Page 21 of Brian and Mina's Holiday Hits
Once Annette has gotten me far enough from the rest of the group, she whispers, “Are you okay? When did he…?”
I know she’s talking about my back. A twisted part of me wants to make her explicitly spell out the words. I’m still a little hurt about the way she cowered from me, like I was a monster she needed to be afraid of. But now that she’s seen what she perceives as new violence against me… she’s what? Letting me back into her super special slave girl sisterhood?
Will there be slumber parties and a secret hand shake?
“It was my punishment for rescuing him,” I say.
Her mouth hangs open like a fish. I can see the wheels turning in her head, like she’s making unlikely and impossible plans to rescue me from Brian. It annoys me as much as it amuses me. But it also makes me feel alone. Nobody here really gets me but Brian. At least when I first got here, I wasn’t a complete alien. I was already pretty different, but I was different in a way that made sense to the others.
I stop Annette’s hamster brain right here. “It’s fine. Ilikeit. I’m happy he marked me like this.”
“You’ve... changed,” is all she’ll say. Understatement of the decade. It’s like she thinks there should be some sort of intervention. Someone needs to save me from myself. I love how everybodywantsto save me, but only Brian ever manages to successfully do anything useful. He’s the one who bought me initially and brought me back from the brink, and he’s the onewho saved me from Matsumoto in Japan. Everyone else has only had good intentions that hurt me in the end.
I’m pretty sure Annette thinks I have some form of Stockholm Syndrome—as if she doesn’t—like I’ve gone all Patty Hearst on her. I mean, maybe. I do want to run around and do crime with Brian, now. But it isn’t because I’veidentified with my captor and am only trying to survive. It’s because my needs are beginning to mirror his. But if I spoke these words to Annette, she’d be horrified.
She’d never understand.
ELEVEN
brian
It setsmy teeth on edge that Mina stormed out of here like that. I need to think about this job, but instead all I can think about now is punishing her. I’ve never been the biggest fan of brat subs, and more than one girl has a permanent scar somewhere on her body as a reminder of that.
Hell, Mina has a permanent scar from me now.
I don’t know what got into me when we returned to the house that day after she’d blazed in and taken out Matsumoto’s son. I felt possessed as I stripped her bare in the dungeon and tied her to the pole in the middle of the cell. I contemplated whipping her. I cracked the single-tailed whip a few times. It had the appropriate psychological effect. But it wasn’t enough.
I felt myself losing control, so I turned on the Chopin. I knew it would soothe her, but I also needed it to ground me so I wouldn’t cross lines I couldn’t uncross because it wasn’t about punishing her to harm her.
I just needed to mark her, to brand her. I needed her to have a vivid, solid reminder of who the fuck she belonged to and what that meant. But really, somewhere inside my lizard brain I felt like marking her this way could somehow protect her from ever coming so close to that kind of danger again.
But Iamthat kind of danger.
In my care she’s already been put at risk by two sadistic bastards who weren’t even me. Three if you count the shrink. I can’t stand the thought that I make her unsafe, that my very existence somehow puts her at risk. I need to make her safe. I need to keep her with me forever. I need to mark her as my territory so that when the other dogs sniff around her, they keep moving.
But I know carving the wordMineinto her back with my knife isn’t going to protect her from the monsters in the world. It’s just me being another monster hurting her and making sure she never forgets that I should probably be put down—just a giant fucking reminder of everything I am and all the things I can’t give her.
I was afraid she’d look at me with fear and revulsion, that I might have killed the new spark that ignited within her, but I saw the flush of pleasure on her face when she looked at the word in the mirror. And I see how every time she gets out of the shower, after she dries off, she turns and looks at it, reaching back to trace the scar with her fingertips as though she can make it remain that way forever just by showing it attention, as though it’s a plant she’s caring for.
Mina always lets out a contented sigh after she’s done this. I don’t think she realizes she does it. It’s only one of the many signals that she’s not the scared, broken woman who first came to me. And yet, despite my initial uncertainty, I like this version even better. Though now I have new fears with her.
She can handle more now. I can let the beast out a little with her. But what if I push her too far? What if I harm her and can’t bring her back? What if I’m the one who breaks her this time? What if I become just another man who hurts her? I’ve already broken promises to her. But wasn’t she the one who initiated the changes?
Storming into a dungeon in lingerie to kill a man doesn’t exactly screamI’m a helpless girl who needs to be handled with kid gloves.
Does that make it better? Does it make it okay? I’ve never cared about these kinds of questions. It’s such a burden to care. I’ve always been hollow, intellectually knowing the difference between moral right and wrong, but a blank emptiness about those facts has always shielded me from my misdeeds. But with Mina? I actually feel some angst. I don’t like it.
I gather up all the photos, newspaper clippings, notes, and other sundry informational resources I’ve gathered for this job that’s making me crazier than normal. I stack the pile neatly and slip it into a large manila folder.
This act of organization settles my mind the smallest degree.
This is a bit of an odd job. There’s a man I’ve wanted to take out for a while. His name is Stryker. He’s got a lot of criminal activity going on that competes in some ways with our business. He’s operating too loud and too big, too close to us, and I don’t like it. But he’s almost impossible to get to. He always has far too many people around him. This is more than a one person job, and I know it, but I can’t risk Mina just to take this guy down.
On top of that I have two other contracts I recently took. They both have business dealings with the first guy. I just need a way to take all of them out neatly and cleanly. If I kill them individually, after the first one, the other two will get spooked and up their security detail. Less armed bodyguards is always better than more. I live in fear that someday I’ll get taken out by some glorified mall cop instead of a real monster like me. When the time comes and someone finally takes me out, I want it to be someone worthy.
I’d almost need an army unless some angel of death smiles down upon me and gives me an opportunity. But in thissituation, Iamthe angel of death, so… I can’t exactly smile down upon myself.
I need to clear my head and find Mina. If she’s going to be a good girl for me, she’s going to prove it and not just pay lip service to the idea. After that first day and night when she tied me down and fucked me, we haven’t had that kind of sex again. Or any kind outside of the things we normally do.
