I blink, it seems, and we’re pulling into a neighborhood on the edge of town. We pass streets chocked full of quaint, mid-sized homes. Life bustles down each avenue. A group of preteen girls, heads thrown back in laughter, ride their bikes side by side. Two young boys play catch across their yard. A woman pushes a stroller on the sidewalk.
The final turn tucked at the back of the neighborhood is ours. The abundance of mature trees creates a canopy over the street, bringing a coziness that’s in direct odds to the flutters in my stomach.
“I think that’s it.” Connor jerks his head toward a house a few doors down.
I lean forward to investigate just as a minivan backs out of the driveway and drives off ahead of us. Red brake lights flash as it disappears around the corner at the end of the street.
We come to a stop on the curb across the street. “I think we missed her.”
I hear his voice, but not his words. Everything going in my ears a muffled, hazy mess, I can’t hear beyond what my eyes see.
He jiggles our held hands. “Gretch.”
“Huh?” I turn, tearing the mental cobwebs away as his words finally register. “Yeah, I guess so.” My gaze lands back on the house and anxiety rises like bile in my throat.
A gentle hand on my cheek turns my face until we’re eye to eye. “Tell me what’s going on up here, Fish,” he murmurs, softly tapping my temple.
The urge to go home overtakes me. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t be here. A tear breaks from the corner of my eye and Connor’s thumb catches it before it hits my cheek.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise. You can tell me.”
Every self-preservation instinct I have disappears. Sobs bubble up from my chest as the words tumble out of me. “I’m thinking there’s a tricycle in the yard and sidewalk chalk on the driveway and a basketball net above the garage and she has this whole life here…with kids. I want to meet them but what if they don’t know about me? What if she never told them I exist and I just show up on her doorstep?” I pause to catch my breath and a sob escapes.
“Before, when I imagined her, I knew it was possible she had other kids, but they were only in my head. They didn’t feel real. But now I’m here and they’re real and what if me showing up messes everything up for her family? I can’t do that to them.”
Connor pulls my forehead to his, both hands on my cheeks, swiping tears as quickly as they fall. “Shhh,” he breathes. Forehead to forehead, he waits, urging me to match my breaths to his. I grip his forearms, hands trembling, until my lungs find a steady rhythm.
“I’m sorry,” I say for the hundredth time. “I thought I would get here and know what to do, but I don’t.”
“Stop apologizing. You are so incredibly brave. Everything you’ve done to get yourself here?” He huffs out a sharp breath while his thumb caresses my cheek. Tilting my head up to meet his gaze, he adds, “I am in awe of you.”
I savor his words even if I find them hard to believe. I’m so thankful he’s here.
“I am so absurdly proud of you.”
The pressures eases in my chest. “Absurdly?”
He grins. “Yeah, like it’s stupid silly how proud I am of you right now.”
Our eyes catch. Pools of glacier blue delicately tether me—it’s impossible to look away. Our positions haven’t changed. His handsstill rest softly on my cheeks while my hands clutch his forearms like they’re life rafts at high tide.
“I have an idea for you to consider,” he says.
“I’m listening.”
“What if we left a note?”
“A note?”
“We leave a note letting her know you were here and that you’d like to meet her. We say you plan to come back at noon tomorrow and if she doesn’t want that then she can leave a message with the front desk at the hotel. No exchange of phone numbers and no awkward face to face conversations until you know that she wants to see you.”
“Okay,” is the only word I manage, but my heart shouts so much more.
Yes! Thank you. How do you do that? This is why I never wanted to do this with anyone except you. You’ve always been my first choice.
Two hearts in sync, it’s as though he hears everything I don’t say. His thumb continues its back-and-forth path over my cheek as his eyes clamp shut, like his restraint could snap any minute.
This man.
