“I didn’t know either.”
Drew listens in riveted interest—or disgust—as I parlay the details of Alexis’ connection to Gretchen, the bad blood between them, how her former best friend used me to make Gretchen jealous, how I was unaware of all of this until it was too late and how terribly my actions hurt his sister.
“After I sent Alexis home, I went to find Gretchen to apologize and try to explain.” I pause, running a hand down my face. “I kissed her.”
Drew bristles, his hand fisted around his beer bottle so hard it could shatter.
“Then I stopped it,” I continue. “Because I felt guilty. I hadn’t talked to you yet and what you’d said the night before kept ringing in my head and I felt like no matter what choice I made, it was the wrong one.” I take another swig. “I walked away. I loved her and I walked away from her and it’s the biggest regret of my life.”
My phone buzzes on the bar. Thankful for the interruption, I flip it over to see Gretchen’s response to the text I sent her before Drew and I left my apartment.
Gretchen
No matter what happens, I love you.
I turn the phone back face down on the bar, not caring if Drew saw any of it over my shoulder. Part of me wants to wave it in his face and say“see, we love each other.”But as far as he’s concerned, I loved somebody else two months ago. Even though I’ve tried to explain that it wasn’t the same, it does nothing to make the love I claim to have for his sister seem any different.
If he saw Gretchen’s message on my screen, he doesn’t mention it. Instead, he prods the conversation forward. “And after the wedding?”
The heart in my chest feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. “I lost myself. I wanted to make things right with her, but I was too ashamed. The guilt fed the shame and the shame fed the guilt and…you saw me, man. I know it was bad.”
“Yeah, I saw you,” he starts, and I turn to look at him, his eyes stern but softer than they were before. “But you never told me why.”
“I know,” I say, voice hoarse. “I messed everything up and lost Gretchen. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, too.
“All those times you saved my ass, I know I disappointed you and I knew if I told you the truth there was a strong possibility you’d never talk to me again. My behavior was disgusting and I hated myself. It’s why I agreed to go out with Lauren, which was an awful way of dealing with the situation, but I just wanted to do something that you wouldn’t hate me for. I think I thought if I could stop disappointing you then maybe I’d feel better about myself.”
Because that’s what it all really boiled down to in the end—and what Gretchen helped me see—I valued my best friend’s opinion of me more than Gretchen’s. More than my own.
“I was too much of a coward to confront the truth of it all back then. I’m sorry.”
I suck in a deep breath like it’s the first bit of oxygen my lungs have received in days.
“When you invited us to Gretchen’s graduation dinner, I honestly thought enough time had passed but…I was wrong. All the shame and guilt came right back the second I saw her. Realizing I wasn’t over her just made it worse.”
Drew downs the last half of his beer without coming up for air.
“I never meant to fall in love with your sister, but I did.” I level my eyes at him, sincere and intentional. “I can’t un-love the only girl that has ever made complete sense to me.”
It’s several brutally silent seconds before Drew finally looks away, dragging a hand over his jaw.
“She said you’re going to New York tomorrow to help her find an apartment.”
“I’m moving there, Drew.” He swivels his attention back to me. “To be with her.”
The old me would avoid Drew’s scrutinizing gaze, but the new me stands my ground. It’s only by the mercy of the bartender’s interruption that we break our stare.
We both wave off another round before Drew clears his throat and says, “All that stuff outside the restaurant…I shouldn’t have done that. I was upset and…dealing with a lot.” He swallows and a flicker of grief flashes in his eyes. “I was caught off guard but that’s no excuse for the things I said. I was out of line and I’m sorry.”
I only nod in response because the emotion taking hold in my chest threatens to spill out in dramatic fashion if I do much more. It feels like we’re close. So close.
He looks at me, gaze steady. “You know I love you, right?”
I smile softly at his words because I really needed to hear them. “Yeah, man. I love you, too.”
“Maybe we could get a do-over,” he adds, voice quiet. “Pretend it’s the day before my wedding and you have something really important you wanna say to me.”
I angle my body on the barstool to face him. One elbow braced on the bar, I place a hand over my mouth and assess the intentions behind his offer.
