Page 15 of So Much More
She nods.
“I’m also not bothered by your sixth toe,” I tease.
“I don’t have six toes!”
“I’m actually hoping you have ten.”
When she rolls her eyes, I know we’ve gotten past the age hurdle.
The waitress brings our drinks, and we spend a few minutes discussing the finer points ofThe Outsiders.
Then Wendy prompts, “Back to the lack of kissing and what had better be an excellent reason for it.”
“I have this pattern,” I explain, “where I fall fast and hard and get so caught up in the physical side of a relationship that I don’t learn anything important about the woman I’m with, and I lose track of who I am in the process. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to do that withyou.I want to take plenty of time to get to know you, and I need to know who I can be in a real, adult relationship that exists primarily outside the bedroom.
“In my past relationships, kissing tended to lead to more, which is why I can’t kiss you yet. This might be overkill, and it might make us feel a little like we’re in high school again, but I honestly don’t know how much control I can exert, since it’s been such a long time since I’ve tried, so I need to take things slowly on the physical side.
“What’s happening here,” I wave my hand back and forth between us, “I want this to be about so much more than a kiss—more than a night or a weekend or even a lifetime of physical passion. I want to know your heart, your mind, yoursoulbefore I learn everything there is to know about your body.”
Wendy fans her face with her hand. “Holy smokes, that was sexy. You’re starting off with a bang.” She claps a hand over her mouth and giggles. “Or not, as the case may be.”
I can’t help but chuckle.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I don’t mean to make light of what you said. I feel honored that you shared that with me and that you want to do this in the way that feels right to you. It also feels right to me, even though I didn’t realize that until now, and I couldn’t have stated it nearly so well. I’ve had similar issues in past relationships. I also fall too hard, too fast, and without any real commitment involved on the guy’s part, so I feel like I’m constantly in a state of limbo, kind of like how I’ve felt the last month with you. I’m too old to keep living that way. And I want to get to know the real Randall Hamilton—the one behind all the cockiness and the witty banter.”
One corner of my mouth quirks up. “You don’t appreciate my banter?”
“I adore the banter. Ilivefor it. But I know there’s so much more to you, and I can’t wait to discover it.”
A lump forms in my throat. “And I can’t wait to learn everything there is to know about Wendy O’Halloran.” I reach across the table and take her hand in mine. “I’m sorry I put you in a state of limbo. I took advantage of your heart that first night, and that was wrong. I should have thought about what I was doing to you.”
“I was a willing participant,” she says. “You took advantage of nothing. Don’t put that blame on yourself. But I’m glad we’re now getting it all out in the open. There’s one thing I’m confused about, though. You said you don’t know how much control you can exert with me, but it seems you’ve been controlling yourself just fine for the past month.”
She’s not wrong, but neither am I. “I controlled myself because I thought you didn’t want more. I’m not one to kiss someone unless I know they want it. But since I now know you want to kiss me, it makes things considerably more difficult.”
Wendy nods. “I understand that. I also kept myself under control because I didn’t think you wanted more with me. It wasn’t easy, but it was easier than now, when it’s all I can do to keep myself from climbing across this table and letting everyone in this restaurant know you’re mine.”
I suck in a breath at that visual and her possessiveness. “I’m going to need you to not say things like that.”
“You didn’t like it?” She shoots me a flirtatious grin.
“That’s not the problem, and you know it.”
She giggles. “I do. And I’ll try to control my words as much as my actions. For now.” She tilts her head to the side. “Speaking of words, what did you mean this morning when you said, ‘It’s not the dress’?”
I force myself not to smile. “What do you think I meant?”
“That it was me, not the dress?”
“Precisely. You look incredible no matter what you’re wearing. But I’ll admit I was a tiny bit disappointed when I got to your apartment and you’d changed out of that little number.” I grin at her.
“I thought about leaving it on, since I thought I might need some help convincing you to date me, but then I realized it would be harder to curl up on your lap in that dress than in shorts and a T-shirt, so I changed.”
“Wise decision,” I say, my eyes tracking over the parts of her I can see. “Though like I said, it doesn’t matter what you wear, you always look great to me.”
She blushes and then says, “Thanks. Back to the conversation from earlier, is there anything else you need to tell me, when it comes to us dating?”
I nod and admit something I’ve never said out loud before, but I completely trust Wendy with the information. “I also have this problem where I become who others want me to be. It started with my father, and it has transferred to pretty much every friendship and relationship I’ve ever had. And I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to beme.”
