“There it is,” she says with a satisfied expression before her grin settles into a thin line. “You don’t have to ignore her calls just because I’m around.”
I take in a steadying breath before I answer, “It’s not that.” I blink slowly once as though it’ll erase the shame. It doesn’t. “We haven’t spoken since the break-up.”
The voice of the GPS guide mercifully interrupts the moment, directing me to the next exit. I roll the car to a stop at a red light at the end of our exit ramp and a weighty silence settles in as we take in the scenery.
The sun is still a few hours from setting and we’re far from the urban landscape of Phoenix now. The view outside is no longer bustling highways, office buildings and sprawling neighborhoods. Now, it’s nothing but the orange-pink glow of the sun cast down upon the red-toned desert mesas in the distance.
Gretchen’s the first one to speak, voice cautious and soft. “Drew seemed really upset with you about the breakup.”
I let out an exhausted breath. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“It’s fine.” I remove my hat and rake a hand through my hair, tugging at the ends as the light turns green. “Drew was kind of blindsided by the whole thing. I get why he’s upset.”
Warily, I meet her gaze. There’s no malice or judgment to be found in the soft lines of her face, only a sort of watchful concern as she waits for me to go on.
I slide my hat back on, my other hand wound tight on the steering wheel. “Things with Lauren were more complicated than he ever knew.”
Gretchen looks at me like I’m a puzzle she can’t figure out. “How so?”
Sighing, I bolster myself for my confession. The resort looms aswe draw closer. “I, um…I thought I loved her, but…” My voice trails off. There’s no good way to end that sentence.
“But you were together for two and a half years,” she says.
Guilt clamps around my vocal cords as I whisper, “I know.”
We scan the property as I turn into the parking area. Several burnt sienna colored stucco structures are laid out in front of us. Blending perfectly into the red-hued natural horizon of rock mesas beyond, the separate buildings designate the lobby from the spa and guest rooms and private villas. Cacti and desert ground cover make up the patches of landscape around and between each of the buildings. If one could ever consider a sweltering desert a paradise, this would be it.
Once I find a parking spot, I turn off the engine and shift to face Gretchen. The curious look in her eyes tells me we’re not done with this conversation.
“Why would you date somebody for that long if you didn’t love them?”
I roll the car keys over in my hand. A queasy feeling rises in my throat, but I swallow it down. “I really thought I did.” I shake my head. “I don’t know, it’s like I tried so hard to convince myself it was true that I eventually started to believe it.”
Like a hostage, Gretchen holds my stare. “So, you loved her once and fell out of love, or you never loved her at all?”
“It didn’t…it…it never felt the way it was supposed to feel.”It never felt like it did with you.“I know it was some form of love, but I wasn’tinlove with her.”
The moment I realized Lauren wasn’t it for me is a memory I’ve tried countless times to forget.
It had been six months since we had exchangedI love yous. Lauren and I were at Drew and Reagan’s place playing Cards Against Humanity. Everything was great—bellies full, tons of laughter. Lauren’s hand was on my thigh and mine was on her nape, massaging her neck. Our friends darted off to the kitchen for another round of beers. Lauren leaned in to whisper something in my ear, but I didn’t hear a word because my gaze was caught on my best friend and his wife across the apartment.
Drew came up behind Reagan and she turned to meet him. He smiled down at her and she melted into him. The two beer bottles she’d been holding were set aside as my best friend wrapped the love of his life in a hug and swayed back and forth four, five, six times.
For those twenty seconds, it was like nothing else existed. Lauren and I weren’t there. The stresses of work, family and finances were forgotten. It was just the two of them, dancing to no music at all, barefoot in their kitchen. And there I was, sitting next to the woman I supposedly loved and I couldn’t picture anything like that with her. I should have ended it then. Instead, I spent the next year trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Gretchen inhales deeply, rolls her lips and brings one leg up on the seat as she turns to face me.
“Are you gonna say anything?” I finally ask.
“I’m not sure you wanna hear what I have to say.” Her voice is gentle, but the words hit like a sledgehammer.
“I never should have let it go on as long as I did but I don’t know…I…” Thoughts fade in and out of focus as Gretchen glares at me, arms crossed. “I didn’t want to hurt her and I know how dumb that sounds because the longer I waited, the more it hurt her in the end. I know I messed up.”
“So, what? You’re gonna ignore her calls forever?” Her edged words slice through me, hitting their mark.
“No,” I sigh.
