Page 42 of Love Notes
I looked down to discover I’d picked up a round of wood without realizing it.Probably another alien waiting to be discovered.Another member of twelve-year-old me’s galactic defense squad.I grabbed my knife, pulled a chair into the shade outside the roller doors where I could see the lake, and began to whittle.Except the blade didn’t follow the paths I thought it would.It wasn’t an alien taking shape under my knife at all—it was a water lily.
For Adam.
I hadn’t been good enough for my dad, but was I good enough for Adam?I knew that was a question that I couldn’t answer without asking him and without being honest about my dyslexia.And, until I opened up about it, I was doing him a disservice by assuming it might be a dealbreaker for him.He wasn’t my dad, wasn’t some of the teachers I’d had, and, most importantly, he wasn’tme.Because of everyone who’d ever judged me for not being able to keep up with the other kids, who’d thought I was stupid, useless, I was right up there with the worst of them.I’d always been my own worst enemy.
I felt stupid now, because here I was sitting in the doorway of my workshop, beside the cabin I owned and had renovated myself, looking out at a beautiful view of Harmony Lake, and I still didn’t think I was good enough.Iwasproud of what I’d accomplished, but that pride somehow wasn’t enough to drown out the feelings of inadequacy that had been hardwired into me when I was a kid.It was tough as weeds, that sense of shame.
I ran my thumb over the blunt points of the water lily’s petals.Just like I was doing Adam a disservice by not telling him the truth, I was doing him one by not fighting harder to build my self-esteem.Because if I believed I wasn’t good enough for him—without even asking him if it was true—then that belief would hollow out the heart of our relationship like termites in the trunk of a tree, leaving it fragile and brittle and then the whole thing would collapse.
When I heard his rental car coming down the driveway, I stood up and brushed the curls of wood shavings off me.I went back inside and set my knife and the water lily down on my workbench, my stomach twisting anxiously.Then I walked through the trees toward the cabin.
He was climbing out of the car when I stepped out of the trees.He straightened up when he saw me, but his face didn’t light up with his customary smile.His expression was cold, rigid, as he stared at me.
“Adam?”I took a few steps toward him, my gaze searching for any injuries to him or damage to the car.Because whatever had happened, he was shaken.I didn’t spot anything obvious though.“Are you okay?”
Of everything I’d thought he might tell me—that he’d been mugged, that his agent had dumped him, that something had happened to his dad—nothing prepared me for what came out of his mouth.
He jutted out his chin, confusion and anger replacing his previously fixed expression.But when he spoke, his voice was as cold as his face had been.“Why does Sam have pictures of the note I gave you on his phone?”
Oh, shit.
No, I hadn’t expected him to say that at all, and it was my turn to freeze.
RYAN WAS Adeer in the fucking headlights, which would have been a lot more amusing if I didn’t suddenly remember that after you saw a deer in the headlights what could happen was that it could crash through the windshield and kill you both.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again.
“I’m giving you one chance to answer my question,” I said, pleased that I sounded so cutthroat when I had no idea how my legs were still holding me up.“And it had better be a good fucking answer, Ryan.”
“I—” He closed his mouth again, and then his forehead creased.“I couldn’t read your writing.”
“Oh, come on,” I said.“That is the most bullshit—”
“I’m dyslexic,” he said.He swallowed, his throat bobbing.“Reading is—it’s not easy, and you—your writing is joined up and messy, and I couldn’t figure it out.I’m sorry.I shouldn’t have sent your notes to Sam.They were private, I know, but he would never tell anyone.”
“Oh,shit, Ryan.”So much for being cutthroat; I was about to choke on my rising tears, because now I felt like a total asshole.All right, I was confused, because a second ago my righteous anger had been the only thing keeping me in control, but now I definitely felt like an asshole, except maybe Ryan was a little bit of one too?Because he could have fuckinsaidsomething.“Sam was reading them for you?”
He nodded, staring at the ground.
“Well, I could have fucking read them to you!”I exclaimed, and he looked up, startled.“I mean, no, actually.If I’d known, I probably wouldn’t have written them in the first place.”
“I liked them,” he said, reaching a shaking hand into the pocket of his apron and bringing out the latest.“Nobody’s ever written me love notes before.”
I resisted the still angry part of me that wanted to tell himwell,obviously.“I’m sorry.”
His gaze met mine and then dropped again.“What are you sorry for?”
Sorry for giving you love notes, was my first thought.But that wasn’t right.Sorry for making you feel bad about getting love notes?Except that wasn’t right either, because Ryan said he’d liked them.
“I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me,” I said, and he lifted his gaze.This time he held mine.“If I ever made you think I would be a dick about something like that, then I’m sorry for that too.”
“You didn’t,” he said, his voice quiet but sure.“That’s all me.”
“So, um, did Sam read that one yet?”I asked, nodding at the note.
He rubbed the back of his neck.“I haven’t checked my voicemail yet.”
“Come here,” I said, and when he inched cautiously closer, I took the note and unfolded it.“It says, ‘Ryan, every day with you feels like a gift I haven’t done anything to deserve.’”My voice cracked, but I kept going.“‘I’m scared of how much you’ve come to mean to me in such a short space of time.I didn’t know my heart could feel this full.’”I suddenly hated that there was still any distance between us, and I put my arms around him, almost sagging in relief when he let it happen.I didn’t need to see the note to read the rest.“‘I’m falling in love with you.Adam.’”
