“Can I get a water taxi to catch up with them? I’ll pay, of course.”
“No, sir. Passengers who fail to embark must meet the ship at the next port of call.”
The next port of call is St. Martin, which is technically France. I’m fairly certain border control does not accept cruise ship wristbands as a form of ID.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t have my passport,” I say. “Imustget back on that boat.”
The man shakes his head. “You’ll have to contact your embassy, in that case. I would be happy to provide you the phone number.”
“This is absurd,” I protest. “I canseethe ship. It would take five minutes to get there by tender.”
The man gives me an apologetic shrug. “I’m sorry. It’s the policy.”
I am about to argue that surely a policy that stipulates leaving a passenger stranded in a foreign country with no money or identification is avery badpolicy when I hear a sharp intake of breath behind me.
I turn around to see a beautiful face.
A beautiful, tear-stained face half-hidden beneath a conch-themed sun hat. But not so hidden that I can’t see the face is frozen in a rictus of loathing.
I gape at the woman who has arguably caused this whole misadventure.
“You,” she hisses.
“You,” I hiss back.
2THE LOVE BOAT
Six Days Ago
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO
Wonders of the Caribbean, Day 1
Welcome aboard theRomance of the Sea!
We are delighted to welcome you to set sail on the adventure of a lifetime! First, check in to your luxurious stateroom, where your private butler will ensure we anticipate your every need. Have lunch at our elegant Windswept Room, where a gourmet buffet will tantalize every palate. At 16:00, meet your crew and fellow passengers at a champagne reception on the Lido Deck featuring the tropical notes of our talented seven-piece Seahorse Band. In the evening, dine at our five-star restaurant, The Starboard Room, or sample the Japanese delicacies at Inagi or the Northern Italian cuisine of Liguria, our signature restaurants. (Reservations required.) And of course, don’t miss the electrifying musical revue,Idols of the Stage, at 21:00 in our state-of-the-art Cosmic Theater, featuring an all-star cast direct from the stages of Broadway!
We are honored to have you as our guest—and we hope you have a magnificent voyage!
Hope
Imagine being invited to join your best friend on an all-expenses-paid, ten-day tropical vacation. Picture visiting Caribbean islands, frolicking on white-sand beaches, enjoying luxury spa treatments, eating gourmet meals, sleeping in a sumptuous oceanside suite, and doing it all while your every whim is catered to by a personal staff.
Sounds dreamy, right?
Except there’s a catch.
This trip will take place on a cruise ship.
And, you see, I am not a cruise ship person.
I’m terrified of norovirus, buffets put me on edge, and I really, really hate water slides.
And yet, here I am, in a taxi pulling into a port lined with gleaming white ships the size of New York City avenues.
Don’t be negative, I coach myself.You are going to fill your creative well with sunshine and luxury and bonding time with your best friend. You’re going to stop thinking about Gabe. And then you are going to go home and mount your fucking comeback.
“What cruise line?” our taxi driver asks.
