Page 53 of So Much More
“Don’t shut down on me again. I always want to know how you’re feeling, even if you’re mad at me or aren’t sure what you’re feeling. I need you to let me in.”
“I’ll try,” I say. “In most parts of my life, when it comes to the fight-or-flight reflex, I’m a fighter all the way. I tell people how I feel and try to work through conflict. But thanks to my romantic history, I often choose flight with men. The reason I don’t fight is I assume things won’t go the way I want them to, because they rarely do. Yesterday I should have asked you to explain, but instead I shut you out. I’m sorry I did that.” I pause. “I might need you to help me to not shut you out again in the future.”
“I will. And I should have given you the whole story yesterday. I didn’t because I didn’t want you to think I was making excuses for my behavior. But now I can see how that hurt you more than telling you everything from the start.”
“Aren’t we a messed-up pair?” I ask.
“Maybe so,” he replies, “but I have no doubt it’ll be worth trying to work through all our mess.”
I add, “Together.”
“Yeah?”
The hope in his tone makes my heart leap the tiniest bit, but I need to be careful we don’t move too fast. “As friends first.”
“Friends with bantering,” he counters.
I allow myself to smile. “Friends with bantering.”
* * *
“You’re really going to try again with no-name man?” Leslie asks.
“I am. But slowly—starting out as friends again.”
I’ve finally forced myself to sit in my easy chair, and Leslie is on the couch across from me, but I made her sit on the opposite end from where Randall used to.
“You sure that’s the best idea?”
“I thought you’d be all for this,” I say. “It’ll make things easier for you and Ash if Randall and I aren’t avoiding each other.”
“This isn’t about me and Ash. It’s about you and your heart. I don’t want him to break it again.”
“Neither do I, but what he did isn’t who he is. He made a terrible mistake, and I don’t think he’ll do it again.”
“But he kissed somebody else, when he wouldn’t kiss you.”
“Am I upset that he kissed her?” I nod. “Absolutely. The thought of it still makes me want to vomit. But that has nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t want to kiss me yet. He had valid reasons for that—reasons that prove how much he cares for me. I know he’s not perfect, and maybe I won’t ever be able to get past him kissing her, but I won’t know unless I give him another chance.”
“I guess that makes sense, but don’t let him walk all over you.”
“I won’t. Ihaven’t.In the past, I would have either pretended to forgive him from the beginning and acted like everything was fine, or I would have completely walked away because I didn’t want to deal with it. But like Aunt Star said the other day, when you’re with the right man, it’s worth the effort to work through your mistakes together.”
“And he’s the right man?”
“If I didn’t think he might be, I wouldn’t be willing to try to work this out.”
“Okay, then I’ll support your decision. But I’m still mad at him.”
I shrug. “Me, too. Now, I need to play the best friend card and ask you to do something weird.”
“Anything.”
“Will you change my sheets for me? They still smell like him, so I can’t go near my bed until they’re gone.”
“Of course, and I’ll take them home with me to wash so you don’t have to touch them.”
“I love you, Leslie Beckett.”
