do a few last-minute things, and then the Order of Protection will be filed and Dad will be served.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Honestly, I have mixed feelings. I want Mom and the girls to get away from him, so I’m glad for their sakes. I’m also looking forward to the lawyer taking Dad down, which I’m fairly certain will happen, with the evidence we have against him when it comes to his mistresses and his threats against Mom.”
When he doesn’t tell me the other side of what he’s feeling, I prompt, “But …”
“But my parents are getting divorced. I know I’m an adult, and it’s been a long time coming, and it’s what needs to happen, but it’s still hard, you know?”
My eyes mist up, and I nod.
“I’m also afraid of what he’ll do to retaliate against all of us. And I can’t help but believe Ash and I set all this into motion when we left the firm. I feel a sense of responsibility for it.”
I sit up straight, look him directly in the eye, and smooth my hand down the side of his face. “None of what is happening with your dad is your fault.Noneof it.He’s the one who chose to treat his family like dirt—not you. And you should be proud of your mom for finally having the courage to get out of an abusive marriage.”
“I am, but how did I not know he was emotionally and verbally abusing her and physically threatening her? I should have known, considering the way he’s always treated me.”
“It wasn’t your responsibility to see it or do anything about it. You were a kid the last time you lived in their house full-time, and I’m sure he hid it well. Most abusers do.” A tear slides down his cheek and I kiss it away. “I hate that you’re having to deal with this.”
We’re both silent for a while and then he says, “Will you hold me? You know I love being the cuddler, while you’re the cuddlee, but can we switch it up tonight?”
