“You’re so sweet,” Lauren says.
She pauses thoughtfully.
“Actually, would it be too much trouble to take a quick video of us while we’re exercising?”
This is one of the lessons she’s always reinforcing on TikTok—find a way to get a captive audience. Now he’ll have a free pass to watch her as she gambols about in the water.
“Of course,” Todd says, seeming genuinely honored.
By the pool, a group of mostly women are chatting with an instructor in a modest one-piece handing out pool noodles. Here I will digress to say that if you’re imagining out-of-shape middle-agers, this is not that crowd. The vast majority of the people on this ship are nipped, tucked, and exercised into the picture of late-in-life fitness. I suspect they will be much better than me with the pool noodles.
“Hi there!” Lauren says to the instructor. “We’re here for aquacise.”
“Welcome, girls!” she says. “I’m Sue, the fitness officer. We have a few minutes. Let’s all do some stretching while we’re waiting for the others.”
She leads us in shoulder rolls, backbends, and toe-touches, which Lauren uses to waggle her ass in the air.
“Ready to get in the pool?” Sue calls.
“Yes!” everyone choruses back.
I’m expecting we’ll tread water or something—how strenuous can pool aerobics be?—but she starts us with a high-knee jog under water, which requires you to hoist your legs up all the way to your sternum.
It’s really, really hard.
“A little faster now!” Sue coaches. “Kick those legs out behind you. Work those quadriceps!”
I don’t know what quadriceps are, but I do know I’m not enjoying “working them.” She makes us add our arms—clapping underwater—then makes us swivel to stretch out our hips, then squat to activate our hamstrings. By the time this sequence is fully underway I’m out of breath, and it’s only been five minutes.
“Now grab your noodles, everyone,” Sue calls. “Time to pick up the pace!”
I glance around for someone to commiserate with, but my fellow exercisers all look excited to increase the misery.
“Let’s do some jumping jacks!” Sue says. She folds her noodle into an arch and starts leaping up and down.
“How is this so difficult?” I pant to Lauren.
“It’s not,” she says, flashing a big grin at Todd, who’s recording this diligently.
“It’s killing my legs,” I say.
“If you smile it will be easier.”
“That would expend energy I don’t have.”
Sue adds in turns, lunges, leg tucks. At this point we’re making such a ruckus that most of the assembled denizens of the pool deck are watching us. It must be quite a show, because many of them are smirking.
Including, I notice with horror, Felix.
He’s sitting in the shade in swim trunks and a T-shirt reading a book, but he catches me glancing at him. He arches one brow at me as if to say, “Oh, is this what you’re into? Very cool stuff.”
“Higher!” Sue shouts. “Last set, make it count!”
I don’t want to be seen beingbadat jumping over a pool noodle, so I leap up with more force than I’ve used in the whole class.
One of my entire breasts bounces out of the top of my bathing suit.
Like the whole fucking thing.
