She blinks a few times in disbelief. “I talk a lot?Italk a lot? Ha! That’s a good one, babe.”
“Look, I understand. I do. I’m a wonderful conversation partner. A treasure trove of interesting insights. It’s only natural you’d want to make the most of my company now that you have it.”
She scoffs.
“But let’s take a break from chatting and watch more of our show now. Okay, doll?” Everett hovers his hand over her knee, motioning up and down. “Imagine I’m patting your leg affectionately,” he says, “to demonstrate that I hold you in great esteem despite your flaws.”
She rolls her eyes and picks up the remote.
9
“Gretchen! Gretchen!”
Her eyes fly open to find Everett’s face only a few inches from her own. “Oh, good, you’re still here,” she mumbles. “Guess it was too much to hope that you were just a particularly vivid bad dream.”
He rears back. “Wow, you’re kinda mean when you wake up.”
Gretchen yawns, covering her mouth with her forearm. “Well, you yelling in my ear repeatedly doesn’t exactly make for a pleasant alarm.”
“What else was I supposed to do?” he asks. “Tenderly caress your face and whisper, ‘Time to wake up, my sweet darling girl’? First, I’m not your mother. Second, you’re neither sweet nor darling at the moment. And third, I can’t touch you without poofing. So yelling is what you get.”
“And why, exactly, did you need to wake me up?” She blinks to clear the sleep from her eyes. The clock on the cable box says it’s a little after midnight. “Is Charlie home?”
“No, still out,” Everett answers. “I woke you up because I have an idea.”
“You woke me up because you have an idea,” Gretchen repeats, her tone much less enthusiastic.
“Yes. And also the show stopped playing to ask if I’m still watching, so I want you to fix that. But that’s not as important.”
“At least you understand the concept of priorities. So what’s the idea?”
“Okay, ready?” Everett pauses, and Gretchen glares at him until he realizes that’s her version of yes. “Make Charlie fall in love with you.”
“...What?”
“Make Charlie fall in love with you! WhenAll Creaturesstopped playing, my mind drifted to this other show I watched with Charlie a few... months?... ago, about these Soviet spies pretending to be an American family.”
“The Americans?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Good, you’ve heard of it. So the dad spy, he cozies up to this woman who works for some agency—”
“Look, if you’re saying I should fuck Charlie to get him to listen to me, I have to stop you right there. I’m sure I’m fine at sex, but even my best performance is not going to change hearts and minds.”
Everett rolls his eyes as if annoyed with Gretchen’s inability to keep up with his thoughts. As ifshe’sthe one who suggested earlier they consider somehow using an actual Trojan horse. “No, not sex. Although maybe that should be a part of it. I’m talking aboutlove. Charlie will do absolutely anything for the people he loves, so if you make yourself one of them, he’ll have to listen to you when you tell him not to sell.”
“And I’m supposed to make him fall in love with me... how, exactly? I’m a fake spirit medium, not a hypnotist.”
He does a brief assessment of her features. “You’re a pretty little dish, so that’ll help. And... well, I would say you’re nice, but you did call me a bad dream a minute ago. Still, I’m sure you couldpretendto have fine qualities that would win Charlie’s heart.”
“Gee, thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel good, Ev.”
“Oh, I do,” he says with an eyebrow wiggle and his trademark crooked smile.
“Gross.” Gretchen shifts on the couch and pulls another afghan—highlighter yellow, maroon, Kelly green—up to cover more of her. “I’m not making Charlie fall in love with me. It goes against my Rule.”
“Your... rule?”
“Yeah.” The only person she’s ever told about this is Yolanda, but Everett might as well know if they’re also going to be working together, so to speak. “I have one Rule I live by, so I don’t wind up doing anything I’ll regret in the pursuit of money. I always have to leave people better off than I found them. Making Charlie fall in love with me, if that’s even possible, would have to end in breaking his heart. Which would almost definitely violate the Rule. So it’s a no.”
